Page 91 of The Key to My Heart

Upstairs, I find everything as normal, in Goode’s. Mr Affair and his Secretary are there, as is Piercings Girl. No Notebook Joe. I’ve been so preoccupied with Tom, and with airing all my wounds, that we haven’t been in touch. But I will. Soon. Because, despite everything, Joe was, and is, important to me. And knowing he was there, on the other side of the wall, as I lost the first man I ever loved, is a weird comfort. When I had nobody, he was listening, he was there, all along.

‘Howdy,’ smiles Shauna as I enter the sweet warmth of Goode’s, and I’mrelieved.I was so worried that she, too, would want space from me. I’ve not known what to do, whether to text, to call, just show up here. ‘What’re we having today?’ she asks as she has a thousand times before, and I search her face. She seems calm. She seems – thank God, happy to see me.

A new worker is behind the counter today, her name tag says, Lydia, and Jason is helping her work the coffee machine. He’s styled his hair. He fancies her, no doubt. But then he does fancy everyone with functioning veins and a beating heart.

‘The usual, please, Shauna,’ I say with a smile, ‘and will you join me? Please?’

‘Course,’ she says softly. ‘Of course I will, Natalie.’

And I wonder when the next time I’ll do this will be. I’ll be back to see Shauna, definitely. But we’ve been doing this for almost three years. Tuesdays and Thursdays, coffee and chats and going-off-soon cake. And I’ll miss the routine. I’ll miss her. But new routines await, and so do new habits. And I’m excited to see them form, all these things that haven’t happened yet.

Shauna places down a brownie and a coffee. ‘The brownie’s on me,’ she smiles, like everything is how it’s always been, as if nothing’s changed.

‘No, you don’t need to—’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘Shauna,’ I say. ‘I am so sorry.’

‘No, darling—’

‘No, really, I am.’ My voice wobbles. ‘I should’ve … I should’ve said …’

‘It’s not your cross to bear, Natalie.’ Shauna sits down calmly, and holds my hand, clammy, tight, in hers. ‘And the reason you didn’t is because you care. You didn’t want to hurt people. You were in a hard and horrible situation …’

‘Not as hard as the one you’re in,’ I say. ‘Shauna, are you okay? You must be – God, I don’t know. Don’s a – a prick. Don is a massive, massivearseand prick and does not deserve you—’

‘Natalie.’

Shauna throws a glance over her shoulder, the sort of glance someone does to check that they’re alone. She turns back to me and slowly clasps her hands together. ‘We’re separating. And, darling, I’ve …’ She sniffs, andI see now, she’s just like me – tears waiting in the wings. ‘I’m hurting. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurting. But I have never felt freer.’

‘Really?’

Shauna nods.

‘I’m proud of you,’ I say, and she smiles and says, ‘You’re proud ofme?Then what on earth does that make me of you?’

I move closer to her, rounding the tiny table, in my chair, and wrap my arms around her. She’s warm and smells like cinnamon and clean washing. And we stay like that, snivelling, laughing, talking muffled, almost inaudible words into each other’s shoulders, until Jason comes out and says, ‘Er … never mind. I just wanted to know if you’d shown the new girl how to do the tampons,’ and Shauna laughs and says, ‘Oh, Jason, my love, you are full of such romance.’

Shauna disappears inside to, indeed, show the new girl how to install the tampons in the machine in the bathroom, and I sit and watch, how I have so many times from this table, the world go by. This train station. This table, and this coffee, and these trains – all witnesses of the journey fromthat Natalietothis Natalie. And to the Natalie I’m becoming. From caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly.

Shauna reappears and takes a seat again. ‘All done,’ she smiles. ‘And that Lydia – a winner already if you ask me. She’s already suggested a new system. For the muffins.’

‘Jason has a crush on her, doesn’t he?’

‘On Lydia?No!You’ll never bloody guess.’ Shauna edges forward, like she’s about to share a secret. ‘He asked her out. The girl with the piercings. They’ve had two dates and last week theykissed.Right here, in front of the shop.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Yup. I swear, this coffee shop. Something in the brownies.’ She gives a tired, but genuine smile. ‘I mean, just look at you. You’re … You look different. Even in the few weeks I haven’t seen you, you’ve changed.’

‘I feel different,’ I admit. ‘And not to sound cringe and like an Instagram quote, but I do feel like I’m … slowly emerging or something.’

‘That isn’t cringe, you big wally, behave.’

‘Ah, come on, it is a bit.’ I laugh. ‘But I think I’m going take a little break too.’

‘From here?’

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