Page 73 of The Key to My Heart

‘Then it started again, and …’

‘Yeah.’

‘Do you think maybe someone’s playing a trick?’

‘A trick?’ I still the cutlery in my hands. ‘But who would play a trick on me? To what end?’

‘To take the piss?’ offers Joe as if it’s something he’s already made his mind up about. The fairy lights flicker in his eyes like tiny fires.

‘But then it hasn’t worked, has it? Because the music means a lot to me. It’s not a trick if it makes me happy, is it?’

‘Does it?’ asks Joe. ‘Mean a lot to you, I mean. Make you happy …’

‘Of course it does.’

Joe stares at me, and my heart is sinking. It’s that feeling. Like I said to Tom – when I feel someone’s thinking I’m too fragile. Like I’m not enough of a full person. That I have an empty life compared to everyone else andthisis how I choose to get my kicks. I just didn’t expect Joe to feel it too, even a tiny bit. I thought he was – an ally, of sorts. Someone that got me and accepted me for exactly who and where I am.

‘Oh, God, I’m a rotten cynic.’ This time, it’s Joe who reaches over, and closes a hand over mine. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘Will you forgive my cynical, bitter little mind?’

I smile weakly. ‘You are a cynic,’ I say. ‘You’ll make a cantankerous old man one day. A cantankerous old man with one fun memory of novelty straw glasses.’

Joe laughs. ‘I dunno, I just … I care, Natalie. That’s all.’

‘I know. And if my hopes are up and dashed then – I can take that. I’d survive. I’m not a stupid, weak, poor little—’

‘Of course you’re not. Jesus, you could never be those things.’ And lightly, and I’m surprised when he does, Joe reaches up, and like on the grass at the food festival, he brushes a warm finger down my cheek.

I look up. His warm, hazel eyes are already on mine. And they’re disarming really. The colour of them, the criss-crossing lashes.Can I?Can I really let another man … kiss me? Like this? In public. Like Beehive Woman at the next table, who is now passionately kissing Gropey Man. All tongues, all hunger, all lust. My eyes flick to them. Gropey Man is smiling at her, hungrily, like he can think of only one thing. Because that’s where it leads, doesn’t it? This is the prelude. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that. With Joe—

And then Joe leans, the decision taken out of my hands. He pushes his mouth softly onto mine. His lips are cool and soft, his fingertips in my hair, and lingering there, for just a second, I taste the white wine on him, on the gentle brush of the tip of his tongue.

And I pull away.

I just kissed Joe. Joe just kissed me. The type of perfect, soft and gorgeous kiss I wondered if I’d ever experience again.

And yet, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Priya:OMGGG how was it?! I am dying to hear! Basically SALIVATING with anticipation. Can’t bloody concentrate on anything until I hear from you!

Me:Ugh. Don’t ask. On my way home.

Me:He kissed me.

Priya:oh my god!!!!

Me:And … I didn’t feel … ANYTHING?????

Priya:?

Priya:What do you mean?

Me:I felt nothing Priya. Like … nothing at all. Sitting on the train feeling like a big broken idiot. (sad emoji)

Priya:Oh. I’m so sorry you’re sad (heart emoji)

Priya:And Natalie, you are not broken.

Priya:If there is one thing you are not, it’s broken.

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