Page 71 of The Key to My Heart

‘You don’t need to be sorry, Joe.’

‘Yeah, I know, but I wondered if maybe it was too soon? I thought it might help. You know, with thenot-being-able-to-play stuff, like my writer’s block, but … it was busy and crowded and fuckingloud—’

‘Joe, honestly—’

‘And then … Hollie.’

Those three words hang there, in the air between us, like cigarette smoke.

‘She seemed nice,’ I say. ‘And you – used to date?’

Joe looks down into his wine, then nods. He knocks back a mouthful, the Adam’s apple in his throat bobbing as he swallows. ‘Yeah. And we were together. For just over … eighteen months?’

‘Eighteen months?That’s … blimey, that’s quite a long time.’

‘She sort of got me the job down here,’ he says. ‘We were friends, back in Dorset. We were sort of part of a big friendship group, you know? Then she moved down to London for her MA and to work and … I needed a new start, after Tanner, so she helped get me set up.’

‘And you broke up and have to see her all the time? Jesus. That’s – hard.’

‘Mm.’ Joe cocks his head to one side, gives a wince.

‘For her?’ I offer.

‘Much more than me,’ he says, nibbling his lip, like he’s ashamed of the admission. ‘We work at different bars a lot of the time, which is good. It’s a chain. But yeah. She’s still super keen for it to be something. And I’m just –not.Which I feel like shit about because she was so good to me after Tanner’s accident.’

I nod, and I feel a pang of sympathy for Hollie. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is a specialsort of agony. Especially when you’ve held their hand through something unimaginable. It binds you together for life. I think that’s what I find so hard about Edie. Edie was my foundation through so much. When my legs were too shaky to hold me, she held me up. And when you’ve been through something together, when you’re still standing because of someone else’s love and care, it stays with you both, like a shared tattoo you wear throughout your life until the end.

‘I suppose it’s nobody’s fault if you just don’t feel it anymore,’ I say. ‘As rough as it is.’

‘Yeah. And she tries. To sort of – make it okay again? Be friends, bemore. But – if I’m honest, I find it hard to be with her.’

‘Why do you find it hard?’

Joe takes a deep breath, his lips a tight, rigid line, and looks across at the river again. The moon reflects on it, like swirls of cream. ‘She was there when Tanner died,’ he explains. ‘We all were. Hollie worked on the beach in the summer, like the rest of us. She worked on the bungee jumpers. With the kids? You know, the trampoline things? Anyway – that day, the beach was red-flagged. It’s a warning to people to not swim. But we surfed sometimes, when it was like that. Me, Tanner, our friends. We shouldn’t have, but we always felt like we knew what we were doing.’ He gives a small, sad smile, a puff of air through his nostrils. ‘Anyway, I thought it was fine. It was red-flagged, but sort of dying down, and Hollie – Hollie told me not to, but … I misjudged it.’

‘You went out in it?’

Joe nods, his body still, like someone stunned, locked in place. ‘Got into trouble. Tanner was on guard, so, he came out. To get me.’

Oh my God.

Joe’s never told me this before. Just that Tanner had an accident. He’s never said that he was there. That he was … the reason. My heart throbs in my chest, as if it’s bruised.

‘Oh, Joe,’ I whisper. ‘Joe, I’m so sorry—’

‘Yeah.’ He swallows, knocks back more wine. ‘He got me to shore. Then this wave came and … there’s this rock there and …’ He drops his eyes to the table. ‘Then he was taken to the hospital. But … the last time I saw him, as Tanner, how I’ve always known him, was in that water. Saving me. And I know this probably isn’t true, but when Hollie looks at me, when she’scloseto me, I swear that’s all she sees. That it was my fault.’

‘But … Joe—’

‘It’s all I see,’ he says, looking up to meet my eyes, ‘when I look at me.’

A group of people a few tables away erupt into laughter, and someone drops a glass on the floor that doesn’t smash. It rolls along the concrete.

‘Sorry,’ says Joe, giving a tight laugh.

‘God, don’t be—’

‘Yeah, it’s just …’ He brings his hands behind his head, like a footballer missing a goal. ‘I feel like I’ve just shat all over the mood.’

---