Page 89 of The Fallback

‘I have been trying to talk to you for weeks!’ she exclaimed. ‘I’ve called you, I’ve messaged you, I even wrote you a letter although you probably couldn’t read my terrible handwriting.’ She took a deep exasperated breath. ‘And you have ignored meevery-single-time.’ Her eyes flashed in anger. ‘And then you think it’s OK to march in here, intomyspace and expect me to be ready to talk?’

Her anger took her by surprise, but she was done with all of this, done with wondering what Mitch was thinking/doing/wearing. She had spent so long worrying about Mitch and about her feelings for him and now she had just had enough.

‘I’m sorry about Jenny, I really am,’ she continued. ‘I shouldn’t have told her. But I have apologised enough, and I don’t see what you showing up here expecting yet another apology is going to achieve.’

‘I didn’t know,’ Mitch said softly.

‘What do you mean?’ Rosie barked, ‘I left you enough messages, surely you must have realised I was sorry?’

‘No, no, I meant I didn’t know why,’ Mitch said. He was slowly walking towards her. Rosie looked at him in confusion, wondering just what he was going to say or do next. Why did this all have to be so confusing? Couldn’t he just have accepted her apology weeks ago? She could have been now peaceably sat in the lab, waiting for some good results.

‘Ihadhoped. I’d hoped for years to be honest, but I didn’tknowfor sure why you told Jenny,’ he said.

Rosie, weary of another telling-off from Mitch, barely heard what he said. She wiped her hand across her face.

‘Well,’ she said flatly. ‘Well, now you do.’

At least she didn’t have to explain. At least Mitch finally understood how she felt about him and maybe he would take that as a suitable apology, although they could never go back to the way things had been. Every time they hung out Mitch might worry she was about to jump him. And she was sure as hell that Jenny would never condone them being friends anymore. But at least the feeling of constant dread of Mitch discovering how she actually felt about him would finally be lifted from Rosie. It would be awkward and sad but in time they might be able to bear being in the same room. Although they would have to remain at a safe distance, and Rosie would have to make sure she never drank when he was there so that she didn’t have to run out halfway through and weep and beat her breast at the enduring tragedy of all she had lost; of the friendship they had once had and could no longer go back to, at the sadness of falling hopelessly in love with someone who would never love her back…

‘Hang on,’ she said, her thoughts stalling mid-spiral as she recalled more of what he’d said just now. She looked up into his face which was now alarmingly close to hers. ‘Why would you be hoping?’ There was a long pause. Her heartbeat was hammering in her ears, drowning out all logical thought, because he couldn’t mean… Could he?

‘I feel the same,’ he said, reaching out and taking her hand.

Rosie looked down in surprise and then back up at him, her mouth now hanging open. For a moment she said nothing, not comprehending why her hand was in Mitch’s. What he was saying to her, what he was even doing in Nadia’s office with her. ‘I’m sorry, I…I don’t understand,’ she eventually stammered, sounding about as clueless as she thought it was possible for someone who possessed a top-class PhD to sound.

‘I feel the same, Rosie,’ Mitch continued. ‘About you.’

Rosie’s head buzzed. None of this made sense to her. ‘What?’ she asked again. ‘You can’t feel the same,’ she continued. ‘Because… How? Why?’

Mitch reached out with his other hand and gently cupped her chin. Rosie’s heartbeat was now racing as fast as it had when she had kissed him last night. He was as close to her now as he had been then. One hand still cupping her face, the other moved from holding her hand to rest on her waist, gently, insistently, pulling her even closer. Rosie felt her stomach swoop as his lips touched hers. Her lips felt electric as the pressure from his lips intensified and their kiss grew increasingly passionate. Mitch made a moaning sound that she’d never heard him make before and which seemed to vibrate through her. For a moment Rosie thought her legs might give way, and then, instead of enjoying it, of course her brain went into overdrive. Her fear about falling over quickly gave way to the realisation of the state she was in. Sweaty, make-up-free, still in her lab coat and with her goggles pushed up onto her head – absolutelynothow she imagined she’d look if this ever happened. Suddenly reality, and her shouty intrusive thoughts, intervened and she pulled away.

‘Mitch I’m…’ She gesticulated to her face and clothing. She immediately desperately cared what she looked like to Mitch. Now that he miraculously seemed keen on kissing her she had become self-conscious over every single part of her body; her face was too shiny, her hair too tangled, her hands strangely sweaty. Just every part of her felt too much. Much, much too much.

‘I don’t care,’ he said, his face a study of seriousness. ‘I’ve seen you in every state, Rosie. I’ve seen you dressed up for a party, I’ve seen you in your pyjamas, I've seen you hungover, I’ve held back your hair for you, held your hand for you. And every single Rosie I have seen I’ve thought was perfect and I’ve wanted to kiss.’

Hearing Mitch say these words to her was more than she had ever dared to dream, her breath caught in her throat, and for one terrifying moment she thought she might have to add ‘choking to death in front of Mitch’, to her list of bodily functions to be anxious about.

‘Can I kiss you again? Please?’

Rosie didn’t trust herself to speak, and honestly? She was trying to focus on breathing again, his lips on hers was the softest yet most intense feeling she had ever experienced. It was messy and delicious and frankly terrifying.

'Hang on.’ Rosie put her hand on Mitch’s chest and tried not to get distracted by how good it felt to let it rest there. ‘What about Jenny?’

Mitch looked confused for a second. ‘What about Jenny?’

Rosie pushed him further away, giving him a stern look. ‘I think you’ll find it’s generally considered unacceptable to kiss someone else when you have a girlfriend.’

‘I’m not kissing anyone else,’ Mitch murmured and reached for her again.

‘OK, you’re not kissing me right now,’ she said, fending him off, ‘I meant, I think we should stop and talk about this a bit more.’

‘You’re right,’ he said, pretending to look chastened. ‘Lots to talk about, but isn’t this more fun than talking?’ He gave her a grin which made her want to pull him back towards her and feel his lips on hers again. But she held firm. ‘Mitch,’ she protested, ‘Jenny. I want to know what’s going on.’

‘There’s nothing going on,’ Mitch said. ‘I know this makes me a bad feminist but honestly? Jenny was only ever a way of distracting me from my feelings for you. They all were,’ he said earnestly, his thumb running across her cheek bone in an intensely distracting way.

It was Rosie’s turn to look confused. ‘But what about your posts? On Instagram?’

‘What are you talking about? I hardly ever post.’

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