Page 84 of The Knockout

How did I get here?

Finally, I just spit it out.

“Have I ever had a backbone?”

“The fuck?” Callen asks, not following my train of thought at all.

Not that I can blame him.

But Madman... His eyes are locked on me, and what I see shining back isn’t pretty.

“You want brutal honesty, good twin?” He takes my empty bowl from my hands and hands me the half-full carton of ice cream. “You sure you’re really ready for it?”

“No, I’m not ready. But I’m twenty-five, and I’ve always been treated like spun glass that could shatter at any moment. And if I don’t figure out my life soon, I’m going to lose things... I’m going to lose people I’m not willing to lose. But for me to fight those fucking battles, I’ve got to figure out the other ones first.”

“You’ve always been more worried about everyone else’s feelings than your own, Grace. Christ.” Callen runs his hands over his buzzed head. “You made sure you had Oreos in your snack every day at school because my mom refused to pack them for me, and you wanted me to have the snack I wanted, even if it meant you didn’t have a snack because no first grader wants carrots and ranch as a snack. You’re a people pleaser. You’re a giver. What’s wrong with that?”

“You were so sad when your mom said you couldn’t have those stupid cookies.” I laugh as my eyes start to well up. “ I can still remember the way you smiled when I gave you mine. I loved that I made you smile.”

“That, right there, is the problem, Gracie.” Maddox steers me over to their giant black sectional sofa.

This room used to be so pretty and feminine.

Now it looks like a stripper should be standing on the coffee table.

But hey, one thing at a time.

“You have the biggest heart, but man, good twin, you’re the first one to do everything for everyone else. I don’t remember the last time you did something for yourself. I thought maybe you were going to when you came home from London. But from what I heard, you changed your mind.”

“What are you talking about?” My eyes burn as we get deeper into this. Because I don’t care how self-aware you are, having someone point out your flaws to your face feels like your skin has been flayed open and you’re being dipped in acid.

“How many times did I visit you in London?” Madman asks with a softer smile than I’ve ever seen him give anyone but his mother.

“Three. But I thought that was because you were banging Lennon.”

“Okay. Well that too, but I came for you. Because the first time I came in February, you were so miserable, it fucking scared me.” He sits down on the coffee table across from me and holds my gaze. “Yeah, you were smiling. But it was forced. It was always forced. At least until you came home. Then it got more real again.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask softly, scared to go deeper.

Scared to open myself up to more.

“Because you’re a grown woman. Even if everyone treats you like they know what you want and need better than you do, only you can let them. And only you can stop them. Your acceptance was your permission.”

I suck in a breath like I’d just been dropped from the highest lift in front of the biggest audience I’ve ever danced for. My hands move to my stomach, and I have to force the air out of my lungs. “How did you see that if I couldn’t?”

Callen sits down next to me and takes my hand in his.

Offering me his silent strength.

“Not knowing something and choosing to ignore it are two completely different things, Gracie.” Maddox sits down on my other side and wraps his arms around my shoulder.

“Do you even like dancing, good twin?” Callen squeezes my hand between his, and the first tear falls. “Or do you just do it because you’re good at it and your mom and Evie say you need to dance? Because I don’t think they know you don’t want to do it anymore, but I’m pretty sure you don’t.”

“How?” I ask so quietly the words barely leave my lips.

“I might not be the most observant guy, but I know a thing or two about following in family footsteps. And I’ve had to fight to do it every step of the way. You... you’re a fucking natural. I’m a dude. We don’t like ballet. Anyone who says they do is trying to fuck you. Remember that.”

“Get to the point, asshole,” Maddox tells Callen as I absorb another shock to my soul.

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