Page 69 of Dr. Single Dad

“I thought it would be enough. But it never is. Your charge is never yours, you see. You always have to give them back.” She shakes her head. “In the end, we nannies end up alone.”

My scarf seems to pull a little tighter around my neck. I pull at the length of fabric but the feeling doesn’t lessen. “I know nannies who have children,” I say. I’ve never thought about my life so far in the future to consider having my own children. I’m so focused on getting through the present, trying to make sure Dylan and Eddie are happy, that I don’t think about the future.

But soon, they won’t need me.

Then what?

She nods. “The lucky ones.”

I spot Dax pushing Guinevere’s pram over to the edge of the football pitch. There’s a game going on. Oh gosh, is he meant to be playing?

I should go and offer to watch Guinevere.

I turn back to Doreen. “Can I do anything to help? Do you need anything?”

She pats me on the hand again. “You run along,” she says. “Live your life, my dear. Live your life.”

Her words stick like a thorn in my chest.

“Why don’t you come with me?” I suggest. “We can go inside and if anyone questions us, we’ll just say you’re with me—with us.” The last word feels stuck, as if it doesn’t belong. Guinevere, Dax and I aren’t anus. I’m ame. They’re anus. Nothing’s going to change that.

I’m always going to be on the outside looking in.

“You’re very sweet. But I’m going to stay here,” she says.

I stand but pause, wondering what I can do to make things better for her.

I type out a text to Felicity, asking her to send me the job description for the Lebedev family when it comes through.

TWENTY-SEVEN

Dax

I look up and see her straight away. Her hair streams behind her as she heads in our direction like some kind of goddess, her hands stuffed in her pockets, her smile lighting up the dreary sky. She looks even more gorgeous than usual. Maybe I’m playing with fire, but I can’t wait for tonight, when Guinevere’s in bed and it’s just the two of us. Again.

“Here comes Eira,” I say to Guinevere.

“Hey,” she says as she approaches. “Are you having fun?” She seems lighter than before in the kitchen.

“Better now that you’re here,” I reply. I lean forward and place a kiss on her cheek. A blush spreads from where my lips were and I chuckle at how…demure she seems. Today. Not so much last night. “Shall we get a coffee?”

She nods, glancing at me from under her lashes as she burrows into her coat.

“Did you get your room unpacked?” I ask as we make our way down the steps to the coffee shop within the park.

“Pretty much. All the boxes are done.”

We order our coffees and head to a table by the window. Given she’s just finished unpacking, she’s not going to like what I’m about to say. “Well, you might be repacking them in a couple of weeks.”

Her face goes as white as snow and her mouth drops open.

“My mum and Jacob keep talking about me moving. And I’ve said I’ll think about it.”

Her chest rises as she takes a breath and the color returns to her cheeks. “Oh, I see. Moving house.” She laughs. “They may be little, but babies take up a lot of room. You’ve been through quite the transition in the short time I’ve known you.”

“I guess so.” She’s right of course. I started off thinking Guinevere would just be an additional obligation, but she’s burrowed into my heart. Talking to Eira about her family and her relationship with her parents, I can’t imagine what kind of man I would be to turn over the entirety of raising my kid to a nanny, like I’d planned to do when I first found out about Guinevere. That’s not how I was raised, and that’s not how I’m going to raise my daughter. Like Eira said, maybe having a child can add to what I bring to the world, rather than take away from it.

Our names are called and Eira goes to get our coffees while I prepare Guinevere’s bottle.

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