She goes to speak then closes her mouth.
“There are a thousandwhat ifs, Eira. There’s always a reason to want more money. But if your sister wants to get married, that costs about a hundred pounds.”
“You know what I mean.” She sounds defeated. “It would be good to have more of a nest egg.”
“For you?” I ask. “Or so you can look after everyone else?”
She blinks up at me.
“You’re so good at caring for others. Me and Guinevere. Your brother and sister. But what about you? It would be different if you were going to take this new job because it was something you really wanted. Or you needed the money to set up your own business, go traveling, pursue a passion—or doanythingfor yourself.”
“It makes me happy if Eddie and Dylan are happy.”
“Of course it does. But it’s not yourresponsibilityto make them happy. Or it shouldn’t be. I want my brothers to be happy, but I don’t make career choices based on their happiness.”
She fiddles with the handle of her case. “It’s different. I’m all they have. They’re all I have.”
I want to scoop her up and tell her I’ll give her the bloody nest egg. I want to make everything all right for her. But I don’t want to railroad her into something she doesn’t want. She needsto pick for herself. So instead, I just say, “I’m sorry.” I can’t make her see that she has more than just her brother and sister who care for her. She needs to feel that.
She doesn’t respond, but I can tell there’s so much she’s not saying. “Anyway, I want to go and see Eddie. First she gets this mysterious scholarship. Now she wants to get a waitressing job. Something’s off.”
“What’s off about winning a scholarship? Doesn’t that make life easier?”
“Yes, but she didn’t seem to know much about it when I asked her. I just want to check it out. Especially now she’s got a job? It feels weird to me.”
“Maybe she’s growing up and wants to be independent. Maybe she doesn’t want you making career choices based on her. Maybe?—”
“I just want to go see my sister. I’m going to miss the train if I don’t leave now.”
I nod. “But you’re coming back, right?”
She leans her head to the side like she doesn’t appreciate the question. A faint flush climbs her cheeks. “Of course I’m coming back. Tomorrow in fact.”
“We’re still going to miss you,” I say. I slip my hand around her waist and she leans into me.
“I’m only going to be gone one night,” she says, “but same. Too much.”
She’s going to miss us, too. It’s all the confirmation I need that I’ll talk her out of leaving. Somehow. I don’t want to lose her.
I press a kiss to the top of her head then release her. “Are you sure we can’t take you to the station?” I ask.
“Absolutely not! It’s way too much hassle and I can get a cab easily.”
“What train are you on tomorrow?”
“I’ll be back around eight.” She must see something in my gaze, because she adds, “I’m booked on a train that gets in at seven forty-seven.”
A knot of tension in my chest eases slightly. She’s booked a return. She’s not running away.
“Have fun,” I say. “Just think about what I said. You need to start putting yourself first.”
She forces a smile as if I’ve just asked her to do the impossible. But I know the only impossible thing is letting her go.
THIRTY
Eira
Sitting on Eddie’s bed in her dorm room, I stare at the two mugs she’s set on the desk. She’s stuck white labels on both of them and written “Stay” on one and “Russians” on the other. She’s making me write reasons to take the job from the Lebedev family and reasons to stay in the current job with Dax and Guinevere on strips of paper and put them in the corresponding mug.