Page 109 of Fighting for His Life

“I wanted it, and he refused.”

“Why would he do that, Zoey?”

“Because every time we’ve tried since I encountered – since the other night, I turn into a dead fish and he can sense it. Since I came home, he’s been very clear that he won’t have sex with me if I’m not there emotionally and mentally. He says it makes him feel like an asshole.”

“He can sense you’re not ready. And when you wanted him to just do it anyway, you got angry. Why?”

“Because it made me feel unwanted.”

“And why would that make you feel unwanted?”

I blow out a frustrated breath. I was tired of this session already. I didn’t come here to talk about last night. I really didn’t want to come here at all, but I forced myself out of that damned apartment before I started breaking things. “I don’t know why,” I yell. “I don’t know anything.”

“Zoey, why did you try to kill yourself three months ago?”

I froze. This was one of the questions she asked frequently, but I always deflected. I don’t know why it made me freeze now. I wasn’t sure why it mattered in the first place. “I just wanted to stop hurting,” I say like I do every single time the question is asked.

“What happen that night, Zoey? Why, after a year of pain, did you choose that night?”

I shook my head, irritated. “You know what happen,” I hiss. “I already told you before. It was a year after it all happen. I was miserable, hurting, and just wanted it to stop.”

“There’s a part of the story missing,” she says casually like I’m not hissing and spitting at her like a venomous snake.

“What do you want me to say? I left my work. I walked to a guy’s apartment. Got high, fucked him like I did nearly every night for payment, and then took the rest of the cocaine. I called a taxi. I went back to my apartment where I wallowed.”

“What happen in the ride from his apartment to your that didn’t happen every other night?”

“Why? What difference does that make?”

“Just humor me.”

“I called my brother,” I spit.

“And?”

“And what? He didn’t answer. Not that I expected him to answer a strange New York number.”

“What else happen, Zoey? I want you to think. What, after a year, finally triggered you? What was the final straw to making you think that you couldn’t handle the pain anymore?”

Hot tears fall down my face. “I knew that I’d lost Jax forever. That my stupidity and selfishness cost me the most important person in the world,” I sob. It was the truth. A truth I never wanted said out loud because I knew it would decimate Jax. And because I didn’t want him with me out of pity. Or because he was afraid I would hurt myself. I didn’t want him to shoulder any blame for my cowardice and I didn’t want him to bear any responsibility. I tell her as much.

“As soon as I dialed his number,” I whisper, “I decided if he answered I was going to beg him to take me back. I was going to beg to come home. I needed him to help me through the pain and anger. I was going to tell him how sorry I was that I left him. I was going to apologize for causing him so much grief and pain.”

“Did he answer?”

I shake my head as it hangs low. “His girlfriend answered. I knew right then that I lost everything. I lost my confidence, my faith, my ability to see good – my baby the night I was attacked. I ran away from Jax and Zane, but like a fool, I always thought they’d be there when I got ready to go home. When his girlfriend answered the phone, I knew it was over. I had nothing left.”

“But he did come for you, Zoey,” she says softly.

I snort an insulted sound. “He came because of what I did. He came because Jax is a good man with a good heart.”

“So you don’t think he loves you?”

“I know he loves me. But he was moving on. I ruined that too.”

“So last night, you lashed out. Tried to push him away? Why?”

“Because he deserves better than the broken pieces of the girl he used to love. And because I wanted him to show me how much he loves me. I wanted him to leave. To prove to me that I’m right. That he’s only with me because he feels sorry for me. Because he feels some kind of responsibility for me. But I also wanted him to prove to me that I’m wrong. That he still loves me, and he still see something worth loving. I know how fucked up that sounds. I know how damn unfair to him that is. That’s just one more thing proving how much better he deserves.”

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