Page 80 of Fighting for His Life

“Forever, little sister.”

Therest of the evening has been a blur. It was sweet of Mrs. McCabe to make dinner for me. They kept the conversation light and easy, but now I am exhausted. Mentally and emotionally drained since this has been the most socializing I’ve had in a very long time.

I know working in a bar, you’d think a simple dinner would be a piece of cake, but I never spent too much time talking to people. I just made the drinks and carried on with my job. I may have been expected to chitchat with the customers, but as long as I managed to get them served without complaints, it was never a big deal.

I’m feeling itchy, in more ways than one. I need to leave. Find some place to decompress like Dr. Thompson and Janie told me, but I don’t want to be rude.

This is exactly why I stayed the hell away from everyone. It’s why I never tried to be better friends with Tori. Because eventually the itch turns into bitch.

But I just sit here praying Jax – who I swear can read my mind – or Zane picks up on the signals that it’s time to get me out of here. I hope they can see how withdrawn I’m becoming and how twitchy I am. Those are things I still can’t control.

What’s worse is the need to find something to scratch one of the itches. I never thought of myself as an addict, but after five days in the hospital, I quickly learned that I was. Withdrawals are a bitch by the way. Even though the withdrawals have subsided, and it’s been more than thirty days since my last line of blow, I still crave it – even knowing full well it stopped helping a long time ago.

Who am I kidding? It never helped. It was just one more thing bringing me down.

When the others are fully engrossed in some conversation about Rory’s newest club, Jax grips my chin toward him. He looks at me carefully without saying a word. I know he sees it. I’m ashamed that it’s there, but there’s no point in trying to hide it either.

“Hey, I think we’re going to head out,” he says without breaking eye contact. “I’m exhausted, and I’ve got an early day in the morning.”

And, just like that, I love him more. He doesn’t tell them I’m tired. He doesn’t point out the stress radiating through me. He doesn’t draw attention to me at all. He lets it all fall onto his shoulders. Just like he promised he would. Just like he would’ve done from the start.

Just like I never wanted him to do.

We say quick goodbyes and make our way to his car sitting in the driveway. Zane follows us, deciding it’s time to make his own exit. “Do you want to stay with me tonight, Zoey?” he asks as we reach the vehicles.

Jax becomes stone still beside me. He doesn’t say anything at all. He’s not going to pressure me to go home with him. But I see the worry in his eyes. I also remember the promises that were made.

I appreciate what Zane is doing, but the sad truth is I won’t be anymore comfortable with him than Jax tonight. Short of my own hideaway on Mars, I won’t be comfortable anywhere. It’s going to be a long time before I’m comfortable in my own skin again. Unfortunately, thirty days was just the beginning.

But I asked them to bring me home. Home isn’t this city that I spent my entire life in. Home is the people I love and who love me. I think maybe I’d forgotten that while I let myself drown in grief, sorrow and pain. Now it’s time to remember all of that again.

And Jax is my home. He is where I am supposed to be.

I just hope he is ready for the long, hard journey that loving me has become.

I lean up on my tip toes, bringing my brother’s cheek to my reach. “I’m going to go with Jax,” I tell him softly. He grips me into a tight hug then helps me into the car.

I watch as he pulls Jax to him whispering something into his ear. Jax nods then walks around to the driver’s side of the car. He slips his long, muscular body into the seat of his beloved car with ease then starts the ignition.

Several minutes later, we are heading down the freeway to downtown. Jax holds my hand the entire way, but we stay silent. It’s not exactly a comfortable silence, but it’s not uncomfortable either.

Half an hour later, we’re pulling into one of the newer complexes in the city. One that I know, a few years ago, the three of us together wouldn’t have been able to afford. Rory and Bastian own the building, but I know Jax didn't get the place for free.

I realize for the first time, that Jax and Zane aren’t playing for fun anymore. Or maybe a better way to say it is they aren’t playing for free anymore because I really hope they still find it fun.

We pull into a large underground garage closest to the elevators. Neither of us move to get out though, and I’m starting to think maybe I should have gone home with Zane.

I don’t like this feeling. It’s never been there between the two of us. It’s always been easy. But now it feels like two strangers.

I turn to tell Jax that I’m going to call Zane when he begins speaking first. “Zoey, I don’t want you to be here because you think that’s what I want.”

And all of my insecurities about coming home come to the surface.

Ice travels through me. I don’t know what I was thinking coming here with him. It’s been a damn year. He wants to take care of me because he’s been my best friend for fifteen years. That doesn’t mean he wants me the same way he did before.

A flush of embarrassment and guilt course through me. I just assumed we were going to work things out. I haven’t thought for one second that maybe I hurt him too much to go back.

I swallow hard without looking at him because I don’t want him to see the tears that threaten. “I’ll just call Zane to come get me,” I whisper and his shoulders sag.

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