Page 53 of Fighting for His Life

I was supposed to help Jax through his grief just like he is sitting here begging me to let him do for me. The worry that I’m going to run away again. The fear that I’m going to push him away. It’s all so much. Too much. I want to comfort him and tell him that I won’t run again. I want to let him hold me and grieve the loss of our child together. I want to let him protect me and soothe away the constant dirty feelings I have.

I’m supposed to share in the grief and pain of the loss of our parents with my twin brother, but I can’t even look in his eyes. When Zane lashed out at me, it hurt. But it wasn’t the anger in his words, it was the raw agony in his eyes that crushed me. Those eyes that were identical to our dad’s.

I scratch at my itchy, too tight skin. I want something to make it stop even though I know there’s nothing that can do that. Not really. I feel the urge to leave this hospital bed and run away all over again. Run far away where no one will find me.

I can’t though. Not this time. I’m being watched too closely by doctors and nurses. And Zane and Jax. They haven’t left my side.

So instead I stare out the window of my hospital room. I haven’t said a word since Zane blew up at me yesterday. Jax blames him for that. He thinks that I’m shutting down because of my brother’s harsh words.

The truth is I deserve his word. I need his anger, not his sympathy, guilt, or remorse. But I don’t say anything. No. I just stare out the window and let Jax add on to my brother’s guilt with his anger because I don’t want to acknowledge any of it.

I’m selfish.

I just want it all to stop. I want the itchiness to stop. I want the throbbing to stop. I want the raw, burning ache to stop.

I can’t get away from it. Nothing has ever been able to stop it. The doctors keep telling Zane and Jax I’m not talking because I’m in a safe place in my mind.

What hogwash. My mind is the most dangerous place to be. It’s in my mind that I still see the face of the man that attacked me. The man that broke everything good in me. The man that stole my happiness, my baby, and my parents. The man that not only hurt me but hurt the two men in my life so profoundly I’m not sure we will ever recover.

And I hate it. I hate the feelings of guilt and despair. I hate that I can’t find relief. I hate that I can’t stop letting it tear me down. I hate that it’s made me feel like this weak, pathetic, whiny, helpless little bitch.

Most of all I hate what it’s doing to Jax and Zane.

“Zoey, Angel, please talk to me,” I hear Jax beg again. It kills me to hear it. I want to talk to him. I want to let him know I’m okay, even if it’s a lie, to ease some of his hurt.

But I don’t. I think I’ve finally shattered. So, all I do is listen to him plead.

I feel like I’m being cruel. It’s not intentional. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t seem to stop.

I hear the door to the room open. I don’t turn to see who it is. It could only be Zane, a doctor or nurse.

“How is she?” I hear my brother ask.

Jax doesn’t respond to the question. I don’t know if it’s because the answer is obvious or if it’s something else. I think maybe both.

“Jax, can you come outside with me for a minute?” he asks since he realizes he’s not getting an answer.

“I’m not leaving her,” Jax growls.

“We need to talk about some things, Jax. I don’t want to make these decisions without you, but I will.”

I don’t look but even I can sense the icy glare he shoots my brother. “I fucking said I’m not leaving her. And you’re not making any goddamn decisions without me,” I hear him say through obviously clenched teeth.

I can’t stop the shiver that runs through me. I’ve never heard him talk to Zane like that. I feel a fresh wave of guilt knowing I’m the cause.

Jax notices the shiver. “Are you cold?”

I still don’t look his way or speak but I do shake my head to answer him.

I hear Zane sigh. I can’t tell if its exasperation or relief or what. “What do you want me to do, Jay? Her seventy-two-hour hold is nearly over. She won’t talk to anyone. They’re going to get an order to hold her for thirty days if we don’t step in.”

“She’s not fucking staying here,” Jax replies with a dangerous undertone to his voice. I shiver again.

I’m not scared of Jax. I know one hundred percent that he would never hurt me. Or Zane for that matter. But I also know he would go to almost any lengths to protect me which means that anyone in his way will suffer. It also means he will suffer.

I feel him tense at my side as the shiver ripples through my body. He knows it’s in response to him. I only hope he knows why?

“You’re right,” Zane hisses. “She is not fucking staying here, but if you don’t work with me, I’ll make the choice myself. I’m trying to be nice here, Jax, and include you. But I don’t have to. You know that.”

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