Page 85 of Her Devils

“Isn’t it?” His voice rises a little, sounding as vexed as I feel. “The way I see it, Snow, it’s hard. I’ve never been in a harder situation before this. Of course I fucking care. Maybe I’m an idiot for thinking I wouldn’t, who knows? My old man keeps treating me like I’m enemy number one, and maybe he’s right.”

I’m confused. “So you care?” I choose to hang onto that part of his answer.

“Lenley, it doesn’t matter how I feel, don’t you see? Dad is going to fucking kill me if he finds out what we’ve been doing, you know that.”

I shake my head. I’m not going to let him get away with excuses. “But our deal started before we even knew about our parents. He can’t hold it against you.”

There’s no joy in Peyton’s laugh. “Right. Can you even hear yourself? Imagine how that’s going to go down when he finds out and we explain about our deal. Don’t you see? My dad is right about me. About us. The guys and I aren’t boyfriend material, Len.”

I open my mouth to argue with him, to tell him that in the weeks since we’ve met, they have been perfect. They have been exactly what I was dreaming of when I was crushing on Darrius.

“Pey—”

He silences me with a finger on my lips, those blue eyes piercing through to my fragile heart. “Even if we could forget our wild ways, how would this even work outside of a deal? We wouldn’t be able to share you forever, Snow. We’d be pitted against each other, and when you eventually chose, it would tear us apart. So no, I can’t care, no matter how much I want to.”

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The enormity of the heartbreak I face hits me like a freight train. What have I done?

I accepted this deal because I was tired of waiting for Darrius. I was tired of being a wallflower, always watching my friends go on dates and having flings while I waited to be noticed by the only guy I ever wanted.

Peyton was clear when he offered me that deal, and I couldn’t even go through with it without getting attached.

I think about Channing’s words the other night, wondering if Peyton knows how his best friend feels about me. What about Jameson? He never said anything about feelings, and the possessive way he’s been acting in bed might just be part of his intensity and have nothing to do with feelings.

Fear lodges in the pit of my stomach. Peyton is right. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Even if all three guys had feelings for me, I know for a fact that I would never be able to choose. I’ve grown to love—fuck no. I can’t allow myself to use that word. I care about each of them so much that I can’t imagine my life without them in it after a few short weeks.

I have to keep it together, I have no choice. I see the way Mom and Ken are with each other, and I know that what they have is real. I haven’t seen Mom smile that way sincePapà, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I caused trouble between them. Mom has been there for me at every turn, and she deserves to be happy.

There’s also Darrius.

My oldest friend isn’t who I thought he was. I’m disappointed, and I still want to make him pay for how he used me to make his girlfriend jealous before he discarded me without a thought about my feelings. But how do I feel about him? I’m still angry, but the real question is, do I still love him?

A part of me will always love Darrius as a friend, despite him not being worthy of the pedestal I put him on.

Can it still be more though? Do I want it to be more?

Maybe I have no right to be mad at Peyton for wanting to stick with our deal. Maybe he’s right that this isn’t as simple as I thought.

“Snow,” he says softly, interrupting the tumultuous thoughts that are warring in my head. “Do you want out of our deal?”

I look at his perfect features—the short blond hair that feels so silky between my fingers, those dark blue eyes, and the softest lips I’ve ever kissed. I’m scared of what will happen when our deal is over, of the possibility of losing Peyton and the others.

“No,” I say selfishly. “I don’t want out of our deal. You’re right about everything, Peyton. We can’t give up when we’re so close to worlds and our goal. Plus, you still have stuff to teach me.”

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “That’s my Snow. Let’s go back out there before someone starts looking for us.”

We seal the deal with a kiss that sinks straight into my heart in the most painful way possible, and it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

If longing had a flavor, this would be it.

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