Page 54 of Single Mom for the Bikers

Every time I think about the guys I want to scream, especially Phoenix and Havoc. Maybe it’s stupid to include Havoc when it was Phoenix that was there the night Dodger destroyed my life, but I feel betrayed that Havoc didn’t share more with me. Of the three of them, he’s the one that most understands what I went through. Phoenix, for better or worse, didn’t even know me back then.

But I’m still worried about them. Eagle-eye has everyone rotating patrol duty, and no matter what they’ve done, I still don’t want them hurt.

I don’t want them taken from me before I have the chance to find out if I can forgive them or not.

I take a deep breath and hold it a moment, before I let it out. The kids are behaving. No one's drowning in the mud. I have a moment, and I can do this. There’s one last witness I can talk to.

I pull my phone out and tap Mom's contact. It rings twice, and then a familiar voice answers.

“Shel! You haven't called in a while, baby. I was starting to worry.”

“Likely story. Do you even remember me, or are you too busy redecorating Bill’s house?”

“Oh don't be silly. I’ll never be too busy for you and Mia.”

In spite of everything, I grin at how happy she sounds. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m happy for you. You know that. He put up with a lot, waiting for me to move out before snatching you up.”

“That’s how I know he’s worth it.” She laughs, a burbling happy sound that I realize I've missed. She's right, I should call more often. It's just that things have gotten kind of complicated.

“Listen, Mom, I've got some questions for you, and it might be a little uncomfortable. Is it okay? I wanted to ask you about the night Dodger came to the house.”

The other end goes silent, and when she answers, she isn’t nearly as cheery. “Of course, honey.”

Now that I've got her on the line, it's suddenly way harder to get the words out than I imagined. We haven't talked about this in years. At first because she would have panic attacks every time it came up, and then because life was just easier if we didn’t. We had each other. We had Mia. We survived.

“What do you want to know?”

“Could you just… just tell me what you remember, okay?”

There's complete silence on the other end. I don't know what to say, and Mom doesn't either. After a while I'm not even sure I've got her on the line anymore.

“Mom? If this is too much?—”

“No. I can do this. I’ve talked about it plenty in therapy, and I’ve told Bill everything. Okay.” She starts talking, and in spite of her voice cracking a few times, she manages to keep going.

Her memory of that night lines up pretty well with what Phoenix said. They were watching reruns on TV when they heard engines and then the door burst open. Dan pushed her towards the kitchen, and she ran. She hid in a closet, listening to yelling and smashing, and worked up the courage to leave the closet to try and find her phone and call the police. Except she never made it that far.

“When I was running away, two of them caught me.” Her voice hitches. “I thought… Well, I thought a lot of things. Then one of their friends came busting into the kitchen and told them to go help Dodger. This man, his eyes were so cold, Shel, but he just stared at me and then told me to run. He told me to get the—excuse my language—get the fuck out and forget I saw anything. I don’t know what I would’ve done, but then I heard a gun go off and I knew there was nothing I could do to help Dan otherthan get out and call for help. I probably owe him my life. Not that being less of a monster than the other monsters is praise worthy.”

I think about Havoc and the way he holds me, Sledge and how good he is with Mia, and even Phoenix, despite everything. Phoenix might be one of the monsters hiding under my bed, but I can't pretend they haven't all done things that would shock me. Things that might not be as selfish and cruel as Dodger, but I bet they've hurt people.

I don’t know.

“Shel? Why are you asking after all these years? Is Mia asking questions?”

“No. I just… I ran into some people I knew from back in the day and we got to talking.”

“Shelby, do you need help? Do you need to come home?”

“No. No, I'm fine. It's not like… last time. Things are a little complicated, but nothing I can't handle. Do you remember what any of them looked like?”

“Honey, they all looked the same to me. Big and scary. Tattoos, wild hair, wild eyes. Some of them had handkerchiefs around their faces. I know Dodger was there because you showed me pictures and I heard his name. He was the one that started yelling at Dan. Oh, and I think the man who told me to run was called Ruin. That’s what one of his friends said after the shooting started. ‘Ruin, get in here.’ “

My heart sinks a little.

“Shel, I don’t know what’s going on, but maybe you should come for a visit. Bring Mia and you can stay until you feel better.”

“No, we’re fine.” There is no way I’m dragging her back into everything, not when she’s finally happy and moving on. I don’t need any more lives on my conscience.

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