Page 42 of Secret Santa

“Do you not like these?” I asked. “I think Hannah made a few other desserts. Brownies, snickerdoodles–”

“I’m not much of a sweets person,” she said in a small voice.

“Oh.” I stared at her for a moment. I didn’t know if I believed her. “She made savory snacks–”

“Aiden, I’m fine.” My brows flicked up at her tone.

She’d tried to convince me to hook-up again, but there was something holding me back. Knowing she was a virgin, I knew that was part of it, but I felt like if she couldn’t even say the word sex, she wasn’t ready to have it.

I couldn’t tell if that irritated her, if it was me, or if it was the cookie. Prying never helped anyone, but maybe she needed to be forced to let go of herself, of whatever demons were holding her back. I knew who her demons sounded like–her stupid fucking mother. That woman had really done a number on her.

“Sure,” I said, swallowing every other comment I wanted to make. She glanced at me, like she’d been expecting more of a fight. I ignored her gaze as I stared at the TV, not really watching whatever movie was on.

I didn’t know why I felt like I was corrupting her. I didn’t know why I wanted to corrupt her. I wanted to mess her hair up, make her eat a cookie before dinner, maybe make her say a few cuss words. I just wanted her to let loose.

I hadn’t really expected her to wear the sweater today, so it surprised me when she came out of the bedroom with it on. When I saw her in it, though, it made me ridiculously happy. Even though it was utterly ridiculous, she was still trying to force herself out of her comfort zone for me.

I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had ever done something like that for me.

Draping my arm along the back of the couch, I twirled her hair around my finger. She hesitated before she leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. A feeling of rightness settled over me.

This is what I’ve always wanted–a beautiful woman to share my life with. Now that she was here, I was ready to start it. I knew she wasn’t ready yet, but I was. I was so fucking ready to start our life together that my chest ached.

I pressed a lingering kiss to the top of her head, breathing in her soft, sweet scent, and closed my eyes. I forced myself to embed this moment into my brain. I never wanted it to end, but I knew it had to, and when it did, I’d have this perfect memory to make my days a little brighter.

I knew I’d have her to make my days a little brighter, too.

20

DANI

I felt restless. I couldn’t stop moving around, and I knew I was keeping Aiden up. It was a stupid déjà vu moment that I wanted to end.

He hadn’t tried to do anything other than kiss me tonight. After the movie, we had dinner, watched another Christmas movie–I denied another cookie, much to his annoyance–then we went to bed.

I’d been nervous when we climbed the stairs to his room. I was anxious something would happen. If I was being totally honest, I wanted something to happen. I wanted to take us to that level, but he just held me until his breathing evened out and he began to snore softly.

I’d been awake ever since.

I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling like this, like I needed to take things to the next level. A part of me felt like the rug was about to be yanked from under me and he’d tell me this was all a joke, that he’d never really liked me. With each day, each moment, that passed without us…doing it, I felt like I was closer to losing him.

If I gave him this part of me, he would stay. If I let him have me, wholly and completely, he would stay. He wouldn’t leave me.

But what if he did?

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the dark ceiling. I was still having a hard time believing this was my life–that I was not only sleeping with my boss, but in a relationship with him. The first real relationship of my life. Every time I felt myself getting closer to him, lowering the walls and letting myself fall, I’d hear my mother’s voice telling me men don’t stay. Men leave.

I so badly wanted to believe Aiden was different. I needed him to be different. I couldn’t end up like her–miserable and alone and hating men. I knew if Aiden ended up proving her right, that’s exactly what would happen to me.

I knew there would be no recovering from a heart Aiden broke.

Carefully, I lifted his arm off me and slipped from the bed. I tiptoed across the dark room, carefully avoiding his discarded shoes on the floor. I just needed to clear my head. I needed air.

Creeping down the stairs, I made my way to the backyard. After exploring more of the house today, I realized it really wasn’t as big as I’d initially thought. It was far bigger than any house I’d ever stepped foot in, but it was just a normal-sized house…okay, it was slightly larger than normal, but it definitely wasn’t a mansion.

The air was icy as I stepped outside. I immediately wished I’d brought a jacket or blanket with me, or at least put on socks, but I welcomed the cold. It forced me to breathe through whatever I was feeling. It made me think about something other than my mental struggles.

I sank into a chair, hissing as my bare skin stuck to the thin layer of ice. The sky was mostly clear, and the stars and moon were bright, illuminating the backyard.

---