Page 28 of How to Date a Younger Man
“But you’ve always been so good at what you do.”
“Thanks. It’s exciting, but I’m just hoping I don’t shatter all their expectations.”
“You won’t. I’m sure of it.”
“Speaking of shattering expectations—did you hear about Alyssa?”
I shake my head, a small knot forming in the pit of my stomach. Alyssa is another of our married friends from college, one of the only ones to give up her career to stay home while her husband brings home the bacon. We’ve never been that close, but I’ve always liked her and often wonder how she’s doing. Something tells me I’m not going to like what I’m about to hear.
Sadie’s face is bright and excited. “You’ll have to keep it on the down low because it’s still early days, but she just found out she’s pregnant! Can you believe it?”
I do my best to match her tone, but the knot in my stomach grows larger. “I didn’t know she and Adrian were trying.”
“They didn’t tell anyone. I was sure they didn’t want kids, they’ve been married for so long without them, but it turns out I was wrong. I saw her a couple weeks ago, and she’s absolutely glowing.” Sadie keeps talking, explaining how they’d been trying for a year and a half and were about ready to turn to IVF before Alyssa finally skipped a period and did an at-home test.
I plaster a smile on my face throughout the whole story, but on the inside, the knot in my stomach tightens, threatening to make me ill. I can practically feel the physical weight of my disappointment and shame pressing down on me, pinning me to the chair.
Eventually, I tune Sadie out, my thoughts spiraling out of control.
Alyssa is thirty-four and married, and even she considered turning to IVF. I just turned thirty-seven, hopelessly single, and totally at a loss as to how I’ll ever find someone to settle down with. Now more than ever, the life I’ve always imagined for myself—where I’m happily married to the man of my dreams with a thriving career and a couple of kids—seems completely, absolutely out of reach.
When our food arrives, Sadie changes the subject. Still, the damage is done.
I barely taste my salad and go through the rest of the lunch in a daze, doing my best to fake being happy and content, but I know that I’m failing. Sadie doesn’t say anything about it, but she gives me a worried look when we part, making me promise to call her next week to set a time to come have dinner at her place.
By the time I make it home from work later, I still haven’t been able to shake the heavy feeling. If anything, it’s gotten worse. Every email, every phone call, every meeting at work is like a reminder of all the time and energy I’ve spent on this part of my life—while totally ignoring the other goals and aspirations I had for myself.
After pouring a glass of red wine and plating a few slices of cheese, I settle on the couch. Sighing, I flip to something mindless on the TV so I don’t feel so damn alone in this cavern of a home I was so sure would be filled with other people by now. I rifle through my drawer of takeout menus and decide on Indian food for dinner, but when I pull my phone out of my purse, it’s already ringing. I’d forgotten to take it off DO NOT DISTURB after my lunch with Sadie, so I quickly answer, barely even glancing at the name on the screen.
“Hello?”
“Settle a bet for me. Are all corporate lawyers so busy they never call any of their friends back, or are you just one of those out of sight, out of mind assholes?”
I chuckle and roll my eyes. It’s Griffin, busting my balls yet again for not calling him back a couple of days ago. “You’d think after four years you’d have learned by now that I don’t call back unless you leave a message.”
“Only a monster leaves their friends voice mails.”
“Oh, so now I’m a monster? And you wonder why I don’t call you back.”
“I know for a fact my voice mail has been full for six months now. So either you’re a liar, or I, like the good friend I am, always answer my phone.”
“Uh-huh, sure, whatever you say.” I let out a weak chuckle. “What do you want, Griff?”
“She’s in a great mood today, folks,” he replies sarcastically, making a clucking sound with his tongue.
I know he’s only teasing me like always, but after the day I’ve had, I’m not really in the mood for it. “Let’s just say it’s been a day.”
“Are you okay?” he asks, his tone serious now.
“Yeah, I don’t know.” I sigh. “I had lunch with an old girlfriend today and was reminded of all the parts of life I’ve let pass me by.”
