Page 20 of Groupthink

• Honest

• Emotionally intelligent

• Has a wonderful smile…

The list went on and on about this perfect man, this illustration I’d conjured of someone absolutely flawless.

The pen was thicker than the utensils I was used to writing with, so my hand tired quickly. I set the pen on the glass desk with aclackand re-read my handiwork.

My gilded handwriting shimmered on the page as if I’d imbued the paper with a magic spell.

This gold ink Effie had gotten me for my birthday wasnice.I’d have to ask her where she got it…

Though as the sun set, I had to squint to read the gold. If I wanted to keep going—and Ididwant to keep going—I’d have to switch to a different color.

I shook out the stiffness in my hand and opened the drawer, revealing row upon row of neat ink vials organized in a rainbow of hues. An entire row of blacks lined up beneath the colors, but I didn’t want to use black right now—I was feeling creative. Flamboyant. Imaginative. My eyes landed on the liquid sapphire.

It only took a few seconds to load the sparkling blue ink into the pen.

I looked over my gold list and felt the sensation that something was missing, though I couldn’t put my finger on what.

Finally, it came to me: this imaginary man wastoogood. A relationship with someone like that would get boring real quick.

I knew who I was. I never did anything unpredictable or extraordinary like Effie; I was the type of person that found solace in routine and following plans. If I was with someone the same as me, the bond would grow stale. So with the shimmering sapphire ink, I wrote words I thought filled in the gaps between me and perfection. Everything that I lacked:

• Spontaneous

• Clever

• Charming

• Playful

• Creative

• Capable

• Understands me

• Unique

• Passionate

• Curious

• Surprises me (pleasantly only!!!)

• Thinks quickly on his feet

• Doesn’t let little things get to him

• Everything we do together is fun

• Emotionally available—

I paused. Was I emotionally unavailable?

Grayson said that to me when he ended things:

---