Page 136 of Groupthink

But then she said, “And you’ve been carrying this guilt your whole life.”

“Yes,” I said. “I’ve never told anyone but Grayson. And now, you.”

“I’m curious—did you actually want your mother to die, or was the thought completely foreign?”

I had to stop and think about that one. “This is a safe space, right?”

Dr. Silk nodded.

I crossed my legs, my foot fluttering. I looked at the tip of my Sperry as I said, “There were times when I wanted her to die, yes. I’ve told you about some of the things she’d do to me. And the things she’d call me.”

“She called you Disgrace,” Dr. Silk said.

I nodded. “More than she called me Grace. But only when we were alone together. Never around anyone else—”

“I remember,” Dr. Silk said. “Your feelings toward her as a ten-year-old child, being bullied and abused were justified. Even though you thought those things, and even though you hoped for it to happen, it does not mean you killed her.”

I looked Dr. Silk in the eye. “I felt relieved when it happened.”

Her shoulders sank a few centimeters, as if she, too, was relieved. “That’s normal.”

“I feel guilty about it,” I said, my lower lip trembling. “I neverstoppedfeeling guilty.”

“I imagine it’s a very complicated thing to feel. Especially for a ten-year-old, let alone an adult.”

Hot tears poured down my cheeks with relief. The catharsis at finally being able to tell someone one of my deepest, darkest secrets was overwhelming. “It was. It is.”

“You mentioned that you told Grayson. How did he react?”

“When I told Grayson, it was like it didn’t land on him. Like he couldn’t hear me, and he immediately changed the subject to his work.”

“But you said he used it against you, later.”

I nodded, thinking of this past weekend. When Ink-Grayson yelled to Sam and Noah that I’d… that I’d killed someone. I didn’t even think herememberedthat I told him that. “He wanted to hurt me.”

“That probably fractured your trust in having a romantic partner.”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

“Which, if you’re ready, I’d like to touch on the assignment I gave you last time. Did you have time to complete it?”

“Yes!” I nodded, happy to get off the subject of my mother.

Telling Dr. Silk the nagging fear at the core of my self-hatred was… surprisingly freeing. Though I’m sure she was brewing up some kind of diagnosis in her head for me for “hearing voices.”

I pulled out my bullet journal and turned to the pages I’d filled with my lists.

Dr. Silk craned over her desk to look at it. “Wow! Looks like you’ve hit it out of the park!”

If only you knew, I thought.

“Can I ask why you used different colored ink?”

I shrugged. “Just felt like it.”

I glanced down at the lists, and I could see the black marks through the thin paper, showing glimpses the page behind.

The spell that brought the demon to life.

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