Page 61 of Tainted Love

Maricela joins me on the small double couch. That’s got to be better than being across the other side of the room, hasn’t it?

I take her hand as soon as she takes the seat beside me, not wanting to be separated from her. And wait with no small amount of trepidation for whatever words might seek to destroy my new-found happiness.

Because that’s what I feel now I’m here with her. Pure, unadulterated happiness.

She doesn’t look at me to start… or can’t. Her eyes flit all around the room. It’s a pleasant room. Small and self-contained, but there’s not a great deal to see.

Eventually, she sighs, and I can sense her bolstering her nerves for whatever she has to say. If she’s going to push me away, I wish she’d just get on with it.

“What are we doing here, Ciaran?” she asks, her tone and expression serious.

“Well, I'm hoping we're about to catch up on some long-awaited pleasure,” I quip. Okay - maybe not the right time for levity. I’m not really that much of a prick; it’s purely a defense mechanism.

Maricela doesn’t appreciate it, that’s for sure. Her brows draw together, and her lips pinch, and I feel the emotional distance she immediately creates between us.

“I can’t be your booty call, Ciaran,” she says, her demeanor stiff, but with an underlying sadness that’s impossible to disguise.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Maricela's words hit me harder than I ever expected.

Taking a deep breath, I search for the right words to explain myself, regretting my flippant comment instantly as I see the hurt in Maricela's eyes. She deserves more than my casual attitude, and I know I have to make things right.

“Maricela, you’re not just a booty call to me,” I begin, my voice soft but earnest. “I care about you more than you know.”

She looks at me, searching my eyes for sincerity, but I see the flicker of doubt in her expression and rush to continue. "I know we didn't have the most conventional of beginnings, but that doesn’t mean what I feel for you isn’t real.”

“And what do you feel for me?” she asks solemnly.

I pause, gathering my thoughts before answering the question. I take both Maricela's hands in mine, wanting to convey the depth of my emotions through touch because I know I suck at the flowery shit.

"What I feel for you is hard to put into words," I finally say, filling my voice with all the honesty I can muster, because I know that's not really an answer, but it's the truth. I try to think of better words. Words that will encourage her to take a chance with me, despite the insubstantial foundation we're attempting to build on.

Other men might call me brave for different reasons, but it takes all the courage I possess to lay my heart bare in this moment. I take a deep breath and give my most vulnerable feelings life. "You bring light into my life in ways I never thought possible. I never met anyone who makes me question everything I thought I knew about myself, until you,” I tell her earnestly, reaching out to cup her face in my hands. “You make me want to be a better man, even though I don’t lead a life that supports that.”

I sigh, hoping that’s not a deal breaker but laying it out for her anyway. “And my life is what it is, Maricela. That will never change, so tell me, can you cope with that? What is it you want?”

"I want us to be more than this," she says softly. "I want something real, something lasting. I know it’s all too soon, too sudden. But I want to try.”

I feel a surge of hope at her words, but also a wave of fear. Opening up like this is new and daunting for me, but looking at Maricela, I know it's worth the risk. And she has said it perfectly. Summing up everything I couldn’t.

We’re on the same page.

"I want that too," I admit, my voice raw with honesty. “We can take it as fast or as slow as you like, and I’m there for it.”

Maricela nods, but she looks pensive, and I know there’s something else bothering her. “What is it?” I coax, not wanting there to be any uncertainty between us. “We don’t have much between us except a few stolen moments in a high-stress environment. So, the one thing which is essential is honesty.”

She nods but bites her lip.

“Tell me.” I breathe, squeezing her hands and forcing as much encouragement as I can into the sentiment.

She sucks in a stabilizing breath and blurts out the words I know will change my life forever.

“I’m pregnant.”

Chapter Forty-Two

MARICELA

I’m not really sure what kind of reaction to expect from Ciaran, although he’s said all of the right things, so far. There have been no outright declarations of love, but that’s okay, I understand this is new and hasn’t exactly occurred in a normal kind of way. I’m not expecting miracles, this whole situation between us is messed up beyond reason, but I’m not here to be anyone’s fuck-buddy, no matter what.

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