Page 61 of Beacon

We learned at an early age to fend for ourselves. Daria and I are wonderful cooks. Daimen used to be, but his husband cooksand spoils him, so he’s forgotten. But, I’ve had no one to spoil me, though Sandra knows her way around the kitchen.

Surmising what we have, I get out the eggs, fruit, and two bags of frozen green beans.

My eyes trail over to the couch and to my surprise, she’s sitting there with her legs bent and under her butt, while Otis begs for grapes.

“Again, Otie Totie, these will kill you.” It doesn’t stop him from looking at her like he’s not eaten in years. “Dom, can you grab him a treat, please?”

I know where they are and take it to the little beggar. “There you go, boy.” She doesn’t acknowledge me and I return to the kitchen.

Assembling the patties, I begin to fry them, cutting up a cantaloupe as they brown. “Did you know that around 400 B.C., Chinese dog breeders purposely bred pugs to have wrinkled faces to bear a resemblance to the Chinese characters for prince?” I ask, to keep her engaged in conversation.

Her head turns toward me. “You’re a plethora of useless information today, aren’t you?” It’s not a tease. She isn’t amused with my trivia.

“Do you know that two or more pugs are called a grumble?” I ask. “I mean, it makes sense with all the chuffs and huffs and attitude. Can you imagine more than one?”

She’s quiet, popping more grapes in her mouth while petting Otis, who continues to look longingly at her grapes. She loves feeding him human food, but gave me a whole list of things he can never have, grapes being at the top just under chocolate and artificial sugar.

“Did you know they were bred to be lap dogs? It may be the reason they have to always touch their humans.”

She’s been ignoring me, but I guess with the last fact of pug trivia, she’s had it.

“Dom, what are you doing? I mean, I know everything there is to know about pugs. Did you know they were a symbol of the Freemasons because of their loyalty, or that Napoleon’s wife owned a pug? Even back then apparently they had attitudes. So, yes. I know all of that, and more.”

The salmon patties are cooked, and I place them on a plate, leaving everything else on the counter. It’s time to take Bodhi’s advice. I cross the kitchen into the living room and kneel in front of her.

“Okay, do you want to know the truth, Cassandra McDonald? I’m scared. I’m scared to lose you, and for that very reason I’d rather build a future with the woman I want to grow old with than with kids I may never have. Yes, I may be sad for a moment, seeing Garner holding a baby, knowing it won’t be me. But more than anything, I want you. And if that means I’ll never be a dad, I choose that. I’ll never resent you—this much I promise. There may be days I’m sad, and as my partner, I ask you to hold me, not because I resent you, but because it’s what we do. We lift the other up when they’re down. So, there’s the truth bomb I should have started with. I’ll be sad from time to time. But you’re mine, and I choose to build a future with you.”

I wait to see if she has anything to add, but she’s as quiet as a church mouse on Sunday. “And it’s okay to admit to being scared, Rosso. As long as we have each other, I know I can deal with it.”

I push up from the seat and move back to the kitchen, pulling out plates and utensils. I’ve been the most honest with Sandra than I’ve ever been. I just have to give my words time to sink in. I will always choose Sandra.

twenty-five

SANDRA

I’m not sure what to do with this truth bomb Dom has just dropped in my lap. He’s not pulling one over on me. He admitted to being scared, knows that missing out on being a dad one day might make him sad, but he has made it clear that he wants me and only me.

Can I accept this? Can I watch him hurt as he sees his friends build families, when I know I won’t be able to fix the problem? He’s back in the kitchen and has been quiet since his little revelation.

Moving to the other side of the couch, I prop my back against the arm rest, watching Dom in my kitchen. He’s at home here. He’s been in my space enough. Something akin to desire kindles inside of me, simply because he cares for me. He didn’t have to cook, but it’s one of the many ways he chooses to show he loves me.

And I’ve missed him. I’ve missed him so much. Could it be this easy? And am I being the selfish bitch not giving him what he so desperately wants?

Otis makes himself comfortable on my lap and moves his face away from me in order to watch Dom too.

I lean forward and whisper into my dog’s ear. “He’s quite sexy, isn’t he?” I say it quiet enough that Dom can’t hear me.

“You’re right, you know.” I call out toward the kitchen. He pops his head up and faces me. “To be scared. And you were honest. I knew it couldn’t have been that simple, to just say yeah, let’s never have kids. But, you were honest, and that was what I was looking for.”

He transfers green beans from the skillet to a serving bowl, turning his attention to me. “And maybe I should have led with that when I stopped by. I’ll give up what I thoughtwasmy dream to have my dream in front of me, and I’ll forever choose you, Cassandra McDonald.”

I’m quiet as I let him be in his element, moving around effortlessly, finishing our dinner. This is what I want with him. A future where he cares for me.

“Am I being selfish? You’re willing to give up your desire for kids? It feels selfish.”

He washes his hands, walks toward me, and kneels where I sit.

“First off, you’d make an amazing mom. But I’m not saying that to sway your decision. I don’t want you to misconstrue what I mean. There are so many mothers, mine included, that should have never been moms. It’s okay to say you don’t desire motherhood. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, or any less a woman. I have chosen you and this part of our life. Don’t think you’re being selfish, because we’ll have other adventures, things that bring us close, so very close.”

---