Page 66 of Atonement

“Okay.” He gasped and pulled his hand away, making me moan in frustration. “I promise, baby, I’ll make this worth it. I want to see you on your knees.” He sat up and shifted to the end of the bed, helping me move to the floor at the same time. “Just get me the rest of the way.”

I smiled to myself as I lowered my mouth over him once more, bobbing my head a few more times before letting him slide as far down my throat as I could manage. And then I swallowed.

“Stop. Stop.”

I took a deep breath, placed my hand on his balls, and held his gaze as I stuck out my tongue to lick up the drop of cum leaking out of him.

“Fuck.”

He shot to his feet and began to pump his cock as I sat up, pressing my tits together with my hand as he began to come all over my chest. The sight of him was so entrancing. His pleasure was so evident, not only his orgasm but also the way he looked at me as his cum splashed over my skin. I licked my lips involuntarily as a drop landed on my face.

“I love you so goddamn much.” He fell to his knees as he finished, taking my face in his hands and kissing me deeply. “Everything we’ve been through has been worth it, right? That we’re here together now?”

“It led us here. To us. The pain is in the past.” I was drunk, no longer on wine but the love between us. He crushed me against his chest and I buried my face in his neck. “We’re survivors, Meyer.”

He pulled me up with him and placed me on the bed, grabbing his discarded shirt to wipe our chests clean before kneeling at my feet. “Now. About that promise I made.”

My head fell onto the pillow as he settled between my legs, and as he began to lick in all the ways I liked the best, I let the rest of my lingering worries fade away.

Meyer

We were clumsy, and almost fell off the bed once, but something about us being together on that night felt … real. More than anything else since my father died. And even though it should have been a happy moment, a reminder that things were different now and would be for the rest of our lives, for me it was the beginning of realizing I had to make the hardest decision of my life.

Thanksgiving came and went.

The holiday had been such a welcome reprieve from the chaos of the past several months. We sat around the table as a family, laughing and passing plates like we’d done it our entire lives. The next morning, Joshua came down the stairs and announced he’d bought a place near the Canadian border and would be leaving the following day.

“We just poured the foundation.” I frowned as I stared at him from where I stood in the kitchen with my coffee. Madeline sat at the table at the other end of the room, twirling the spoon into her mug as she stared at the whirlpool of coffee and cream. “The new house will be up in a few months. Then you can stay here and we’ll be out of your hair.”

I’d been committed to destroying the house the moment our new one was erected, but Eva had come to me a few weeks before and asked that we leave it up in hopes Joshua would stay around. The remaining $245 million of Conrad’s estate had been distributed between Joshua and me, and Joshua hadn’t made any efforts to find new employment as far as I could tell. Apparently, he’d been busy shopping for real estate far away from New York City.

“I don’t know how to say this anymore.” He poured himself his own cup of coffee, ignoring Eva standing to his side with a plate of cinnamon rolls. “I’m not sticking around. I don’t want to remember anything that happened here.”

We were quiet for the longest moment. Maddie held her breath and looked between him and her mother. Finally, Eva set down the plate and left the kitchen. There was nothing angry about it; her footsteps on the linoleum were muted, and she paused on her way out the door to close it softly behind her.

“Come on, Joshua.” Maddie finally snapped. “Can you show a little kindness?”

“I don’t—”

“I know, I know, you don’t owe us anything. But she’s your mother, for God’s sake.” She exhaled through her nose with her hands on her hips, coffee forgotten next to her on the counter. “You see how much she cares about you. You could at least be a decent person. Would that be so hard to do?”

“Please, Joshua.” Dad stepped forward, and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t burn this bridge. We want you as part of the family. You don’t have to start coming to every holiday, but be civil. Her heart broke when she thought you were dead. Don’t break it again by being cold.”

Joshua walked out of the room without a word, but when he drove off the next day, Eva gave him a hug before he got in the car. When she turned back to the house, she was smiling.

Going into work every day got easier. Maddie left sometimes during my meetings and went to her tiny office several blocks away, in a seedier part of town than I liked. I would tap my pen against my leg while staring at a presentation, wondering if she’d been the victim of a random mugging or hit by a careless driver, but she always returned safe if somewhat breathless. I couldn’t wait until her company got fully moved over to this office, and she never needed to leave again. She refused to let me put any security on her, saying she wanted to live normally.

I scoffed to myself, drawing curious looks from those seated near me. Normal. What was a normal life? Was it possible to live normally after what we had been through? I’d put her through hell, and by the time I realized how lucky I was to have her in my corner, I’d let her slip through my fingers like sand. The fact that both of us were still alive, let alone together, was a miracle I didn’t deserve.

No matter how much I tried to deny it, her father’s words weighed on me more each day. We never had a chance at anything normal. Every day I kept her close to me I was torpedoing her chance at true happiness with someone who never tried to hurt her. How could I claim to love her, when she had to fight for her life from the moment we met? She should be out in the world, saving lives, but I was keeping her in a prison just as Conrad had kept me captive for three decades. Sure, my cage was more gilded and the threat of death no longer hung over her head like a scythe, but she was chained nonetheless.

This couldn’t go on.

Tuning out the meeting altogether, I turned to my laptop and pulled up a chat box with Jessica.

MSchaf: I need two tickets to Paris. Leaving as soon as possible.

JWinger: I’ll start working on that. Should I book accommodations as well?

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