Page 39 of Atonement

He cursed and tore his hands from mine, running them through his hair, face in anguish. “I took you outside without sunscreen. And you were burned when I came back after that week I was hiding.”

“Babe, it’s fine.” I should have been more diplomatic about this, but I didn’t expect him to be so distressed. “It’s been a long time since then. I go to the doctor regularly.”

“I can’t stand something else taking you away from me.” He leapt off the bed and snatched up the sheets, pulling them over me before sliding onto the mattress next to me and pulling me against his chest. “This is too many times, Maddie, we’ve almost been separated.”

“I told you, it was nothing. And you didn’t even know about it until now.”

“That makes it worse.” His head pressed into the back of my neck, against my wet hair. “I wasn’t there with you. I let you suffer alone, again.”

The surgery to remove that mole had been two weeks after I first learned about Meyer and Conrad Schaf. I wouldn’t have wanted him there with me even if he’d known.

“Promise me you won’t go outside without protection from now on. You need to be careful.”

I grabbed his hand from where it wrapped around my waist and kissed his fingers. “I promise.”

His arms held me so tight against his chest it was hard for me to breathe, but I didn’t protest. I shouldn’t have reminded him of my mortality. He was still reeling from the guilt of leaving me, of almost destroying us. I knew that. It was why he’d tie me to the bed if it meant keeping me from going back and putting my freedom, my life, at risk once more. But I could convince him that it didn’t make sense to either of us to lose Eva. He was a master negotiator. I just had to convince him to get in front of his father again, give him the courage to stand up to him, and we could get her back. I knew it.

I would have thought after being unconscious for most of the afternoon that I wouldn’t want to sleep, but the warmth of the bed and the feel of Meyer’s body pressed against my back and the sense of security he instilled deep in my bones was more potent than any drug, and before long I was in a deep sleep. I probably would have slept the entire night if it weren’t for the drunk couple arguing the entire way down the hall, then pausing outside our door to yell at each other a bit more before continuing to their room and slamming the door. I yawned and blinked in the dark, adjusting to the light, and thinking it was strange that Meyer had rolled away and let me go. But when I looked over my shoulder, his side of the bed was empty.

My hands were still bound, fingers swollen as they reached for the light, and I squinted around the room as my pupils sought to adapt once more, but he wasn’t anywhere in the room. The door to the bathroom was wide open. Leaning to his side of the bed, I found it completely cold, no remnant of his modest body heat to be found. A piece of paper lay folded on his pillow. I picked it up with trembling hands, simultaneously hoping it would and wouldn’t say what I thought it did. Because if he succeeded, I’d have my mother back. But if he didn’t, I’d lose them both.

Maddie -

The cleaning staff will get you eventually, but I’ll try to be back before then. Please stay here. The only way I can bear to do this is knowing that you’ll be safe, far away, and out of his reach. But I know what it’s like to live without a mother, and I don’t want that for you. I love you far too much. But maybe more importantly, I also love her.

It’s like you said. She’s my mother too.

I love you so goddamn much.

- Meyer

Meyer

Leaving her behind—again—was almost more than I could bear. I promised her I wouldn’t leave, then broke that oath the second she fell asleep. Left her without food, without even a glass of water. I set a mental note to call the motel as soon as Eva was safe, and prayed no one discovered her before then. Maybe she would sleep through the night. If she didn’t, someone was sure to find her long before I could get back, certainly before housekeeping came by in the morning. It was already late afternoon, and I didn’t know how long this process was going to take. I picked up the pace a little as I hopped into the car and tore off down the highway.

I didn’t stop. At some point my phone rang, and when I checked the caller ID I recognized the phone number for the hotel.

Shit. She was loose. Would they call the police? She would almost certainly tell them not to, but would they listen to the naked woman they’d just found tied to a bed with bruises and cuts all over every inch of her body? If they called the police she’d be stuck there for hours more, probably taken down to the station so they could close the missing person’s report. I could hope for that, but then the cops might end up at Conrad’s door anyway. No matter how much money he’d thrown at them over the years, it couldn’t buy away the obvious abuse she’d endured.

And the moment Conrad saw the red and blue lights flashing in his driveway, he’d slit Eva’s throat.

I floored the gas.

*

I parked the car on a side road, killed the engine, and pulled my jacket tighter around my shoulders. It was cold enough now that even I felt the chill deep in my lungs. I pulled out the burner phone again, checking for missed calls, even though I knew she wouldn't be calling me. She didn't even have her own phone. My finger hovered over the keypad, and once again I held back the desire to dial the motel and find out what had happened to her. I couldn't even bring myself to listen to the numerous voicemails left on the phone. With the deadly sense of finality, I snapped the phone into two and tossed the pieces in opposite directions. I opened the trunk of the car, pulled out the folding ladder I had stolen from the side of a random house on the way down here, and propped it up against the wall surrounding my father's property. Then I began to climb.

I had to hop a little bit to reach the top of the wall, but was able to pull myself up and over without too much trouble. I was thankful for the sleep I had been able to steal before I snuck out of the hotel room, leaving Madeleine tied up like I used to those first days she and I were together. It had restored some of my strength. Unfortunately, it had also given my overworked muscles time to lock up and become sore. I grimaced as I landed on the other side of the wall in a squat, my abs and glutes smarting from the impact. I grimaced as I wrapped a hand around my waist, giving myself a few precious seconds to breathe through the pain before I stood up straight. At least I was here.Step one complete. Peering into the dense brush before me, I was reminded of just how far I still had to go. With a deep breath, I thrust my hands among the branches and plunged into the wood.

My innate sense of direction kept me on the right track, and the constant movements meant my blood stayed warm despite the chill. I even started sweating at one point, but I didn't dare take off my jacket. The sun was heading down in the sky too quickly, and it would be night soon. I needed to get to my house before then.

By the time I found the lake where Madeleine used to take Her Majesty for picnics, I was slightly behind the schedule I'd set for myself. In the clear, I hustled toward the house but slowed as I passed the stable. Once she knew her mother was safe, Madeleine would want to know how her horse was doing. I could get close to the beast if it meant being able to bring her an update.

The staff I'd hired had continued doing their jobs while Madeleine and I were otherwise occupied. Conrad probably never noticed them coming through the service entrance, given that so much hired help came and went every day. Still, the horse snickered as soon as she saw me, rearing up slightly on both legs as if asking where her mistress was.

"I'm sorry," I said, extending my hand tentatively as I inched closer to the stall. "I'll get her back here soon."

Her Majesty nuzzled her snout in my palm briefly before snorting and turning around in her small enclosure. Bringing home this animal had shown too much of my hand to Madeline, but in the end it was a crucial catalyst to bringing us together. I’d let her have this generous gift, hadn’t sent it back, hadn’t had it killed just to spite her. At the time I was in denial about why I let her keep the beast, but it was clear now. Because I couldn’t sayI love youwith words, I indulged her, even if only a little.

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