Page 23 of Atonement

Maddie looked at me across the table, eyes full of apologies. I shook my head subtly. This wasn't her fault. I'd always regarded her selflessness as a character defect, when in reality I was envious of her unending empathy for anyone and anything in pain. And though I'd thrown it in her face so many times, she was trying to use it to save me now. Too bad it wasn't working.

Conrad stood and walked toward me, fingers trailing against the smooth surface of the table with feigned nonchalance. I gripped my steak knife tighter, trying to work up the courage to use it to defend myself if necessary. He spoke softly.

"Tell me where you got this. I'm done asking. Tell me now and I won’t break your hand any worse than it already is."

I knew he would move, but I was still unprepared for how quickly his hand snatched out to grab mine. I was wearing the brace, no need to pretend I didn't need it anymore, but his pressure on the joint was enough to make me shift uncomfortably.

"Drop the knife."

"Let go of me."

"Not a fucking chance."

I swung the knife at his hand, slicing across his skin. The skin split as beautifully as my own did the times I cut myself for release; blood pooled at the edges, swelling over the edge of the skin, and then tumbled across his thumb and dripped to the ground. Madeline gasped, but I didn’t dare look at her. Conrad and I were locked in on each other.

“Let go.”

The longest heartbeat of my life passed before, one by one, his fingers released me and he drew away. I exhaled, suddenly lightheaded, and sucked in another breath as Conrad turned and walked away. As he crossed the threshold leading from the dining room to the hall, I finally looked across the table at Madeline. She was breathing too fast, chest heaving as if she’d come running into the room, but her eyes held something I hadn’t seen in awhile.

Hope.

“Quickly,” she whispered.

I shot to my feet.

And then, the sickening sound of wood on wood.

I knew that noise. My arm began to tingle reflexively, fingers going numb with pre-emptive pain. A thousand terrible memories, pushed to the back of my psyche for my own good, bubbled to the surface like boiling water. Maddie turned toward the source of the sound, but I couldn’t bear to look. I focused on her.

“Sit. Down.” Conrad’s voice froze the blood in my veins.

I wanted to obey. I did. But I was frozen, staring at the woman who had made my life worth living for a least a few short weeks.

“Maddie,” I said. She didn’t look at me, her eyes focused on Conrad as he walked toward me, thumping the bat against the ground to punctuate each step. “Maddie!”

Finally, she turned, and I saw why she had avoided looking at me. Every trace of hope in her eyes was replaced by unadulterated fear.

The legs of my chair scraped against the floor behind me, and Joshua’s large hands appeared out of nowhere, landing on my shoulders and forcing me to my knees so I had to look up to keep eye contact with Maddie. “I should have told you,” I said. “I—”

My teeth clacked shut as the bat met my chin, gently for now, but with enough force to close my mouth for me. I kept staring at Maddie, unwilling to look away. I might die right now. If that was what happened, I wanted her to be the last thing I looked at. But I didn’t have a choice as the bat moved from my chin to my cheek, turning my head until I couldn’t see her even with my eyes strained as far to the side as I could manage.

“Conrad, what are you doing?” Maddie pleaded, her voice punctuated by the rattling of her chain as she pulled at it, trying to get closer to me across the too-wide table.

“I don’t answer to you,” he reminded her. I stared at the floor. “Do you have anything you want to say to me, son?”

“I’m sorry.” I swallowed. “Dad.”

“Hmm.” He tapped the tip of the bat gently against my cheek, then pulled it back over his shoulder. “Not good enough.”

I fell flat on the ground a moment before the bat swung over my head, hair rustling in the breeze it created.

“Stop it!” Maddie screamed. Peeking under the table, I could see her feet barely on the ground, as if she were straining across the top of the table despite the collar and chain holding her back.

“Be a good girl and stay quiet for us, will you?” Conrad grabbed the short hair at the back of my head and pulled me to my knees, and Joshua yanked at my tie until it came apart and he was able to pull it from my neck. With Conrad’s grip still hard on my hair, Joshua sauntered around the table to push Maddie back into the chair.

He whispered something in her ear as he pulled my tie across her mouth and between her lips. Conrad pressed the bat into my stomach, pulling my attention back to the more immediate threat.

“Eyes on me, son.” The last word was punctuated with a jab of the bat to my stomach, threatening to send up half-digested steak. “Your time playing house seems to have caused you to forget where your loyalties should lie.”

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