Page 17 of Atonement

Every bottle of alcohol in my house was drained and piled in a corner in my kitchen. When I woke on the third day, with the sun already making its descent in the sky, I found the empties gone, but no replacements. I dug through my cabinets and threw out all their contents before I was satisfied that there was not a drop left for me to consume.

And then I had absolutely nothing.

As I retched over the sink, unable to keep down even small amounts of water, I wondered where she was. How much of herself she still possessed. Would it even be worth my time to try and resolve things with Conrad again, particularly when I was the one who had broken her apart before abandoning her, leaving her ripe for the picking by a madman with revenge on his mind?

She’s still alive. You can’t forget that.

“Shut up,” I muttered to myself, but forced myself to stand up straight and wipe my face with a damp towel. I’d felt worse, but not by much.

I was completely dismantled of everything that made my life worth living, except one. She was the only thing left that gave me any reason to keep breathing. She was still my Maddie.

After I got over my stupor from seeing Shawn flayed open and left to die in a car outside my father’s house, I walked back to the house and rang the doorbell. It was a full minute before Joshua opened the door, though I never heard his footsteps approach. I supposed it could have been that the blood rushing through my ears was blocking out most every sound around me, but I thought it was more likely he was standing behind the door the entire time.

“I need a car,” I said simply, staring at the knot of his tie. “The Navigator, preferably.”

“Meet me at the garage.” He closed the door without waiting for my response.

He handed over the keys and I drove back to the front of the house, then loaded my best friend’s body into the trunk of the car. There was still so much blood left in his body, even as it pooled in puddles on the seat and floor of the car where he’d waited for me as instructed. I nearly dropped him twice, but my reflexes snapped to attention to ensure he didn’t hit the ground again. Joshua reached to help me, but I jerked away so quickly more blood trickled forth and soaked onto my hands.

“Don’t fucking touch him,” I snapped.

When I laid my jacket over Shawn’s torso and pulled down his eyelids, he almost looked like he was sleeping. Except for the pallor of his skin. Already it was white and waxy, with a complete lack of expression on his face. How long would it take before he started to fall apart? I couldn’t let that happen.

“What are you going to do with this?”

I turned to look at Joshua, finding him gesturing to Shawn’s car with his thumb.

“That’s your responsibility,” I said vacantly. I wasn’t sure I had the capacity to decide what to do with Shawn, let alone the car soaked in blood. “It’s your mess.”

“I didn’t do this.”

“But you knew it was going to happen.”

It was his turn to avoid my eyes.

“You could have warned us.” I turned back to Shawn, hoping to find him smiling at me as if this was some sort of sick prank, but he was still dead, and growing colder every second.

“How could I have done that?”

“You’re the one playing both sides of this … whatever it is. You should have figured something out.”

Joshua closed the driver’s door at the same time I shut the hatch on the SUV.

“Do you need help—”

“Not from you.” I climbed into the front and drove away.

Back at my house, I pulled Shawn into the bathroom and undressed him, letting the rest of his blood run down the drain in the tub before washing him. He had bruising around his neck, and scratches where he’d pulled at whatever choked him. Maybe that meant he hadn’t felt much when his wrists were slit open. Or maybe he’d been startled awake by the pain, unable to find the strength to fight back any more, while his killer watched the light leave his eyes through the reflection in the rear view mirror.

When most of his blood seemed to be gone from his skin and I was relatively convinced none of my own DNA was left somewhere on him, I wrapped him in a sheet and pulled him back outside to the car. Then I left the property and drove.

He deserved far better than a ditch on the side of the highway, but leaving him on the property wasn’t an option either. I had no doubt that an anonymous tip to the police would lead back to me far sooner than it would my father or any of his staff. I could place a call when he was far from where he’d died and I was on my way back home, then torch the Navigator in the back woods of Conrad’s property where no search warrant could ever touch it.

“I’m so sorry, buddy. Fuck.” I cursed as I wiped away a tear that had fallen on his face. I couldn’t afford to be sappy now. “I’ll figure something out. I never wanted you to get involved in any of this.”

His skin was already too cold, even I could feel that. Nothing about him seemed real any more. The police would find him here, and there would be a perfunctory investigation before they determined there wasn’t enough evidence to track down whoever killed him. His homicide would be filed away as unsolved, but at least his family would have a proper burial. Whether I would be welcome to attend was another question.

I left my best friend on the hard ground as frost began to form on the tips of the grass cradling his body, and then I went home to black out.

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