Page 55 of Atonement

"I wouldn't bet on that," he murmured into my hair.

Every time I looked at him, it felt like seeing the sun for the first time. Before, he had been so cold that getting close to him meant slowing my own heart beat. But summer was back, even as the weather outside grew progressively colder, and when we lay down together at night, it always ended with a fine sheen of sweat covering both our bodies. And no matter how hot we were, how rapid our breathing, he kept me tucked against him until we both fell asleep. Sometimes in the mornings we would wake up on separate sides of the bed. Whoever opened their eyes first would crawl across the mattress to the other. Whatever had pulled us together before was still there, only stronger, frayed thread turned to steel, binding us together too tightly for anyone to break apart.

I pushed back from him, putting some space between us, and beamed at him as widely as I could. “Can I have my own assistant?”

“No.” He pecked me on the nose and finally released me. “I’ll take care of whatever you need.”

“Even complicated latte orders?”

“Even complicated latte orders.”

“Then I want a vanilla soy latte with extra foam and caramel drizzle on top.”

He rolled his eyes. “Is that the best you can do?” He walked to his desk and picked up his phone, pushing a button. “Jessica, could you please get a vanilla soy latte with extra foam and caramel drizzle on top for Miss Sheppard?”

I smiled as I returned my chair and watched him work. He’d been talking about quitting, starting a search for a new CEO and COO to replace his father and himself, but he was so in his element here. He enjoyed being busy, even if he couldn’t admit it.

“Do you know the reason I was smiling that day in Shawn’s apartment?”

A shadow passed over his face at the memory. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“I do, though.” I wrapped my arms around my knees, pulling my feet underneath me on the chair. “It wasn’t because I was glad to see your company go down. I knew you by then, Meyer. I knew you were a decent person who had lived too long under a terrible man’s shadow. I was smiling because I thought your father was finally going to be exposed to the world for the monster he was. It wasn’t until we fought in here that I realized just how deceived you had been; how much you were still on his side even though he had tortured you for so many years. I thought you had finally come around.”

“But I didn’t, and it almost cost us everything.” He blinked rapidly. “It did for Shawn.”

Finally. I’d been trying to get him to bring up Shawn for days, but he danced around the subject expertly. “What happened to him wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

“How could it not be? I had so many opportunities to save us all, and it wasn’t until I nearly lost everything that I finally decided to act. I’ll carry that with me forever.”

My fingers twitched, itching to touch his, but something held me from running across the room to him. He was too fidgety. I didn’t think he wanted me weighing him down right now.

“It’s Conrad’s fault. His and Anita’s.”

“But if I’d—”

“But nothing. Anita wanted to hurt you. She spent all her time and energy putting up this pretty face so none of us could see the monster she was hiding. I was taken in by it. So was Shawn.”

“I could have warned him better.”

“You did as much as you could.” I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I rose to my feet and crossed the room to him once more. He kept his eyes on his laptop, trying to type, but I grabbed his hands and enveloped them in mine. “You didn’t know she was capable of such things, Meyer. None of us did.”

He slid his thumb against mine reassuringly, but kept his eyes and head turned away.

“He was my best friend.”

“I know, baby.” I ducked my head and kissed his fingers. “It wasn’t fair, what happened to him.”

“His family won’t talk to me.” He pulled his hands free and rubbed at his face. His bloodshot eyes met mine as he finally looked away from his computer. “They think I’m holding back information about what happened. Since I won’t tell them the truth, they blame me. And why shouldn’t they? Anita will never confess. They’ll never know exactly what happened to him.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. My tongue sat in my mouth, dead and useless, as I struggled for the words to fix him.

“Sometimes there are no good answers.”

“You can say that again.”

We turned toward the door in unison as it opened and Jessica entered a moment later with my latte. I smiled at her, but my lips felt tight. When we were alone again, I set my drink on the desk and pushed it away.

“I don’t really feel like teasing you anymore.”

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