Page 35 of Atonement

She dodged my kiss, turning her head so my lips landed on her cheek. How often had she done that, tried to fight me off? But in the end, she was the one who came to me. Who broke me down when I would have been content to hold her and know she was breathing.

I loosened my hold enough that she could shove me off, but I only let my hands fall. I didn’t step back. I didn’t want her running out.

“I fucked up, Maddie.”

“That’s not enough. Can you undo what was done to me?” She pressed one hand on her shoulder, the other over the bandages on her stomach. “Can you undo what’s being done to my mother right now?”

That might be what broke us more than anything else.

“You know I can’t. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop trying.”

Her lips twitched. “Take me back there now. I want my mom.”

“That’s not going to happen. Because I love you too much to put you at risk every again.”

She was frozen in shock until I grabbed her, pulled her close, and kissed her again. This time, I didn’t let her push me away. I held her head fast in my hands as she beat at my shoulders my back, my head, but always avoiding my bruised arm. And always, always, kissing me back, pressing her mouth to me so angrily I could feel us bruising even as we kissed. When I released her and reached for her shorts she bit her nails into my shoulders and neck as she lifted herself off the dresser, helping me disrobe her entirely, even though didn’t make any move to assist me. She kept pushing at me so I had to hold her against me with my right arm, bicep still bruised and hand still very much sore and broken, and yank at my trousers with one hand. But in moments I had them undone and was kicking them across the room. I pushed her back as hard as I dared, but she wrapped her arms around my neck again and clutched herself against me.

“Saying that won’t get you out of this. I won’t forgive you.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“I mean it this time.”

She’d never fought me like this before, not even when I attacked her back at my house. But I remembered what she’d said to me after, as we waited for the car that would take us to the party where I finally got her to kiss me.

If I’d thought I had been captivated by her before, that evening had sealed the deal. I’d thought at best she would freeze like a dead fish beneath my touch; at worst, I expected a slap. But she hadn’t done either of those things. She opened her mouth and kissed me back, returned the affection I’d been craving so badly since the day I came home from school to find the only woman I’d ever called ‘Mother’ gone, and my father in the worst rage I’d ever seen. Madeline had kissed me back, and it was the first time I ever thought the woman I was kissing actually felt something for me beyond lust for my body or greed over the zeroes in my bank account. Even though she was afraid of me, even though I’d been nothing but cruel to her, she’d already reached inside my chest and wrapped every perfect finger around my heart. But instead of ripping it out, as she would have been justified to do, she helped it continue to beat. Even when I tried to stop it myself.

“You asked me for something once.” I held her face in my hands, elbows holding her back from launching at me. “Do you remember what it was?”

“To let me go?” She paused, holding my wrists tightly, ready to spring back into action at any moment. “To leave me the fuck alone? To never speak to me again?”

“To admit what I did.”

Her nostrils flared at the memory. “I didn’t ask you. I ordered you.”

“And I didn’t listen. Because I’m a bastard, Maddie, both literally and figuratively. But damn if I won’t spend the rest of my life trying to earn the right to stand next to you for a moment longer.”

Her nails dug into my skin, pressing on the scars that marked the first time I’d tried to end my life, the event that brought her mother back into my life—and subsequently, Madeline herself. At the time, I believed my life couldn’t get any worse than it was. I was wrong. Because the worst was coming back to Shawn’s empty apartment, the kicked in door, the melted freezer dinner leaking across the countertop showing me how badly I’d failed the woman who made my heart whole.

“And how do you think you’re going to do that?”

I traced one thumb over the curve of her cheek. The words that were about to come out of my mouth, I’d only uttered to two people more a decade. With Conrad, they never worked. All I could do was hope that she would be kinder than him. With Madeline, she’d been either too drunk to notice, or too angry to care. If she couldn’t accept them from me now, I didn’t know what the next step would be. How either of us could move forward.

“I’m sorry.”

For an eternity, the only sound was her breathing as she struggled to internalize my words. She looked at me as if I’d spoken a different language. And then, with a sharp inhale, she screamed.

I winced at the noise but didn’t let her go even as she started to fight me once more, teeth digging into my shoulder, fingers grasping my hair. I froze our fight as much as I could, holding her though she continued to struggle. I had to get this out. She deserved to hear it all.

“I’m sorry I left you.” I held her tight, her blows and bites not scaring me in the slightest. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I tried to rape you.”

“God damn you, Meyer.” She kissed me so hard our teeth clacked. I let her go, she stopped fighting me, and I crawled on top of the dresser with her, between her legs, letting one hand go where my cock wanted to be and finding her still unaroused. It hadn’t all been for show, the fighting.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured into her mouth, my fingers light against her pussy lips as they parted. I put one finger against her clit and pressed, earning me a light gasp.

“Say it again,” she said. Her hips lifted to meet me, begging for more. I began to rub at the same time I dipped my fingers lower, to her entrance.

“I’m sorry.”

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