Page 49 of Free Fall

“But Leo’s a scary monster,” I said, turning back to my son and pulling a face, just in time for him to roar again, his little voice echoing around the store.

Avery pulled Leo from the cart and flung him onto his shoulders, jumping up and down until the kid burst with laughter. My heart warmed at the sight of my two special guys chuckling together and messing around, annoying all the other shoppers. I needed to work through this idiocy and let myself enjoy the season, if only for the sake of my little Halloween baby.

Avery, Seren and I had lived together since leaving the place we’d met. We’d already been making tentative plans to do so after college, but the explosion of my life sped things up, and we left that night, packing our things and fleeing the town in Seren’s car. We chose Avery’s home town to move to, after he’d promised us he wanted to go back after college anyway, and we stayed with his aunt until we had a house rented.

My sweet angel friends followed me to a new place, a new life, without batting an eye. And every day, they proved to me how happy they were to have done so. It didn’t stop the guilt I lived with like bones under my skin, but watching the joy on Avery’s face as he made Leo laugh helped. He didn’t consider us a burden.

Seren’s career had blossomed. She’d sworn it was the perfect place for her post-grad and it was where she wanted to go, and she’d been right. We were close to a major city and it was easy for her to get in. I’d watched her sink into her role and make advances, more money, responsibility, prestige, and felt nothing but pride.

Avery had an internship at an architecture firm that paid pennies, but we happily boosted him. It would be worth it all. Despite me bringing a baby into the mix, we all supported each other in some way.

It took a lot for me to trust it, to trust them, but in the end, they’d been my rocks. We’d settled into a routine filled with diaper changes and midnight wake-ups, but it changed every few weeks as Leo grew. Needing to pull ourselves out of bed multiple times a night had morphed to constant entertainment and managing tantrums. Something Avery was best at.

Leo was now barreling through a phase of needing Avery to sing and enact songs from Pixar movies before he would even consider going to sleep. It was exhausting. But amazing. Even if he did look more like his dad and his brothers with each passing month. The dark blond hair that I kept short, the bright eyes and the occasional moody glare that crossed his gaze when he was pissed. The Diaz came flying out of him when he was grouchy and tired.

“Ah, shit,” I said, glancing at the time on my phone. “We better get a move on or I’ll be late.”

Avery shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry.” He bounced Leo again, regretting it when the little dude ripped a massive fart. “I’ve got him,” Avery winced. “Will see you at home tonight.”

I kissed them both on the cheek and headed out into the chilly fall air. We had it all worked out. Life was good. Friends turning into family. Toxic family at arm’s length. The cutest kid ever in the center to keep me grounded.

Even if I hadn’t had sex in three years and the thought of any romance made me want to vomit. I watched Avery and Seren exist with happy, fulfilling dating lives, but it sickened me. The idea of being touched in that way, of letting another person in. No. Seren pestered me about it at a constant, incessant rate, bringing up men from work or cute guys at the coffee shop. I’d always refused, shaking my head and laughing until she let it go.

The walk to the studio was a short one from the grocery store, about halfway back to our house. We rented near the town center for convenience, and while it was more expensive, three incomes made it bearable. I’d finished my degree online, like we all had, but there wasn’t much time for an English Lit degree when you had a baby, then a toddler. Instead, I walked into the first of my two jobs, waving as I smiled at the familiar receptionist.

This was the fun one, with cute kids early into acrobatics and dance, wanting to learn how to twirl ribbons and ride unicycles. We called it circus skills, but only to jazz it up a bit. There were no clowns or bearded ladies here.

The class went well. No major dramas or mishaps, and I was soon heading home, thinking of those cookies Avery would have squirreled away out of Leo’s tiny paws. As I reached our neighborhood, more cartoonish creepy decorations crept up. The spooky witch on next door’s lawn made me scowl, her green face and pointy hat pissing me off. Seren had declared me a Halloween scrooge last year when I’d refused to help decorate. But who could blame me?

“Looks just like you,” a voice called from a little ways up the road. My shoulders slumped at the figure walking toward me at a slow pace.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as Cole got closer, his hands shoved into his pocket and a beanie on his head like he was trying to be all sneaky. The three years had served him well, the last of his boyishness gone and replaced with a squarer jaw and thicker muscles. He was a big guy, like his dad. It was a wonder Leo hadn’t completely messed up my body coming out of it.

Cole shrugged and grinned. “Here to see the little dude. I missed my brother.”

I nodded and motioned for him to follow me. The biggest shocker from all of this was how much Cole had pulled through. He’d been present through everything, having persuaded Avery to be his ‘in guy’ with me. After the birth, he visited the hospital while Leo and I were recovering, and he hadn’t stopped cropping up in our lives since. Driving for hours to spend thirty minutes at the park with Leo, pushing him on the swings or feeding the ducks. Every birthday, Christmas, random summer’s day he just felt bored… he came to us.

My skepticism had long faded, he’d proven himself time and again, and he was fantastic with his brother. Even though something in the back of my mind warned me to be wary, I ignored it. The evidence in front of me was enough. More hands on deck, the better. And a Diaz in Leo’s life. It healed a tiny part of my massive guilt complex.

“He might be asleep,” I told the oldest Diaz twin, opening the front door. It wasn’t quite his bedtime yet, but it was creeping up and sometimes Avery put him down early if he was cranky.

“I’m here for a few days,” Cole said, shrugging off his coat and hat in the hall, hanging them on the hook while I kicked my shoes off. He was familiar with our house, slipped in without fanfare. “Jesse’ll be out here soon too. I’ve got a job interview.”

I turned to look at the man who’d tried to fuck me over three years ago. “You’re moving out here?”

Cole shrugged. “Why not?” He tilted his head as he took in my reserved reaction. “I like it here. Like spending time with little bro. There’s nothing for me at home now.”

I ducked my head. As far as I was aware, Luca and Alison had wrung out a messy divorce, sold their house, and ended up on opposite sides of the country. My sister would slip in innocuous tidbits of information when I wasn’t paying attention, sly little mentions of news to satisfy the deep craving I had but wouldn’t admit to.

Truth was, it hurt that Luca had never tried to find me. It was the worst kept secret, especially with Cole and Jesse visiting as often as they could, but he’d never shown up at my door. I spent the first few months waiting for him, expecting every knock to be him, but it never was. One day I just let it go, pushed the pain out on the breeze and got on with my life. But the niggle lingered when Leo looked at me a certain way, or I was up on the ribbons and my mind drifted to that time at the old studio.

Something remained missing from my world, but it was still so full. The hole was one we could hop over, ignore for now.

Cole patted me on the shoulder as we turned and walked into the living room, finding Avery and Seren watching TV, slumped on the sofa. Leo lay collapsed across Avery’s chest, deep asleep, with his wispy hair twisting up into Avery’s curls. The dark blond and almost black contrast looked pretty. Opposing.

“What a sight for sore eyes,” Cole said, making Avery and Seren turn.

Seren rolled her eyes, but Avery’s cheeks pinked up. He was definitely harboring a bit of a crush on Leo’s big brother, and half the time Cole was here, he spent staring at Avery like he wanted to eat him. Like he couldn’t figure the other man out. Or maybe what the strange sensations in his body were… something like feelings? Emotion? Gross. Seren and I speculated about it a lot, but it was a passing curiosity, all things considered.

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