Page 74 of Free Fall

I nodded, stood up, walked two steps before turning. My parents didn’t look so big anymore. They looked like normal people with a burden to bear.

“I’m sorry I’ve ruined your day,” I murmured, feeling so fucking small. “But I owed you the truth. You owe me an attempt to try and get past this. We won’t come for Christmas, I don’t think it would be fair on any of us at this point. But…” I sighed. “I… I’ll send your presents in the mail.”

The front door slammed behind me to sounds of my dad shouting. I didn’t give the words the decency of attention, didn’t let them enter my already fraught mind.

It was out there now. There was no one else to hide from. Luca and I could be out in the open, from starting in the pits of shame, from him hiding our involvement with each other even from me, to this, where we could just exist? Despite the pain in my heart I knew would come from telling my parents, it was no worse than the deception.

The drive home was better, a burden lifted. I listened to loud music, the kind Leo always hated, and sang along with tears streaming, then drying, down my cheeks. The sun was setting as I reached our neighborhood, and Christmas decorations were winking on, making the world glitter with their vibrant illumination.

I smiled as I drove into the driveway. Colorful lights had been weaved around the hedges, an inflatable snowman we for sure didn’t own before today bobbed by the pathway, and in the window I saw Leo on his dad’s shoulders.

They were bouncing around, Cole and Jesse trying to catch them while Leo looked seconds from pooping his pants in excitement. I laughed at them, not ready to interrupt it yet. But they caught sight of me, Luca and Leo waving through the foggy glass before charging to the front door.

I met them there; the tears streaming unbidden again.

“Look at what we got!” Leo shrieked, leaping from Luca’s arms to my own, jabbing his chubby finger toward the snowman.

“It’s amazing!” I agreed, kissing his forehead. Luca reached over and brushed a tear from under my eye, his expression curious but resigned. He gestured with his head for me to come in, shutting the door behind us to stop anymore chilly air leaking into the warmth of home.

“We brought some ornaments from the zoo. Leo wanted to show you before we put them on the tree,” Luca said, his hand falling to the small of my back. It was a gentle comfort, a little tap to tell me we would talk later. He hadn’t wanted me to go by myself, but had relented when I explained my view. It was something to do alone, mother, daughter, father.

Leo told me all about his new ornaments, about their day, as we met Cole and Jesse in the living room, huddled around the tree. Soft Christmas music played, and the room smelled of slightly burned cookies. I squeezed my son tight before letting him clamber down to the bag withNoah’s Ark Zooprinted on the side.

We all gathered on the floor for the show, Luca’s touch never leaving my body. I’d tell him all about it later, but for now, I wanted to soak up this. This tenuous family. Three men I’d hated at various points in our lives. Cole, a manipulative bastard with a dark side as bottomless as the Marianna trench. Quiet Jesse, who kept his opinions buried so deep it would take an oil drill to find them. And Luca, the man who’d torn me to shreds and sewn me back up.

Then there was Leo at the center of all of it, innocent and waving a ceramic giraffe in my face. Luca’s hand rubbed my hip, he kissed the top of my head.

I could make this work.

Forty One

Luca

Twoofthethreetext messages I sent months ago, during one of those moments when it felt like everything might be okay, had done what I wanted them to. I apologized to my eldest sons, promised to be more present, to work harder at healing and being a good father to them. Jesse had chosen the moment to confirm he was moving here to be closer, and we’d been rebuilding ever since. He was going to live with Cole in my apartment. Spending time with all three of my sons had healed something in me I didn’t know had shattered years ago.

I’d kept them at arm’s length since they were kids and being called up on it had killed a part of me. I used them, emotionally abused both them and their mother - everyone around me, in fact. And I’d had no remorse until Zelda had up and left me to wallow in the pigsty I’d made of my life. She hadn’t just fixed us, she’d repaired all of me in letting me back in.

The hardest conversation was with Cole. Jesse had fucked off as soon as he could, but Cole stayed, and I’d used him the most, pushing him on his little brother under nefarious gains. He shrugged it off when I got serious on him and begged for true forgiveness, telling me it was fun and he would do it again even if I hadn’t asked. As always, there was more under the surface with him, but we moved on. I was open when he was ready to spill more.

We both struggled to navigate our emotions. But two of the texts I’d sent, the first to Cole, the second to Jesse, explaining myself, asking for them to try, to hear me out, had worked. My sons were in my life again, and in a healthy way. I hoped.

But that third message. That message took months for the reply to come through. I stared at my phone with a frown, the two texts seeming so incongruous after all this time. A months long gap between them.

Luca: Will he see me? I have a lot to say. I want to apologize, move forward if we can. At least let him punch me around some more if it’ll help. Please, Del, get him to see me. Talk to me. Anything.

Delilah: You were spineless to send Zel on her own. Henry knows you better than to be a coward

Well, shit. I sighed. My cowardice was well documented at this point. How I’d hidden from her, hidden everything from him, from everyone. If I’d just broken up with Ali, then told Henry how I felt about his daughter… things would still have ended just as fucked up, but I might have some dignity intact.

Dignity I wasn’t sure I deserved. But the sounds of Zelda and Leo in the kitchen while I pondered a response made it feel possible. I was out on the small deck at the back of the property, shivering and drinking a steaming coffee, staring at my phone screen. When it buzzed during breakfast, and Zelda saw my face drop, I told her who it was. Her mother. No space for hiding anything anymore. It was my new year’s mission. Even though we still had days to go of this year, I was getting a head fucking start.

I scrolled down to Henry’s name, wishing I had a cigarette to calm my nerves, even though I hadn’t smoked since I was a teenager.

Luca: Zelda is happy. She’d be happier if you’d at least try. I fucked everything up between us, but families are shit at the best of times. I’m here waiting when you want to beat my ass into the ground.

I attached a picture of the three of us, knowing it might be pushing too many buttons, but it was one of my favorite pictures. Leo was on my shoulders, leaning down to lay a sloppy kiss on his mother’s cheek. She was grimacing through a smile, his ice cream sticky spit running down her face. Smiling as I sent it, I hoped for… well, anything.

I didn’t move until my phone buzzed on my lap, no more than five minutes later. I was going to be late for work, but it was worth it to let a little something else go. To make tracks in healing another fucking thing I’d destroyed.

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