Page 60 of Silver Lining Love

“Mom, stop. What are you…?” Everything my mom was saying was coming out of left field. I’d never complained to my mom about my upbringing. I stood and pulled her into my arms. “You were a great mom. Youarea great mom.”

She was shaking her head against my chest when the backdoor opened, and I heard the heavy thud of my dad’s boots. I looked up and saw Michael behind my dad. He was wearing a pair of boots that had been passed down from brother to brother. Seeing Michael wearing them felt…right.

“Oh good, you’re up. Half the day’s already gone.”

My mom chuckled at the joke my dad had been milking for nearly forty years as she walked over to fill up his mug with his second dose of caffeine for the day. When she did, he swatted her rear, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

“You gonna come help me take a look at that engine?” My dad patted me on the shoulder.

I nodded and headed back upstairs to get dressed as I replayed the conversation with my mom. I had no idea where any of that had come from, but I would find out before I left. That conversation was not over.

27

WHITNEY

“You’re allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.” ~ Gamma Mary

I stretchedmy arms over my head and yawned. I’d been sitting on the couch looking through photo album after photo album sipping sweet tea for the better part of an hour. Alice and Mikey were out working on the farm with Wyatt and his dad. Benji was napping, and one of Dolly’s friends had whisked her away for a pre-birthday mani-pedi.

She’d invited me to go, but I hadn’t wanted to intrude. I already felt like it was an imposition having me and the kids here, not that anyone was making me feel like that. Quite the opposite, actually. They were treating me and the kids like family.

Family.A tear formed in my eyes as I continued flipping through page after page documenting Wyatt and his siblings’ childhood. I know that these were just snapshots and I shouldn’t judge from the outside looking in, but it truly appeared to have been idyllic.

Every picture I saw was the childhood I wanted for Mikey, and Alice, and Benji. But how was I going to give it to them alone? Wyatt had said that he wasn’t leaving, that he was all in, and I believed that he meant it, but we weren’t a couple.

We’d never talked about what we were or if we were anything. I was too scared to. I knew that he wouldn’t abandonus, as in the collective four of us, but that didn’t mean things would work out withus,as in me and him.

Even though I appreciated his commitment, I knew that the buck stopped with me. I was going to need to figure out how to raise them, and I had no idea what I was doing. Things had been so easy here. The kids had been so happy. They loved the farm. I hadn’t seen Mikey on his phone once.

But in a few days, we were going to go home. Back to reality.

“I see you found the picture albums.” Dolly’s voice came from behind me.

It gave me such a start that I jumped and almost knocked over my sweet tea. I’d been so engrossed in the photos that I didn’t even hear the front door open.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, suddenly feeling like I’d been caught with my hand in the cookie jar because I hadn’t asked anyone if I could look through these.

“Don’t be.” Dolly waved her hand as she sat down next to me and picked up one of the albums and began flipping through it. “I love taking walks down memory lane.”

“How did you do it?” I asked, hoping to find out the secret that I obviously was missing. “How did you raise all these kids?”

“One day at a time,” she replied as if that was a question that she’d been asked a lot and it was her go-to response. “That’s the only way you can.”

I shook my head, needing more. “But I mean, I only have the three and I feel like I just keep fuc…um…like I just keep messing up.”

She nodded. “Yep, that sounds about right. You’re gonna make mistakes, lots of them. But then every day, the sun sets on those mistakes, and it rises again in the morning and you have a blank slate.” She sighed and looked up at me. “The truth is, there’s no blueprint for how to raise kids. Each child has different needs, different strengths, and different challenges. I wasn’t the same mom to Wyatt as I was to Trace.” A hint of sadness flashed in her eyes, but as fast as it appeared, it was gone again. “But every day, I woke up and did my best to meet each child where they were with love and acceptance. I honestly think that’s the best any of us can do.”

My lips pulled into a tight grin and I nodded, trying to hold my breakdown at bay. But I could feel the tears coming. I tried to sniff them away, but they started falling down my cheeks.

“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry.” Dolly put her arm around my shoulders. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, you didn’t…it’s just…” I wiped my cheeks and tried to pull myself together. My voice was wobbling as I explained, “It’s just…you didn’t know Addison. She was theperfect mom. Like, literally, perfect. And I’mnot. I’m so far from perfect, it’s not even funny. If it weren’t for Wyatt, I wouldn’t have made it these last few months. I would not have been able to do this alone.” I sucked in a shaky breath as I admitted, “I screweverythingup! I can’t get Mikey to school on time. I forget to put Alice’s leotard in the dryer before ballet. Benji keeps getting a diaper rash no matter what I do. I don’t know how to cook. Mikey got in a fight and put a kid in the hospital. Alice and Mikey both curse. I totally forgot about Benji’s last well-baby checkup. I’m just…”

I lifted my hands in frustration as tears poured down my face and I felt myself starting to hyperventilate.

“I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I’m failing…I’m failing…all of them. Mikey, Alice and Benji. And not just them…I’m failing Addi. My sister trusted me,me,with the things she loved the most in this world and I’m fucking it all up,” I gasped as I cried, “It’s not fair!Sheshould be here, not me. She should be the one going to Mikey’s baseball games and Alice’s recitals. She should be the one hearing Benji’s first word and seeing him take his first step. Not me. It should be her! She should be here, it’s not fair!”

I was full-blown sobbing now and Dolly just pulled me into her arms. She held me as I cried and cried and cried, until I couldn’t cry anymore. When I finally stopped and sat up, Dolly handed me tissues. I had no idea where they’d come from, it was like they just appeared.

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