Page 59 of Keep Breathing

“I don’t know. I guess I have a lot to work out when this is all over, huh?” I hedged, feeling so unsure and a little overwhelmed with everything that was swirling through my head.

“Just think about it, okay? I like having you back in my life. I don’t want to lose you again,” Harris almost begged, and when I turned to him, his eyes were filled with so much pain and worry, it made me want to cry.

“You won’t lose me,” I promised as I took his hand and pressed it between both of mine. “No matter what happens, you guys are stuck with me in your lives now. I owe you everything.”

“You owe us nothing, Evie,” Nick told me firmly.

“And you’re stuck with us too. If you go back to Chicago, you’ll have some very regular visitors coming to check in on you,” Kailan added, the others all nodding in agreement.

I’d like to say that eased my anxieties about leaving them all to go home, but it didn’t. I hated the idea of leaving any of them with every mention of the notion. It was a mess and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to untangle it all and face what I truly wanted. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough. But I wanted to be.

CHAPTER 19

EVIE

Later that night we all sat in the living room, waiting for the call from my family. The guys had offered to go upstairs and give me privacy, but I hadn’t wanted them to. I knew the call would be emotional and I wasn’t sure I had the mental strength to face it alone, so I’d asked them if they would stay, and they’d happily agreed.

We’d had a great time at the park with Zack, the guys running around and pushing him on the swings until he was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open. When we got back he’d napped, then woken up for dinner - pasta cooked by Nick. While the guys cleaned the kitchen I’d finally gotten my hands on the little bundle of energy, playing with him in the living room with his little cars until Nick declared it was bath time. It had been what I needed to relax before this call – some care free toddler time, filled with laughter and smiles.

Now Zack was fast asleep, tucked up in his crib upstairs. Nick had the baby monitor on at his side as he relaxed back in an armchair, dressed casually in the shorts and t-shirt he had changed into after dinner. The other guys had all changed too, all now in shorts or lounge pants. They were all sitting back, exhausted from a crazy day, looking peaceful and settled. I was between Kailan and Aleks on the sectional, also now changed into my comfortable yoga pants and a tank top. Aleks had tucked a blanket over my lap when I shivered a few minutes before. They were so observant, and I hadn’t missed the glances they all sent my way, every now and then as we watched TV and waited, checking on me constantly. Maybe it should irritate me. I had friends I knew it would piss off – being watched so closely like that. But it didn’t. It felt good to know they cared that much about me. It felt good to not be on my own, cowering in some shit hole trying to cling to who I knew I was, while second by second she slipped from me.

When I was with them I felt like she wasn’t slipping away any more. I felt like the person I used to be wasn’t quite so far out of my reach as she had been. They made me feel safe to try and be me again, amongst all of the craziness going on in my head, and I needed that. I needed to find myself – the old and new versions- and from those I needed to learn who I had become after everything. I hadn’t been able to do that alone, but with the guys I was starting to feel maybe I could now.

The cell phone, which sat on the coffee table started to chirp loudly, and I looked to it with excitement and trepidation. I was desperate to speak to my parents, but I worried about what they would think of me and the mess I was.

“You ready for this?” Aleks asked as he leant forward to grab the cell.

“Yeah. Just…I’m gonna end up crying, so brace yourselves,” I laughed dryly.

“Cry as much as you need to, babe. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you,” Nick soothed as he sent me a reassuring smile.

I nodded and took the cell from Aleks, my hand shaking as I hit the button to answer the call. I put it on loudspeaker and placed it back down on the coffee table, my hand shaking too much for me to hold it.

“Hello?” I answered, even my voice trembling a little as I spoke. Kailan grabbed my hand in his as Aleks placed his at the small of my back, where he began rubbing soothing circles.

“Evie? Is that really you, honey?” my mom whimpered.

“It’s really me.” Tears filled my own eyes at the sound of her so upset. It wasn’t something I had seen often in my life. My mom was a tough lady and it took a lot to break her.

“Oh God!” she cried, followed by sobs.

“Mom?” I gasped as I fought not to sob myself.

“She’s okay, sweetheart. She’s just so relieved to hear your voice. We…we both are,” my dad spoke, his own voice wavering at the end.

“I’m okay, you guys. I’m whole and I’m safe. I’m gonna be just fine.” It was a lie, but one that came easily to soothe my parents. They had suffered enough.

“Of course you are. You’re made of tough stuff,” Cole spoke next. He was chuckling, but he didn’t fool me. I could hear the concern under that joke.

“Hey Cole. Is Matt there too?” I asked with a sniffle.

“I’m here, hermanita. Livy too. We’re all just so grateful you’re safe.”

“I knew you’d find a way to come back to us. You’re so strong,” Livy added in a shaky voice.

“Just following the great examples in my life,” I told them all. “Is Xander there too?”

“I’m here. We’re all so proud of you, Evie. You’ve been so strong,” Xander said, making me cry even more.

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