Page 10 of Knot Fit For Love

Wait.

Isn't that the opposite of what I want?

Confusion made Elias gulp, the nausea growing worse as he dropped his gaze to watch the water run past his toes. A deep, long-festering part of him had spent the last four years goading Ian to lose control once and for all, taking all choice away from himself—a man who had way too many options and simultaneously not enough.

Elias was guilty. Sad guilty. Angry guilty. Hopeless guilty. Because he hadn't stopped his omega from acting that way. He couldn't. Not after creating the barren, terrible environment that side of him was locked in.

"You believe you don't deserve it," Ian finished for him, cutting off his musings.

Elias nodded, jaw locked as his shoulders rose to his ears. Those wet shorts hugging Ian's cock made his mouth water. He recognized its enormity, had witnessed it in a similar fashion at the beach, but here his experience of it seemed distinct.

The sexual tension they shared had always been present, but honestly, Elias did that to a lot of alphas. Drew them forward only to snap at them with little teeth and a lot of fucking temper. Ian was the only one who kept coming back.

Over and over, always growing as close as Elias would let him without pushing boundaries. And maybe that'd made Elias addicted to toeing them. Or knocking them down altogether, as having sex today would do.

This was the worst-case scenario.

Elias had to be utterly honest if he was going to stop the pain train before it left the station. Platform zero was better than platform ten, right? He thought back to the stark, blinding worry on Ian's face when he'd slammed into the room.An expression no one could achieve without care, without history.

"I know I don't," Elias exploded, throwing his arms wide and shutting off the water, deafening the room in echoing silence. Ian riveted his attention to Elias' face. As fucking always. But Elias wasn't the sun, he was the moon, or maybe a distant, blown-out star no one could catch up to. "This isn't good for you. You're a caregiver. It's what you do day in and day out, so it's natural for you to want to do it for me too, even when it hurts you. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that."

The words tumbled out faster than he could comprehend them, leaving Elias a blushing mess by the end, eyes tracing the skylight rather than watching his best friend crumble.

"Hah."

That sound made Elias snap to attention. Ian let his arms hang by his sides, tattooed fingers flexing, chin tilted down with soaked hair covering his eyes as he laughed, a smirk stealing across his lips. It made him look dangerous. Another shiver, and more slick, covered Elias' body.

"Is that what you think of me?"

Ian whispered the question, low and serious.

Elias froze up again, closing his eyes and taking a deep, focusing breath. It was cherry blossoms floating in spiced tea. Soothing and wanting and always there. He couldn't bear to lose it.

"You're the best man I know. I-I can't let myself do that. You matter. You—I can't do long term with an alpha. Not when, not after…" Elias trailed off, hating how small his voice sounded. Like he'd been kicked one too many times to get up.

All laughter ceased, both sets of pheromones turning heavy like they'd spoiled. He didn't watch him move, but Elias felt Ian take a step closer, and then another.

"You want to know the genuine answer?" he trailed his fingers up Elias' bare arm, the touch almost nonexistent but electrifying. "You can't do this because you care for me, idiot. Isn't that what you mean by 'you matter'?"

Elias' lower lip trembled as he clenched his slick thighs together and turned his head away. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

One more step. A forearm pressed into the wall beside his head and a hot palm against his cheek. It was calming but Elias didn't turn to look at Ian and the alpha didn't force him to. He just kept talking, saying whatever he thought would make Elias drop his guard.

"You're scared, I realize that."

Elias didn't want to hear it.

"No."

Ian surged ahead. "The people of your past were disgusting."

He didn't want to acknowledge it.

"They did awful, terrible things to you and—"

Elias stiffened, his breathing speeding up at the mention of awful, terrible things. That was an understatement. Flashbacks of raking claws down his spine and bites deep into the flesh of his inner thighs assaulted him. He took a wobbling breath, the pounding beat of his heart drowning out everything else Ian could've said as Elias stared through the towel rack, eyes never blinking.

It'd been six years since then.

---