Page 86 of Release Me

“I don’t want to be the one to tell you how Sebastian feels about you, Nadia,” she says with a frown. “But if he hasn’t said it to you, he’s definitely shown you.”

There’s that panic again. Those ice cold fingers of anxiety wrapping around my throat and squeezing until my breathing becomes labored.

Zoe comes around the desk and grips my shoulder. “Nadia, are you okay?”

My chest hurts, and my head is spinning with thoughts and questions that are all over the place, ranging from wondering when it got so hot in my office to why Zoe insinuating that her brother is in love with me has triggered the first full blown panic attack I’ve had in months.

I can’t answer her. I can’t say anything, all I can do is grab at my chest while my breathing grows increasingly labored. Zoe’s eyes go wide and she starts to back away from me. I don’t know when she leaves the office or how long she’s gone, but when she comes back Sebastian is with her. He’s in front of me in seconds, his hands on my face and then moving to my arms. He takes my hands in his, linking our fingers together.

“Look at me, precious,” he orders, his voice gentle and harsh all at the same time. My eyes snap to his. “Good girl, now focus on my face, focus on me, and breathe. Nice and slow through your nose. I’ll count, okay? Listen to me count.”

I squeeze his fingers and nod, letting him know that I hear him, that I’m listening. It’s not much, but it’s enough to get him to the start the box breathing technique I taught him a few weeks ago when he asked me how I dealt with my anxiety.

He counts from one to four, his voice low and even, a melody in my ears that tells me when to start each breath and when to end it. I don’t know how long we stay like that, Sebastian counting and me breathing, but when it’s over, and I’m calm enough, Zoe is gone and the office is quiet.

Sebastian disentangles his fingers from mine, bringing one of his hands up my jaw, cradling my face with a gentleness that brings tears to my eyes, that makes me wonder why the thought of this man loving me scares me so badly.

“What happened?” he asks.

“Nothing, I just?—”

“Nadia.” He shakes his head, disapproval pulling his lips down into a flat line. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me what’s wrong, so I can fix it.”

My heart shatters into a million pieces because I know that no matter how much he might want to, Sebastian can’t fix me.

I clear my throat, hoping the momentary delay will give me courage. “Zoe and I were talking, and she…she said something about you being in love with me.”

Sebastian’s hand drops into my lap, and there’s no denying the hurt turning his eyes into storm clouds. He pushes to his feet, and I reach for him, but I’m not fast enough to catch him. Thankfully, he doesn’t go far, taking a seat on the edge of my desk.

“And the thought of me loving you scared you so badly that you had a panic attack?”

He’s not trying to be hurtful, but the question still sends pain shooting through my chest. It seems to match the wound I’ve given him, the one I’ve allowed to fester because of my fear.

“No, Sebastian, it’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like, Nadia?”

I can’t stay seated any longer, so I stand and push my chair under the desk to give me room to pace. The movement is necessary, it helps me think, helps me explain things to him that even I don’t fully understand.

“It’s like when you look at me, you see me. You see me so clearly, more clearly than I’ve seen myself in years.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“No! Yes.” I scrub a hand down my face. “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, it’s just you look at me and see this woman who’s strong and capable?—”

He crosses his arms. “Because that’s who you are.”

“Except it’s not, Sebastian!” My voice cracks. “You fell in love with a version of me that doesn’t exist. I’m not strong, I’m not capable, I’m not whole.” I gesture at my chest, at the invisible hole in the center of my body that refuses to close.

“Nadia, you are?—”

“Broken, Sebastian. I’m broken. I’m always going to be broken. That’s why the thought of you loving me scares me because you don’t know, you don’t see…”

The ugliness. The scars. The bruises, cuts and broken bones.

Sebastian stands, and when I think he’s going to go, that he’s finally realized that I’m a lost cause, he comes closer, he pulls me in and puts his fingers under my chin, forcing me to look at him.

“I see you, Nadia. I see the woman in front of me, and I love her.” Tears gather in my eyes and skate down my cheeks. He wipes them away and continues. “I see the hurt and traumatized woman lurking in the shadows of your eyes, and I love her. I see the woman I’ll build a future with, and I love her. I see my wife, the mother of my kids, the partner I’ll trust with everything and deprive of nothing, and I love her. I love you. I know everything there is to know about you, and what I don’t know I’ll learn. You don’t have to run from me, Nadia, and you don’t have to be scared. I don’t just want the polished, perfect version of you. I want the broken one too. I want every version of you because every version of you belongs with me.”

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