Page 35 of Turn

I had a tough time keeping my cool as I pointed an angry finger. “Listen you little prick, I’m the one who’s here now. The only one. If you think it was my dream to live in a shithole like this while playing warden to a couple of kids with no fucking life of my own at the age of twenty two then you’ve got another thing coming, asshole!”

I instantly hated myself for saying the words. I’d always taken extreme care not to do or say anything that would make my brothers think they were a burden. They weren’t a burden. I didn’t want to be doing anything else but taking care of them.

There was a squeak at my back and I turned to see Brecken’s face peering around the open door.

“Can I come in now?” he asked.

“Sure, come on in, kid,” Tristan said in a loud, sarcastic voice. “Our big brother was just telling me how he’d rather be living it up without us clinging to him.”

I shook my head. “I didn’t say that, Tristan.”

Tristan had grabbed a frayed black backpack and was furiously packing. “Yeah, you kind of did.”

“That’s not what I meant!” In spite of my efforts to keep calm I was shouting. “Fuck, I’m doing the best I can.”

He shook his head with disgust and kept packing. It didn’t take long. I had a sudden flashback to the day my father was killed. There were a ton of cops at the house and my mother kept screaming, “He just went to get cigarettes!” Brecken, little more than a toddler, was content to sit in a corner of my room with some toys while I turned on some music to drown out the noise. But Tristan was seven and fully aware of what was going on. He looked at me with tearful brown eyes and sniffed, “What’ll happen to us?” I wrapped my arm around him, ignoring the crushing grief in my own chest so that I could put on a brave face for my little brother. I told him, “I’ll take care of you.”

And then I hadn’t. Not for a long time. But I was here now. I wasn’t going to let them down this time.

Tristan shouldered his backpack and faced me. “Get out of the way, Curtis.”

“Get out of the way? And where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“Told you,” he said with narrowed eyes. “I’ve got options.”

I swallowed. I could easily pin him down and prevent him from walking out that door. That wasn’t a long-term solution though. I couldn’t force him to stay, couldn’t make him understand the dangers of the streets. I’d seen people get maimed, imprisoned, killed. I’d seen them fall under the spell of their addictions and become a mere broken shell of whoever they had been before.

And yet I knew there weren’t enough words in any language that would make a difference to an angry kid with something to prove to the world.

I only had one card left to play.

“Don’t go,” I said in a hoarse voice. “Please don’t go.”

Tristan didn’t even blink. “Move.”

“Tristan.”

“Fuck you. Move.”

I moved. There was no other choice.

Brecken was there, right at my side, looking from one of us to the other. In a small voice full of fear he said, “Tristan?”

Even that made no difference. Tristan only paused long enough to give Brecken a quick hug before leaving the room with all his worldly possessions stuffed into a single backpack.

For a full minute Brecken and I just stood there and stared at the closed door. I looked down and saw that there was a paper bag in my hand. Before we’d left Burger Heaven I’d bought a few burgers for Tristan. I’d forgotten to give them to him. That suddenly seemed important and awful, that I hadn’t remembered to provide him with one last meal.

Brecken was watching me, his worried face searching for answers. It was too bad I was the only around because I had none to give. I tossed the bag of burgers in the trash and squeezed my little brother’s shoulder.

“He’ll be back,” I promised.

Maybe that was true. Maybe once Tristan got a real taste of how ugly the world was out there he’d find his way back to us before any permanent damage was done.

“You sure?” Brecken asked with hope in his voice.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

And then I smiled at him with a confidence I didn’t feel.

He smiled back because he couldn’t see through my smile.

He didn’t know how much I doubted my own words, that I had no idea when we’d see our brother again.

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