Page 25 of The Roses I Left Behind (The Bellevue Trilogy)

I walked to the window and looked out at the dull sky. “There’s a path I must walk on as well,” I said. “I’m going to New York.”

“For how long?”

I paused. “Two months, maybe three. There’s someone there I have to find.”

“I see.”

“And I’ll need your help more than ever during this time.”

I turned to Lizzie and studied her face. She remained quiet, her dark eyes intent. I marveled over how little she had changed, at least physically. She was around her late fifties, but her dark skin was still smooth, her body still lean and strong.

“But I didn’t just come here to talk about my travel plans,” I said slowly. “I think it’s important you know why I’m going.”

She returned to her cleaning. “Your reasons have nothing to do with me,” she said in forced clips. “When you leave and when you return is really all I need to know.”

I took her gently by the arms. “I’m going there to find Jeyne.”

Lizzie stumbled back and I ran to catch her fall. She braced herself against me and I could tell that she was having difficulty breathing. When she was able to meet my gaze, it was one of complete disbelief.

“Yes, it’s true, Lizzie,” I said, as the look of shock registered on her face. “A few weeks ago, mother was going through some of father’s things and she found old letters...letters Jeyne had written to me after I left Bellevue. With the exception of the first letter, none of them had been opened. Why my father kept them after all these years is a mystery. Maybe he was intent on keeping us apart. Maybe he still felt guilt about selling her, who knows? All I know is...I’ve read every last word from each of her letters, and I’ve come to believe that she is still very much alive living in New York. After she left Bellevue, she was taken to Tennessee and from there she escaped to the North. I had Haydon write to our abolitionist friends, even Frederick Douglass, and they say the only way for me to truly know her whereabouts is to travel there and make inquiries in person.”

It was deathly quiet in the room as I waited for Lizzie to respond. There were probably a million questions in her mind but she was not revealing them to me.

“Haydon will come here to look after things while I’m gone,” I continued. “I have no special instructions for you except to continue our work, if you can, and look after Mother while I’m gone. She seems well now, but I still worry about her. All I ask is for your blessing.”

Lizzie’s gaze burned through me. “I don’t know whether I should feel joy or pity,” she said in a voice I hardly recognized. “Firstly, Jeyne didn’tleaveBellevue, she was sold by your father. And although I’m happy to hear you found her letters, that doesn’t mean you’ll find her. You were in Boston for years and tried but nothing came of it. What makes now any different?”

I was stunned by her reaction. “There’s hope, Lizzie.”

“Is there?” She was on the verge of tears.

“Yes. That’s why I never gave up finding her. I love her.”

“Then leave her be.”

“I can’t.”

“You should. She doesn’t need you interrupting her life.”

“That’s not my intention.”

“Then what is?” she challenged, driving her anger deep into my heart. “What are you going to do once you find her? Bring her back here to live in misery?”

“I don’t have all the answers, Lizzie,” I said to her. “The important thing is that I find her. I want...I want to make everything right again.”

“Ain’ nothin’ ever gon’ be right again,” she said bitterly.

“Don’t you want to see her again? You can even come with me if you desire.”

She came at me, venom in her eyes. “How dare you ask me that question! There ain’t a day go by I don’t think of her. If it wasn’t for your mother, I’d be dead by now. And it don’t get no better. And you know why? Because every time I see your face I’m reminded why my child was sold. While you slept, I was out there begging Keegan not to take her...holding onto her for dear life. Watching him take my baby...my only child...right in front of me...putting chains on her like she was some kind of animal. But you wouldn’t understand that, would you? Have a child of your own before you ask me that question. ‘Til then, you’d do your best to keep quiet.”

The resentment Lizzie had been holding in her heart all these years was deep and unmistakable. Pain shot through my heart as I watched the tears stream heavily down her face.

“Despite what you may think, our suffering is, indeed, in equal measure,” I responded.

“But you have a life now. What does she have?”

“Freedom.”

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