Page 17 of The Roses I Left Behind (The Bellevue Trilogy)

Dear Cousin,

It gave Father and me great pleasure to hear from you! Father sends his love and with all my heart, please send Aunt Mary mine. We miss you terribly. It seems like only yesterday since you left. The time has passed so quickly. But I won’t bore you with my sentiments as you must be anxious to hear what I have learned. When I wrote to Mr. Douglass, I had no expectation that I would hear from him anytime soon. His status has him constantly on the go, but I was willing to travel the miles to see him no matter what it took. To my surprise, he replied and said that he would visit us in Boston on his way to Maine to see Ms. Stowe. To say we were excited is an understatement! We made no mention of his visit to anyone. It was sure to be a mad house if we had. While here, we discussed your issue in detail. Time was limited, but he was kind and gracious and formidable as ever. (He remembers you and sends his kindest regards!) Mr. Douglass offered what assistance he knew with the caveat that we may have to wait many weeks before a response from New York could be obtained. The network in that city, as you know, is vast and deep. He put me in contact with Mr. Lucius Brown, a very well-known and influential man in the Negro community there. He is also a former slave. After his departure, a response from Mr. Brown did arrive. He could not completely verify that a former slave by the name of ‘Jeyne’ or Mary Ann Johnson, as she now calls herself, exists. But he said that he would continue to make inquiries based on the information you provided. Short of traveling to New York yourself, the best I can say, dear cousin, is to write to this man directly. I have a feeling that something positive will surely surface. I know it has been hard for you these past two years. However, you are a man of extreme fortitude and will prevail despite the challenges.

Faithfully yours,

Haydon

St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana

April 17, 1857

Dear Cousin,

I am sitting here in awe and utter envy to learn that Mr. Douglass was with you! Oh, how I wish I could have been there. I’m sure the few moments you had with him were momentous indeed. I remember my time with him with complete fondness and the memory only serves to deepen my longing for the work. I will write to Mr. Douglass in rapid speed and thank him personally for his time. As for you, dear cousin, I cannot begin to express my love appreciation for you enough. Your heartfelt and sincere inquiries on my behalf will be forever remembered and your words of encouragement serve as confirmation as to what I must do. After much thought, I’ve come to the realization that I have no choice but to go to New York myself. My soul needs peace and the only way to obtain some semblance of it is to try and find Jeyne. When I am ready to embark on the journey north, I will need assistance, dear Cousin. This is a difficult request, but I can think of no one else to trust with such a task. Is it possible that you can come to Bellevue and oversee it in my stead? I would only require your presence for three, perhaps four months. This, I believe, would provide me the time I need to gain significant headway. I know how much you abhor the South, perhaps as much as I do, but it would mean the world to me. I will not lie to you. The daily management of Bellevue can harden the steeliest of hearts, but you are surrounded by strong and capable men, albeit slaves in the eyes of the law. With that reality, it would also be necessary to have a male member of the family to act as head of the household in my absence, and to attend to whatever urgent needs the family may require, particularly Mother who suffers from frequent colds. A familiar face such as yours would be a much-needed comfort to her. If you will come, I would leave immediately upon your arrival. However, if I find myself needing to stay in New York longer, I would inform you immediately. I know that making the trip from Boston to Louisiana will be a major journey for you and I would not ask this of you if I could help it. I am unable to still my heart any other way. Please give Uncle David my love.

Faithfully yours,

Thomas

I knew Haydon well enough to know how he felt about the South. He made no secret about his aversion to life down here, and anything that took him away from the Movement. Yet, my cousin was also a kind and compassionate man, even self-sacrificing to those he loved. The bond we shared was close. We had become men together. Granted, there were the occasional disagreements, but the similarity of our characters carried us through and absorbed what remained of our egos. We had a great deal of respect for one another, a respect that grew with each passing year. Our uncanny ability to know each other’s thoughts at any given moment was strong, making our interactions with one another fluid and natural.

As I sat thinking of Haydon, I realized what coming to Louisiana would mean to his life? Was I being selfish? Was I taking too much for granted? I thought deeper on this question and realized that if I were to put all my demons to rest, I had no choice but to go to New York. How long could I continue to ignore the pain? Still, even if Haydon agreed to come to Louisiana, how could I possibly leave Mother? She was ill and needed me. I also began to think about Elizabeth and what her reaction would be to my leaving. There would be a confrontation and an incredibly vicious one at that. She would, no doubt, dare me to leave, heaping every ounce of guilt imaginable upon my head.

A week later, I received a letter from Jeb and the timing couldn’t be anymore apropos. Jeb’s correspondence, like all his other letters, was short and to the point. Any wishes I had would be granted, he assured me, “and any refusal to stay with Jenny and me if you decide to come to New York would be nothing less than insult.”

Jeb was my brother and I resolved to take him up on his offer. Being in his presence would only make the quest to find Jeyne that much easier.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Boston, Massachusetts

May 20, 1857

Dear Cousin,

I know you must be anxious to know my decision regarding your request and I will address the issue directly. I don’t have to remind you what volatile times we are living, perhaps the most volatile of our lives. The extremists in the north and south have done little to quell the fears of the people. The uncertainty alone is enough to compel even the most adventurous man to remain at home. But enough about politics, for now. I understand your feelings, dear cousin! We shared the same house for many years and I learned over time what moves your heart. In reading your letter a second time, I know this is a matter that you can only handle yourself. You are determined to find Jeyne and I trust you will. I want to help you in that quest which is why I have decided to come to Bellevue to assist you while you are away. I want to help you the same way you have helped me so many times in the past. I will not go on and on about the inconveniences I will face, that is no matter to me. Yes, the movement needs me now more than ever, but I will let go of those responsibilities here, temporarily at least, and go where I am needed the most. Initially, I had concerns about leaving father as you can imagine, but he is a tough man and scolded me for my over-protectiveness. My concern at this time is the obvious future of our country and what this means for our safety as station masters. In all of this, I am eager to see Aunt Mary again. It is sure to be a warm reunion. So, unless there are unforeseen circumstances, please expect to see me. I only await your reply for a reasonable time frame so that I may begin my travel preparations. And I will add this, my dear cousin, love is the source of great happiness, but it can also be the source of incredible heartbreak. Do not be disappointed if you are unable to find what you are looking for. Love has a way of blinding us to reality. Then again, if Ariana’s soul were to return to me, I would run a thousand miles to be near her, wherever she was.

Your ever faithful cousin,

Haydon

After reading Haydon’s letter, I could feel myself swelling with gratitude. Clearly, his decision to help me had been made purely out of love and concern. And I knew if Haydon could overcome his doubts then surely there was no reason why I could not overcome mine.

I sat in the corner of the den with a glass of bourbon in my hand, content in my aloneness and began to plan my next moves. I had been alone for most of the day, even refusing to join Elizabeth and mother for dinner. Tomorrow, I would tell mother my decision. I stayed awake most of the night playing out the imaginary scene in my mind, but in the end, I knew what I was doing was right. As for Elizabeth, nothing short of delicacy would be required.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

As I sat with my mother in her private sitting room and told her of my decision to go to New York, a look of deep sadness crossed her face and she wept quietly. I couldn’t help but feel the sharp edge of guilt overtake me. The room went still and there were several minutes before a word was spoken. The moment was too delicate for words.

“There are many things to consider in terms of Bellevue,” I said to her. “But in my heart I have to do this.”

She took my hand. “I understand,” she said, her voice firmer than I had heard it in quite some time. “My dear son, who am I to tell you differently? Most of us can only imagine such love. My mistake in all of this is that I underestimated your feelings. It’s clear you still love her.”

“It’s more than that, Mother,” I said. “I can’t explain it all, but Jeyne is a part of me. She always has been. I realize that now. But I’m not just doing this for myself. There’s Lizzie to consider. She won’t say it, but she’s still suffering. And she still blames me. I see it in her face, even now.”

Mother squeezed my hand. “No, she doesn’t blame you,” she said reassuringly. “Not completely. She’s still in mourning. That day was tragic for all of us, but none so as it was for her. A mother should never be separated from her child, no matter the circumstances. But in this world of ours, slaves are bought and sold like cattle.”

“And this is exactly why I must go,” I said to her. “Even if you had never found those letters, the questions about Jeyne’s whereabouts would have still lingered. It haunted me when I left Bellevue the first time and it still does.”

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