Page 56 of In Too Deep

Catelyn

The doors close behind me, and I take in several deep, greedy breaths, trying to keep my tears at bay before swallowing the aspirin my mother gave me. My head continues to pound as I hurry over to the bench and take a seat, the warm summer air a reprieve from the bone chilling cold inside. Everything was a blur as I made my way into the funeral home, my hand squeezing Spencer’s tightly as my anxiety soared. As if my own swirling emotions weren’t bad enough, I could instantly feel everyone else’s seeping in. Today is going to be much harder than I expected.

By the time Spencer and I took a seat next to my parents, I was already crawling out of my skin. Then my mother mentioned seeing Lawrence, and a full-blown panic set in. Saying my final goodbye to Dave would be hard enough on its own, but facing it knowing my life is on the verge of imploding is too much.

The heavy metal doors squeak as they open, quickly followed by a loud thud as they close again. When I hear the footsteps of someone approaching, I know it’s him without even looking.

“You shouldn’t have followed me out here.”

My entire body buzzes with nervous energy as he takes a seat next to me, but I keep my gaze forward in fear I might crumble if I look into his beautiful eyes. I haven’t contacted Lawrence since I showed up at his home a complete wreck. I’d gone there to end whatever’s happening between us once and for all, to tell him I was going to accept Spencer’s proposal, but in the end, I couldn’t do it. I left him believing we still have a chance. I didn’t even have the balls to tell him Spencer is going to propose. I just couldn’t, not with all his talk of wanting to be there for me and throwing the L word around.

“You were visibly upset. There’s no way I wasn’t going to check on you.”

I sigh, relaxing into the wooden bench. “I thought I could handle today after surviving Sunday. But then we pulled up and the memory of the last time I’d been at this funeral home came flooding back.” Five years ago, when Dave’s sister, Pat, passed away, I came to the funeral to support Caroline and her family. It had been a couple years since I’d seen any of them, but they all treated me as if no time had passed.

“Dave stood right there,” I tell him, pointing to where my eyes have been glued the past two minutes, “and introduced me to his friends and family members. Told them how I’d been like a daughter to him, talked about how he was so proud of the woman I’d become.” My throat swells, and tears begin to stream down my face. My mind barely registers Lawrence’s arm wrapping around my shoulders. “It felt so good hearing him say those things, I was walking on cloud nine after that. Now, he’s gone, and I just feel so guilty.”

Lawrence offers me his handkerchief as I hiccup a sob, and pulls me in closer, kissing the side of my head as I use it to dry my eyes. Once I’m done, I reluctantly turn to meet his gaze, my stomach fluttering as the reality of his closeness hits me.

“What on earth do you have to feel guilty about?”

“Not being around more. He was my family, they all are, and I should’ve been there for them.”

He shakes his head and reaches out to brush away a stray tear. “Your desire to take care of everyone around you is admirable and enduring, but it’s not realistic. There wasn’t anything you could do, and from what I understand, you’ve had a lot on your own plate the past couple years. Dave knew how much you cared about him. He told you himself how proud he was of you.”

He places a kiss on my forehead this time, and I find myself wishing his lips would connect with mine. His eyebrows bunch in confusion as I pull out of his embrace and scoot away from him.

“And what do you think he would say about this?” I gesture between us. “About what I did the other night?”

He sighs, his jaw ticking. “He would want you to be happy.”

“Even at the expense of others?” I huff, coming to my feet.

He stands, invading my space. His fiery gaze flickers between my eyes and mouth, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

He draws in an agitated breath, his nostrils flaring. “I’m never going to regret or feel bad about what happened between us. Maybe it wasn’t under the best circumstances, but that doesn’t make it wrong. I love you. I always have.”

I blink away the tears threatening to spill from my eyes, my lungs burning from the lack of air. His hands land on my hips, his intention to kiss me clear. I know I should back away, but I’m frozen, my desire for him becoming the only thing that matters. It’s the sound of the double doors that snaps me out of my haze, Lawrence and I jumping apart.

“I need to get back inside.” I attempt to step around him, but he blocks my path.

“Back to Spencer you mean?” His harsh tone causes me to narrow my eyes at him, and his features soften as he sighs. “Why did you bring him here today?”

“He’s my boyfriend, a fact you were well aware of beforehand.”

His face contorts as if in physical pain, and my chest tightens with guilt. “And me, what am I to you?”

“Please,” I plead. “I can’t do this with you. Not here. Not right now.”

He moves aside, letting me pass, only to step up beside me as I enter the viewing room. I eye him cautiously out the corner of my eye as he leans in and whispers in my ear. “I’m the one you’re in love with.”

My back stiffens as he pulls back, a smirk on his face as he walks away. God help me, he’s right. But that doesn’t mean he’s the one I should choose.

34

Lawrence

My stare roams to the middle of the room where Spencer is sitting with Cat’s parents, and I’m startled to find him watching me. His eyes feel probing, immediately putting me on the defense, my own narrowing to hide my panic before I quickly divert my gaze.

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