Page 68 of In Too Deep

“Then the question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to let your guilt and fear keep you from what you really want?”

It’s a fair question, one I shouldn’t ponder for long.

I may already be too late.

42

Catelyn

The next night, as I’m getting ready to settle in with my good friend Netflix, my conversation with Julianna replays in my mind. Just as it has all day. I don’t want to let my guilt and fear stand in my way anymore, but I’m not entirely sure how to move past it. Even though I’m not certain I have anything to feel guilty about anymore.

Sleeping with Lawrence while I was with Spencer was wrong, but where would we be if Lawrence hadn’t come back into my life? Spencer would still have feelings for Lori, and our relationship would still be over. It wasn’t solely my actions that brought us here. Spencer seemed shocked by my betrayal, but not really hurt. If anything, he was probably a little relieved.

My fear, however, is a harder monster to conquer. I’m afraid of what my parents are going to say when they find out my relationship with Spencer is over. They adore him, and I’ll be mortified if they find out what I did. But, deep down, I know my parents will always support me. No matter what. This is nothing more than an excuse. What I’m really terrified of is having my heart broken by Lawrence again.

I’ve thought a lot about my past with him since he snuck back into my present, the memories of the times I’d shot him down haunting me. I held back because of Caroline and Robbie, because of my insecurities and fear of what would happen to our friendship if we took that final plunge. It was always me keeping us apart, and I think that’s why it came as such a surprise when he disappeared. Lawrence had been a constant in my life for years, and I think maybe I began to take that for granted, expecting him to go all in while I continued to play it safe.

He told me he decided to let me go after he moved away because he didn’t feel it was fair to ask me to wait when he might never return. But I think maybe he did it to protect himself, that he was afraid I would break his heart. And perhaps he was justified in that fear given my track record.

Now, here we are, all these years later, and he’s still the one taking leaps of faith while I stand on the ledge paralyzed. Even after everything, he’s still waiting for me to take that jump.

“What the hell are you doing?” I scold myself, throwing my feet over the side of the bed as I reach for my phone.

My heart races as I pull up Lawrence’s number, my hands sweaty and shaky as I hit send and put the phone up to my ear. When it goes straight to voicemail, panic settles in my chest, my anxiety whispering in my ear that he declined my call. I ignore it and hit send again with the same result, pacing the floor as I google his business in search of the number.

By the time I locate it and hit call, my breathing is erratic. A woman answers the phone, and my mind goes blank. My mouth opens, but no words come out.

“Hello?” the woman repeats.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat. “Yes…is Lawrence available?”

“Lawrence has already gone home for the evening. Can I ask who’s calling?” The cautious curiosity in the woman’s tone seems odd, until I remember Lawrence told me his mother helps manage the business.

Dread knots in my gut, and I consider hanging up without answering. Athena has never been my biggest fan, but hanging up on her definitely won’t help. “Could you tell him Cat called? I tried his cellphone, but it’s going straight to voicemail.”

“Yep. He’s been working himself to death. He probably forgot to charge it.” Her words are terse, her voice much colder than it had been a moment ago, but I’m relieved to hear he’s not purposely avoiding my calls.

“Okay, thank yo—”

“Why are you calling?” Athena demands, cutting me off before I can end the call.

My footsteps stop, my head swimming as I struggle to take in air. “What?”

“Why. Are. You. Calling. My. Son?”

Her harsh tone causes my body to tense, and I stumble over my response. “I… uh…well, I wanted…”

She groans, and I stop my feeble attempt to answer her question. “My boy was sweet on you the second he laid eyes on you. I told him you were trouble, but he either wouldn’t hear me or decided you were worth it.” My eyes go wide at her admission, and I remain speechless as I take a seat on the edge of my bed. “Either way, he’s never taken to anyone else the way he did you. I haven’t seen him happy, truly happy, in years. Not until a couple weeks ago, and I’m guessing that had something to do with you. I may not have trusted you, but I believed you loved him once. So, I’m asking you, is this call going to make him happy or sad? Do you still love him?”

“I never stopped,” I answer honestly.

She lets out what sounds to be a sigh of relief, and I feel my body begin to relax. “Good. Then don’t wait. You should go tell him that in person. Now.”

43

Lawrence

My body is tired, and I’m eager for a hot shower and meal by the time I walk through my front door. For the past week, I’ve been working from sunup to sundown, trying to keep my mind off Cat. If I allowed myself too much time to sit around thinking, I would’ve tried to contact her.

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