Page 67 of In Too Deep

It's been nearly a week since I showed up at Lori’s door and spewed all those hateful words. I’ve thought about calling to apologize a thousand times, to beg for her forgiveness, but I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior, my pride keeping me from moving forward. No doubt Julianna has heard about what happened by now, and she’s asked me here in hopes she can help mend fences.

She gives me a warm smile as I step up to the booth, curiosity etched on her face as she watches me scoot in.

“Hi,” I offer, my eyebrows raising as my back flattens against the seat.

“I took the liberty of ordering us some cheese fries, but I didn’t know what you’d want to drink.”

As if on cue, the waitress steps up to the table asking me for my drink order, and I order my favorite frozen concoction with three different types of liquor. I find it odd when Julianna sticks with water. She isn’t a big drinker, but she normally has a glass of beer or wine with dinner. She doesn’t give me a chance to ask her about it though.

“Okay, tell me what’s going on between you and Lori.”

“Why?” My stomach flutters, and I avert my eyes to the table, fidgeting with the wrapped silverware in front of me. “What did she say?”

She clears her throat as I lift my eyes, shifting in her seat as she tucks her hair behind her ears. “Well…I told her I wanted to plan a girl’s night for all of us to get together, and she said it wasn’t a good time because you weren’t speaking to her. Though, she wouldn’t tell me why.”

My face heats with shame as I pull on the ends of my plaid shirt. “Things are just…a little strained between us at the moment.”

She nods, her gaze holding more of an understanding than I deserve. “Is this about Spencer? Lizzy told me the two of you split up.”

My chest tightens with dread knowing I need to tell Julianna what I’d done. I’m grateful when the waitress arrives and places my drink and our cheese fries on the table, telling us she’ll be back shortly to take our order.

Julianna watches me expectantly once we’re alone again. She fills her plate with fries as I take several sips of my drink. By the time I come up for air, the alcohol is already streaming through my veins. I take a deep breath, calming my racing heart. “Did Lori tell you she was involved with Spencer before we met?”

Though I tried to hide it, my disappointment seeps into my tone. There’ve been so many lies and secrets. I hate it.

A flicker of guilt crosses over her face as she nods. “She told me they’d met but hadn’t slept together, that Spencer refused to do so unless she agreed to go on a proper date with him. You know how much the possibility of anything real scares Lori, so she cut him out of her life. Until you brought him back in.”

My lips press into a hard line as I sigh. It all corroborates with what Spencer told me, though it still doesn’t explain why Lori kept it from me. I know she likes to keep things close to the vest, but I’m her best friend. You’d think she would’ve told me about this white knight she met. If she had, I never would’ve dated him in the first place.

“Why didn’t she tell me any of this herself? Didn’t she realize how much it would hurt me once I found out, knowing she kept it from me?”

Julianna shrugs a shoulder as her mouth twists to the side. “I know they weren’t purposely trying to hurt you by keeping it a secret. She said Spencer wanted to tell you from the beginning, but you seemed so happy, Lori didn’t want to do anything that would mess that up for you. She stayed quiet, even though seeing you with him was hard on her.”

My heart sinks. She put my happiness above her own, and I’d been so cruel to her in return. It kills me to think Lori had to watch me with Spencer for months all while having feelings for him.

“Do you think she’s in love with him?”

Her head tilts as she considers my question. “I think that’s something you should talk to Lori about, but…I will say her relationship with Spencer is the closest she’s come to letting someone in her heart.”

Not knowing how to respond to that, I reach for the cheese fries and stuff several in my mouth, piling more on my plate. In between bites, I steer the conversation to her, asking about her honeymoon and how married life is going. Julianna practically glows as she talks about Eric. But by the time the waitress leaves with our food order, the table has gone quiet, and I decide it’s time to face the music.

“Lori told you I cheated on Spencer, didn’t she?”

“Yeah…sorry.” Julianna gives me an apologetic, toothy smile. “You know my sister is only good at keeping her own secrets. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Sighing, my eyes fall to my drink, watching as I twirl it around with my straw. “I feel like anything I say will only come across as me making excuses for my shit behavior.”

“Well, I promise I’m not judging you. You can talk openly with me.”

“I’m so confused,” I admit, meeting her gaze again as I sit back and rub my clammy hands down my jeans. “Lawrence ruined me for love. Not by breaking my heart, by setting an impossible standard. His presence always sets my soul on fire, bringing it to life in a way no one else ever has. I’ve spent all these years comparing every guy I dated to him, none of them measuring up, not one of them making me feel the way Lawrence does. When I saw him again for the first time in so long, I believed that flame had flickered out, but it burned as bright as it always had. I tried to ignore it, I tried to do the right thing, but my heart and head wanted two different things. My heart won the war.”

She nods, her brow creasing. “I understand that a lot more than you realize. My heart has belonged to Eric since we were teenagers, even after I married another man. So many nights, I dreamed of Eric. I remember one where he was holding me, his hand gently stroking my back. It felt so real, it haunted me for days. I know now it was my heart crying out for him. If Eric hadn’t been hundreds of miles away, it’s very likely I would’ve cheated on Chris.”

“Yeah…but…” I roll my eyes, waving off her attempt to make me feel better about my behavior, “that bastard would’ve deserved it.”

She chuckles, shaking her head. “That’s not the point. I’m saying whether your actions were right or wrong is all formality at this point. It’s done, and I believe it happened for a reason. You and Spencer don’t belong together. It seems pretty clear you still love Lawrence.”

“I do.” My quick response surprises me, and my stomach flutters as Julianna smirks at me.

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