Page 62 of In Too Deep

“I don’t remember exactly…something about not feeling the same, that it was too late. Then I kissed him.”

Her eyes widen as she nods. “Okay. It isn’t great that you kissed someone else, but it’s not that bad. I’m sure if—”

“There’s more,” I say, cutting off her thought. She blows out a breath and gestures for me to continue. “He showed up here the next day, talking about how he wanted to be a part of my life again, how he couldn’t just let me walk away. And I ended up sleeping with him.” She stares at me unblinking as she crosses her arms, her silence heightening my insecurities. “Tell me what you’re thinking. You can be honest. It can’t be any worse than how I feel about myself.”

“I’m not judging you or thinking anything bad about you. It’s just taking me a minute to process everything. I thought you loved Spencer.”

My throat swells as I nod. “I do. It was a mistake.”

“Was it, though? Look…you know I adore Spencer. But maybe this happened for a reason. This is so outside of the lines for you. I’m wondering if it was your subconscious trying to tell you something. You and Lawrence obviously still have strong feelings for each other. Are you sure your heart lies with Spencer?”

That’s a question I haven’t been brave enough to ask myself, mostly because I already know the answer.

“I love him,” I reiterate, avoiding the real question. “I’m going to do my best to make this right by telling Spencer what happened, and if he’ll still have me, I’m going to marry him.”

“Marry? How did you? Shit…” She slaps her palm to her forehead, sucking in a breath through her teeth. “I gave it away the other day, didn’t I?” Guilt passes over her face as my lips twist. “I can’t keep a secret to save my life. I tried to tell him that.” We laugh, but it quickly dies out as her expression goes serious. “I’ll support you no matter what you decide. I hope you know that.”

“I do. Thank you.”

“Just promise me you’ll follow your heart and not your head. It wouldn’t be fair to you or Spencer for you to stay with him out of guilt or because you feel like it’s the right choice. Don’t count out anything as a possibility, if it’s what you want, if it’s what will make you happy. Take it from someone who let fear get in the way of life and love, it’s not worth it.”

38

Catelyn

It’s so quiet, I swear I hear the candlelight as it flickers. After a week of wallowing and avoiding Spencer, I finally agreed to have dinner with him. But things are off between us, and it’s not just on my end. He’s been quiet and distant, his mind seemingly somewhere else entirely. I was sure tonight would be the night he was going to propose. And instead of feeling ecstatic, there’s only dread.

His odd behavior is almost a relief. I’m not sure if it’s nerves or second thoughts, but anything that gives me more time is all right with me. He needs to know about Lawrence before he gives me a ring, and I’m not ready to confess my sins yet. I can’t even think about Lawrence without breaking out in a sweat or bursting into tears.

“Dinner was perfect,” I say, breaking the silence as I set my fork down on my nearly empty plate. To be honest, it was a little burned, but I’m overcompensating because of my guilt. “Thank you.”

“I’m just glad you’re feeling better.” His tone is flat, his words full of accusation.

My chest tightens, but I give him a weak smile as he stands to clear the table. He knows something isn’t right. I need to tell him now. It’s best to rip the Band-Aid off and get it over with. The longer I wait, the harder this will be.

“Yeah…I’m sorry I’ve been so distant the past couple weeks. There was a lot on my mind, and I had some things I needed to work through.”

Nodding, he takes the plates to the sink. My mind is racing as he comes back over to the table, trying to decide the best way to break the news.

“That’s okay.” He gives me a warm smile, but there’s uncertainty in his eyes. “It actually gave me some much-needed time to think as well.”

He places a little black box on the table in front of me, and I gasp, my entire face tingling as I stare, unblinking. This can’t be happening. Not yet, not before I tell him about Lawrence.

“Spencer…is that?”

“It was meant for you, yes.”

“Was?” My voice cracks, my chest tightening as I look up at him.

I’m too late. He already knows. He’s probably been waiting all night for me to come clean.

“I love you, Cat. And I know you love me, but you’re not in love with me.” My ears ring as I shake my head in protest, tears rushing down my face. But as I open my mouth to respond, Spencer holds his hand up to stop me. “It’s okay. I think we both got carried away, both in love with the idea of being in love and living happily ever after.”

I continue to shake my head and shoot to my feet, my dinner threatening to make another appearance as my stomach churns. I’ve had all this time to tell him, and now it’s too late.

“No, that’s not true. Why are you saying this? Is this about Lawrence? What did Lori tell you?” His features bunch as he takes a step away from me, and my heart sinks. “It’s over. It was a one-time mistake. Merely old feelings that got the best of me in a weak moment. It’ll never happen again, I swear. Please, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”

My words feel like a betrayal to Spencer and Lawrence. My feelings for Lawrence are so much more than that, but I feel like a trapped rat trying to gnaw her way out.

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