Page 61 of In Too Deep

Her back straightens as she slides her hands out of mine, her gaze still avoiding me as a tear rolls down her cheek. “I do love him.”

My chest tightens at her words, but I refuse to let myself believe them. She may love him, but she’s not in love with him. I fall to my knees in front of her and place my hands on her hips, angling my head until we’re face to face.

“Look at me, Cat. Look in my eyes and tell me you truly believe he’s the one for you. I want to hear you say that you don’t feel this connection between us, that you’re not in love with me. If you can do that, then I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone forever if that’s what you want.”

Her body trembles as she sucks in quick breaths, her eyes glossed over with tears when she finally meets my gaze. “That’s what I’ve been saying from the beginning, you just haven’t wanted to hear it. I told you from the start I wanted to be with Spencer, but you wouldn’t let go.”

“No,” I protest, shaking my head. “That’s not true. You told me you wanted me before we made love.” She flinches, her chin quivering. “You kissed me. It was you who led me to your bedroom that day. I begged you to stop it if you weren’t sure. You remember that?”

Tears roll down her face as she closes her eyes and takes several deep breaths before opening them, her stare vacant as it meets mine. “Sleeping with you was a mistake. I thought that’s what I wanted in the moment, but the truth is, it was nothing more than an old itch I wanted to scratch.”

“Wow…” I blink up at her in shock, jolting away from her when my anger begins to overshadow the break in my heart. “That’s seriously fucked up, Cat.”

Standing over her now, I stare down at her, hoping she’ll say or do something that contradicts her harsh words. But she remains frozen, her gaze never lifting to meet mine.

“Fine, you win,” I spit, turning on my heel. “I hope you’re happy with Spencer.”

It feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest as I open her front door, a numbness washing over me as I step outside. I reach my car and pause, hearing sobs coming from inside. When nothing but silence greets me, I rush into the driver’s side and will myself not to look back.

37

Catelyn

My head is pounding, and my body feels dehydrated from all the tears I’ve shed this week, but I look even worse than I feel—my unbrushed hair matted to my head and wrinkled clothes stained with food. After taking my shower this morning, I crawled right back into bed, where I’ve been feeding my depression with Netflix movies and junk food. Lori seems to be avoiding me, probably for the same reason I’m avoiding Spencer. I’ve made such a mess of my life. And instead of trying to clean it up, I’m hiding out in my bedroom like the coward I am.

Lawrence hasn’t attempted to contact me since he walked out my front door last weekend. Which is what I wanted, but that doesn’t help with the pain. It would be so much easier to be angry with Lawrence. If only there’d been some truth behind the awful words I said to him. After all, this disaster does begin and end with him. But it killed me to see the heartbreak on his face. Especially knowing I was the one causing it. As much as I wanted to place the blame all on him, it’s on me. I’m the one who cheated. I never should’ve agreed to have dinner with him that night. A part of me knew I was playing with fire, that things could only end badly, but I was selfish and weak.

My breath stills at the sound of my doorbell, my entire body tense as I hit pause on my remote. I wouldn’t survive seeing Lawrence again. There’s no way I could stomach sending him away this time. As the bell echoes through my halls once more, my hurtful words do the same in my head.

It won’t be him at my door. A mixture of sorrow and relief flow through me as I release a breath, rolling out of bed and heading to my front door.

When I peek through the peephole, I’m surprised to see Lizzy standing there with grocery bags in her hands. It isn’t like her to show up somewhere unannounced, and I’m immediately filled with worry. I slip into my big sister role, rushing to open the door. “Lizzy? What’s wrong?”

Her head tilts, concern etched in her features as she studies me. “Jesus, you look like shit.”

Huffing, I take a step back as she pushes her way inside. “I’m aware. Thanks.”

She smirks as I close the door, giving me a quick glance over her shoulder before making her way to the kitchen with the bags.

“Spencer called me concerned. He said you haven’t been feeling well for a while now, and I thought I’d come take care of you for once.” My heart warms as she places the groceries on the kitchen counter, my raw emotion causing tears to prick my eyes as she flurries around the room putting everything away. “He wasn’t sure what your symptoms were, so I brought a little of everything. Soup, orange juice, sprite, crackers…” She trails off as she finally pauses to catch my gaze, her brow knitting as she steps over to me. “You look like you’re about to cry. What’s going on?”

I shake my head in protest, but my traitorous tears fall down my face, giving away my grief. She takes my hands and leads me over to the table, guiding me into a seat before taking one across from me. “I know you’re used to being the person who’s always there for everyone else, but you can talk to me, Cat. Something is bothering you. I could tell when you came by the house the other day. Spencer says he hasn’t seen you since the funeral. Has he done something to upset you?”

My eyes fall, my finger tracing over an old water ring on the wooden table. “He hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m avoiding him because of what I did.”

“What are you talking about?”

Dread swirls in my gut, and I look up at her through hooded eyes. “I cheated on Spencer.”

Her mouth drops open, her lashes fluttering in disbelief as she relaxes into the back of her chair. “Well…shit. I didn’t see that coming. How? When? Who?”

“I saw Lawrence when I went to say goodbye to Dave…” I begin.

“Wait, Lawrence? Like…your first love?”

I nod. “After we left that night, he asked me to go get something to eat with him. It was late, I was hungry and tired, so I said yes. In my gut, I knew it was a bad idea but ignored it. Before the night ended, he told me he still had feelings for me.”

“Wow…all these years later? That’s crazy. What did you say?”

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