Page 20 of In Too Deep

Even as I say the words, I know I don’t mean them. The thought of him walking out that door and never seeing him again is heartbreaking. I’m lashing out at him because I’m scared. Because it’s easier to blame him than face what I’ve done.

He blinks at me as his mouth falls open. The shock on his face morphs into anger as he picks his shirt up off the floor and turns on his heel, only taking a couple steps before facing me again. “Wait. Let’s take a breath here. I’m sorry for letting my temper get the best of me, but I’m kind of freaking out right now. I went from this nirvana as I held you in my arms to you trying to push me away. Please, I’m begging you. Listen to your heart, it will tell you we belong together.”

I shake my head, tightening the belt on my robe as I shift on my feet. “You see, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of, why I can’t listen to my heart. Our history tells me I can’t trust my heart—or you with it.”

“Fear,” he declares, waving his finger at me. “That’s the real reason you’re doing this.” His features soften as he moves closer. “I understand this situation is a little more complicated for you, but I’m asking you to do what we failed to do the first time: fight for us.”

A tear rolls down my face as I close my eyes. My chest is so tight, it hurts to take in air. It isn’t fair for him to ask me to fight for us like I hadn’t done so when we were younger. I’d fought to keep him in my life until it nearly broke me, and it hadn’t mattered. When I open my eyes again, my resolve is renewed.

“This isn’t just about you and me. There’s a third party mixed up in all this, and he doesn’t deserve any of it. He’s a good man, and I know I’m safe with him. I’m sorry, but I can’t risk what I have with him. Not for someone who’s already walked away from me so easily once before.”

“So, that’s it?” he huffs, throwing up his hands. “You get to decide that we’re done? How I feel doesn’t even matter?”

I snarl, planting my hand on my hip. “It sucks not having a say, doesn’t it? That’s a feeling I know very well.”

He certainly hadn’t considered my feelings when he disappeared from my life before. It was his decision. I had no vote in it.

He takes a deep breath and nods, not saying another word as he walks out of the room. My legs feel weak, my stomach queasy as I sit back down on my couch. A few seconds later, a fully dressed Lawrence rushes past the living room and slams the front door as he exits. I hold my breath, listening as he starts his car and drives away before allowing my grief to consume me.

12

My stomach churns as another lie passes through my lips. I’ve been avoiding Spencer as much as possible for the past two days, but my lies are piling up quickly. I’m not only lying to Spencer. My deception extends to everyone around me. I’d gone to work today hoping it would keep my mind off Lawrence and everything that happened, but every time I opened my mouth, I told a lie. People wanted to know where I’d been the day before, what I did, and if I was feeling better.

Lies, lies, lies.

This isn’t me. I’m a strait-laced rule follower. Not a liar and a cheater. I’ve never so much as cheated on a test in school. But I cheated on the best man I’ve ever dated. To think of all the times I’ve judged others for cheating, sitting on my high horse talking about how I’d never cheat. I’m no better than them.

I am one of them.

I get it now. Why people say they never meant to cheat. How they claim it was never about the spouse not being good enough. This has certainly been a humbling experience for me. I finally understand. We’re all human, designed to be flawed and make mistakes.

Sadly, I don’t think Spencer will be able to see it that way.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to bring you anything?” Spencer asks for the third time since I said I was sick.

That one is only a partial lie, seeing as I cried until I threw up last night. After Lawrence left, I laid on my couch as my sorrow swallowed me whole. I haven’t shed that many tears since I was a teenager. Which, ironically, was a heartbreak brought on by Lawrence as well. But I don’t blame him. Not this time. I did this to myself.

“Yeah. I’m sure. Thank you for offering, but I think the other day just drained me. I should be fine once I get caught up on sleep. Don’t worry about me. You’ve been working all day. Go home, have a beer, and relax.”

He lets out a defeated sigh, filling me with a mixture of relief and guilt. “Well… all right. But if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask, okay?”

My face tingles as my tear ducts fill with tears. I hate myself for what I did to Spencer. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him. Despite my doubts about our romantic relationship, he’s been good to me.

My response is barely a whisper, and it’s drowned out by the chime of my doorbell.

“Did I hear your doorbell? Are you expecting anyone?”

“No…” My heart pounds in my chest while the rest of my body freezes up.

It’s far too late for it to be a salesman or Jehovah’s Witness. I’m talking to Spencer, so it’s definitely not him. And Lori is working late. Which only leaves one option.

“I’m staying on the line while you check to see who it is.”

“Okay…” Placing my glass of wine down on the kitchen counter, I tiptoe to the front door and look out the peephole. Sure enough, Lawrence is on the other side. As if he knows I’m looking at him, he gives me a sad smile and holds up a bag of Chinese food.

“Well, who is it?”

Spencer’s worried voice in my ear startles me, causing me to bump my head on the door.

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