Page 2 of In Too Deep

My eyes widen as I pull in a quick, sharp breath. His words feel like a physical blow, one I know I deserve. “Of course not. It’s not like that.” His jaw tics, his narrowed eyes unblinking as I take a deep breath to calm my quivering chin. “I know you probably hate me after the things I said, but I didn’t mean them. I was just…I couldn’t…”

My voice breaks as thunder cracks above us, forcing me to give up my search for the right words. A shiver rocks through my body as a gust of wind blows around me. I wrap myself in a hug, hiccupping a sob.

A tear rolls down my face as he lets out a defeated sigh. My breath stills when he reaches up to brush it away with the pad of his thumb. His hand lingers at my jawline, and he dips his head, as if he’s going to kiss me. He stops just short of touching his lips to mine, looking as if it pains him to do so.

“Damn it, Cat. Why did you come here? What do you want?”

“I don’t know.” It’s a lie.

I know. I’ve known all along. But I’ve always been too afraid to admit it.

I still can’t. Not even now.

He loosens a sorrowed breath that brushes across my lips, his eyes closing as he rests his forehead against mine. I remain frozen, fighting the urge to embrace him while relishing in his touch. He pulls away, taking a step back as he removes his hand. When he finds my gaze again, my heart sinks with dread.

“I fell in love with you even when I knew I shouldn’t. I continued to be in love with you even when I tried not to. Even after years apart. Even now, I love you. But I can’t stick around while you figure out what you want, hoping it will be me.”

“I’m here now. Doesn’t that count for anything?” I hate the desperation in my voice.

He sighs, shaking his head. “You were going to marry a man out of some sense of obligation. For all I know, you’re only here now because it’s what I want. You need to figure out what you want, to think about your own happiness for once. I can’t do this with you until you know for sure. I don’t want to spend my life wondering if you’re with me because it’s really what you want, or if you’re simply trying to right a wrong.”

Tears stream down my face as he begins to back away, and I adamantly shake my head. I know what he needs to hear, what I need to say, but all I can manage is a simple plea. “Please don’t go.”

He freezes, as if reconsidering, his head shaking as he fights internally with himself. Rubbing the back of his neck, his cheeks puff as he blows out a long breath. When he shoves his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, he lifts his eyes, looking through me instead of at me.

“Goodbye, Cat.”

With that, he turns on his heel and jogs away.

Then, as if on cue, the sky opens, releasing a pounding rain.

Perfect.

1

3 Weeks Earlier

My hands are shaking as I park my car outside Caroline’s childhood home, another bout of emotion hitting me like a tidal wave. The second I saw her name on my cellphone this morning, I knew what was coming. It was the call I’d been dreading for months, the one I’d been trying to prepare myself for, but I suppose there are some things you’ll never be ready for.

One of them being losing the people we love.

Caroline is one of my oldest friends. If I can even call her that. She’s more like family. We don’t see each other or talk very often these days, but I know she’ll always be there for me, just as I will for her. We grew up together, and there was a time when we were inseparable.

When she told me this morning they didn’t expect her father to live through the day, it took all my strength to hold it together. Listening to her sobs as she described how his condition had gone from bad to worse overnight was gut wrenching. Dave has been dealing with cancer for years now, but the past seven months have really taken a toll on him, on everyone in her family.

My contacts feel like sandpaper on my tired eyes. They’re bone dry from all the tears I’ve cried. Still, as I take in my surroundings, more begin to spill. The tiny brick and stucco homes look more worn down than the last time I was here, the trees sprinkled around them seeming less massive than what I remember from my childhood.

This neighborhood holds so many memories for me. My family lived just one street over until we moved across town when I was nine. I rode my bike on these streets, played in these yards, and went trick-or-treating at these houses. Even after my parents moved us away, I’d spent a good portion of my time here. This was my home away from home, where I spent my weekends and summers. But it’s been over a decade since I’ve come here, and I hate that this is what it took to get me back.

As I attempt to dry my face, I notice movement in the front window of the house, the curtains sweeping back in place as someone retreats. They know I’ve arrived, and I can’t put this off any longer. Discarding the used tissue, I take a deep breath and wipe my clammy hands on my jeans, checking my reflection in the rearview mirror. I’d been smart enough not to wear mascara, but my eyes are bloodshot. There’s no fixing the red rims around them, or the puffiness under them. So, I grab another handful of Kleenex and stuff them in my pocket before getting out of the car.

Caroline’s brother-in-law, Jordan, opens the door for me as soon as I approach, giving me a brief hug hello before ushering me inside. Walking into Dave and Sarah’s home feels surreal. All the furniture, flooring, and appliances have been updated, yet everything feels the same. It even smells the same, like years of family dinners and holiday gatherings, like home.

Robbie, Caroline’s younger brother, is sitting at the kitchen table. His elbows are resting on it, his head cradled in his hands and shoulders slumped, making his normally intimidating presence seem almost small.

Caroline told me her brother hasn’t been around much lately, and something tells me that’s haunting him right now.

“Hi.”

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