Page 98 of In This Moment

Things have never been this off with Jon before. I’ve said and done a lot worse, so there must be something more going on with him.

“Nope.” He gives a quick shake of his head, pouring another round of tequila. “Nothing to talk about.” He takes shot number three and is already pouring number four before I can respond.

“Come on, man. What’s really going on? We should be able to move past this. You’ve got to talk to me eventually.”

“Since when do you care so much?” he scoffs. “It’s not like you’ve been around lately anyway.”

Laughing, I prop myself on the counter and cross my arms. “Is that what this is about? Do you miss me, Jonny boy?”

“Fuck you, asshole,” he spits before slamming back another shot. “I don’t miss you.”

“You do. You miss me,” I taunt. “Don’t worry. You still have a special place in my heart, and I’ll need you around to be my best man someday.”

“Best man?” My blood heats as he laughs sarcastically, shaking his head as if the mere idea is a ridiculous notion. “Enjoy living in that ignorant bliss while you can, dude.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I bite out.

“Never mind, forget it.” He rolls his eyes, taking a swig of his beer. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure you’ll figure it all out on your own eventually.”

“Hell no,” I protest, standing straight as my curled fists fall to my sides. “You don’t get to say something screwed up like that and then say never mind. Tell me what you mean.”

My anger begins to increase with each second that goes by, my blood feeling more like lava as it rushes through my veins.

Jon doesn’t seem concerned though. He continues to regard me silently while he drinks his beer. Finally, he says, “Look…”

Then he places his beer back on the counter and scratches the stubble on his chin. “She’s got you hearing fucking wedding bells, but do you honestly believe she has any intention of staying with you forever?”

Bile rises to my throat, my stomach churning as my mother’s voice haunts me.

“You’re pathetic. No one could ever love you.”

“What the fuck, man? I know you’re pissed at me and there’s obviously something bothering you, but that’s a seriously fucked up thing to say to me,” I tell him.

I don’t need him adding to my concerns and self-doubt when it comes to my relationship with Lizzy. I’m doing everything I can to show her I’m committed, but it seems as if she has one leg on the floor ready to run. I know she feels the need to be cautious after what she went through with Xander. I can’t even imagine how awful that must’ve been for her. But there’s a part of me that worries I’m the real reason she’s holding back.

When she acted weird last week about including me in her vacation plans, I tried to brush it off. Even though I wanted to believe her hesitation was solely driven by her anxiety of losing someone else she loves, it felt personal. Like she’s still thinking in terms of them or me instead of we.

Perhaps I’m seeing it that way because of my own deep-seeded fear of rejection—thanks for that, Mom and Dad—but I haven’t been able to shake this dread knotting in my gut. I can’t get rid of these thoughts that she may never see us as a family. Which, just like love, I didn’t even know I wanted until I got a taste of it. But I love Lizzy and her kids. I want very much for the four of us to be a collective.

A we.

“You can shoot the messenger if you want but think about it,” Jon says. “She’s already chosen her forever. She’s already done the wedding, the house, and the kids, Brenden. You’ve told me yourself she’s called him the love her of life. So, yes, I think you’re living in an ignorant bliss, and that can’t last forever.”

Rage consumes me, and I fight my instinct to slug him for causing this horrid pain in me. I pour myself another shot and down it, hating him for saying those things to me, and hating myself for believing them.

“Glad we could talk,” I hiss, slamming the shot glass down on the counter so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t shatter.

“Fuck,” Jon shouts out as I begin to walk away, “I’m only trying to save you some heartache down the road.”

I scoff as I make my way up the stairs.

It’s too late for that. There’s no saving me now. Lizzy is it for me. I’ll never love anyone the way I love her.

I’m just not sure she’ll ever love me the way she loved Xander.

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