Page 98 of Never Leave, Never Lie

“Are you having any thoughts of suicide today?”

Closing his laptop on Dr. Dhawan was one way to avoid answering. He could always tell her the connection dropped. She asked the same question at the beginning of every session they’d had over the last six weeks, and every session Alek struggled with his answer.

“It’s not a trick question,” the live video version of Dr. Dhawan insisted. “I won’t lock you up forever if you give the wrong answer.”

“So there is a wrong answer?” he teased.

She clicked and unclicked her pen. That was one of her tells when her patience was wearing thin.

“Any answer is the right answer as long as you’re telling the truth.”.

“I don’t want to kill myself,” Alek finally said.

Dr. Dhawan’s dark eyes narrowed. “That’s your answer? After all the suspense?”

“Don’t sound so disappointed.” Alek feigned offense, bringing a hand to his chest. He dropped the sarcasm andadded, “In all seriousness, admitting that I don’t want to kill myself is nearly as difficult as admitting when I did.”

Her mouth pushed to the side in a thoughtful pout. “Why?”

The urge to lie was strong, but Alek was stronger. “If I don’t commit suicide, my future is uncertain. Where will I live? What will I do? What will life be like after this?”

“After what?”

“Depression. Losing music.” Losing Ian.

“I can see how that might seem daunting, but you have so many new coping tools in your arsenal. You’ll continue to see me outpatient. I will help you feel prepared.”

She wrote something with a flourish on her notepad.

Suspicious, he squinted at the screen. “What are you writing there?”

She held the page up. It was blurry and pixelated but read,denies suicidal ideation.

“Denies?” He crossed his arms. “That sounds accusatory.”

“It’s not. It’s medical jargon. Before today, your answer was always a nonanswer or abrupt change in subject or the frequent,” she lifted her fingers in air quotes, “If I wasn’t already suicidal this place would make me want to kill myself.Today is the first day you’ve said no, so today is the first day I can write that.”

“Do I get a reward of some kind? Perhaps a party?”

“Unfortunately not, but it is major progress that should be acknowledged. Well done!” Smiling, she pushed the stray strands of black hair back behind her ears and met his gaze, and even though he was sitting on his bed and she was in her office, her eye contact almost felt like the real thing. “Why don’t you want to kill yourself today?”

“I’m not entirely sure.”

Alek couldn’t pinpoint exactly when or why it happened, but his thoughts seemed to have shifted. When he’d first arrived atPoplar Porch, he’d been plagued with guilt and loss and overwhelming hopelessness intermixed with frequent and prolonged bouts of suicidal ideation. He’d operated without the future in mind because suicide was on pause, not permanent hiatus.

But now? Without even meaning to, he’d started to plan. Small things at first, like schemes to unearth the truth about Briar, who he’d been happy to learn was not another fox. He’d check the weather forecast, order something online, or plan a weekly movie night with Briar that they’d titledNetflix and Mentally Ill. Then the plans became broader; how to get better enough to get out, what he would do when that happened.

His depressive thoughts hadn’t completely disappeared, but they’d been pushed to the shadows, and when they tried to creep back in, they were far more easily vanquished. It was like a fragile wisp of hope had sparked to life in the ashes of his depression.

“It’s okay if you don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with weeks of therapy, good sleep, and medications under your belt…”

She was teasing him, but it was certainly possible. Over the last six weeks, he felt like he’d climbed up a mountain through a thick fog, and now that he was at the peak, the fog had cleared, and he could look back on everything that had happened and see how unwell he had been.

“With suicide off the table,” she said. “I’m curious to know if your thoughts about Ian have changed.”

Alek shook his head. “My lawyer is tying up loose ends with our joint ventures and then Ian will be free to do as he pleases.”

There was that snag where Ian refused to sign any paperwork without seeing him, but no matter. Alek could remain a silent and completely unreachable business partner if Ian was going to act so childish. Worst-case scenario, Alek could explore other avenues of litigation.

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