Page 13 of The Night I Lost Him

I glanced at Jamie’s mom and sister. They looked sad, and they were looking at me with sympathy in their eyes. They probably thought I was crazy, too, even though they didn’t know the ideas in my head. I couldn’t tell them; I didn’t want to upset them more than they already were. I didn’t think it would do them any good to hear what was going on in my mind. It certainly wasn’t doing anything good for me. Everyone thought I’d been driven to literal madness. But I just wanted someone to hear me out, someone who would really listen. I looked away from everyone and kept my eyes on the floor as I allowed my friends to lead me outside.

I made it to the steps in front of the building, then half fell, half sat near the top. I didn’t think I could walk any farther right then. They all sat down around me, and we sat there in the sun in silence for a few minutes. I wished Jamie was there. He loved the sun. He loved warm weather. He’d have his hand in mine and his head on my shoulder, and I’d let him, right out in the open. I’d never try to hide him again. I swore it.

I knew my friends were trying to give me the chance to calm down a little, but Caitlin finally broke the silence. “Caden, please stop.” I looked at her beside me, and she turned toward me and took me by the shoulders, like she wanted me to feel her and be grounded by her presence. But I already knew she cared. I knew they were all there. I just wished they’d listen with an open mind for once. They might be hearing what I was saying to them, but they weren’t listening.

Caitlin waited until I looked her in the eyes before she continued speaking. “Caden, you have to stop. I know you don’t want to believe him, but he admitted it. He told his own mother that Jamie was dead. He talked about cutting him, him being scattered. Caden, I know it’s awful, I know.” She did know, she sounded like she wanted to cry, but I wasn’t sure how it was supposed to help me. I’d been the one who’d told them what he said, after all. That phone call wasn’t public knowledge yet. “Why would he make it up?” she asked me. “He was talking to his mother. He was distraught and upset. How would he even make that up?”

I didn’t have an answer as to how, but I did question the way he’d worded things. Part of his words hadn’t even been coherent. Yes, he’d been distraught, upset, crying, sometimes screaming. He’d done something bad. He’d taken the person he loved, hid him. Got upset when Jamie kept trying to leave. Now he’s gone. He’s gone forever, and I did it. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I…he was cut, cut deep, so many times. Blood was everywhere. I just wanted to…I didn’t mean to…now he’s dead. He’d dead because of me. And now he’s in pieces. No one will ever find him. I need help, Mama. I need help. They’re going to take me. I need you to help me.

A tear slipped out, right there on the courthouse steps. I’d never cried in front of anyone, even my friends, until Jamie went missing. After that, all bets were off.

Caitlin had tears in her own eyes as she said, “Caden, please. I know that you are hurting, I know that you are mourning. I know how much you loved him. I know it’s hard to accept it, and that you don’t want to believe it. I do. And I understand. But you have to, Caden. You have to let go, accept it, grieve. You can’t get past it until you accept it. I know it’s harder because you can’t see it for yourself, and you’re missing out on that closure but, Caden, you have to accept it. We can’t lose you, too.”

She’d never been as serious as she was then. I’d rarely ever seen her in any way other than happy-go-lucky, free-spirited, and down for anything. She’d always been smiling, just a breath away from laughter, until Jamie disappeared. I knew they were all hurting over Jamie, too. I knew they were hurting over me. They felt responsible for me and wanted to help me get through it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t give up. They didn’t understand, even though I’d tried explaining it. They didn’t believe me any more than anyone else did.

He hadn’t given a reason for those words. He denied any wrongdoing. He was pleading innocent, but that phone call was still there, and it wasn’t going away, no matter what he said. I wanted to hear his response to it. I had a feeling I’d just ruined my chances of being in the courtroom when he spoke, and all I managed to do was shake him up a bit.

I dropped my head into my hands in defeat and exhaustion. “Caden, you need some sleep,” Jesse said, sounding worried. Probably because every night I was awake when he went to sleep, and still awake when he woke up. I just nodded and let them help me to my feet. I’d let them take me back to my dorm. I didn’t know how I was going to do it all on my own, but it looked like that was my only option. No one was ever going to listen. I was alone.

Chapter 7

September

There was a car behind us. We were only a couple of miles from campus by that point, but I’d noticed that the car had become a fixture back there. It wasn’t right on us, but it also hadn’t budged from its persistent distance. I wasn’t hugging Jamie tight like I had been when we pulled out of the parking lot of Club Adonis, but my arms were still around him because I didn’t want to fall off the bike. He definitely wasn’t going slow, which made the car back there even more concerning.

When I was pretty damn certain we were being followed, I tapped Jamie on the shoulder and motioned behind us with my thumb. He glanced in the mirror, watching as the car held the same distance even when he slowed down or sped up. He shook his head and yelled over the wind, “Hey, I’m going to go a different way, ok? If that’s him, I don’t want him knowing which building I live in.” I nodded in agreement. That was the entire reason I was worried.

Jamie turned suddenly, heading down a dark back road. I wasn’t sure it was the best plan, but it did accomplish one thing: there was now no doubt whatsoever that the car was following us. When it turned behind us, Jamie let out a curse I couldn’t quite hear, then yelled, “Hold on tight, Caden.”

My arms tightened around his torso, and he gunned it. It felt like I was on a freaking rocket blasting off. He must have known the road because he was taking the curves like a pro. It felt like we were awfully close to the pavement every time, and I just tried to lean with him, even though by then my eyes were closed. That tidbit was something I would never admit out loud, but I was actually kind of wishing I’d just taken the helmet.

We were losing the car, though, and Jamie turned down yet another street. When it curved around, I could no longer see the headlights when I looked behind us. He made another turn, then another, only a few scattered, dark houses on the roads we were on. It felt like we were still going in the direction of campus, but I wasn’t sure where we were. The last turn he made was onto a narrow drive up a hill that curved around until we were completely hidden from the road behind us. The road ended at a darkened building with a sign in front proclaiming it a planetarium. It was probably the one our school owned and ran. I knew it existed, and that it had a viewing area and a telescope, but I’d never been there, and it had long since closed. The parking lot was deserted and there weren’t any lights around, or houses nearby.

Jamie pulled right up to the doors and cut the engine, thrusting us into darkness. The only lights were the nearly full moon and the stars above us. He motioned his head as he took off his helmet, and we both climbed off the bike. I followed him to the corner of the building, where he stood looking at the street below. The drive was visible from our vantage point, as was the road we’d been on before we turned. No headlights were visibly approaching. Even so, there was nowhere to go besides back down the drive, so if our pursuer figured out which way we’d gone, we’d be trapped. I could take that guy I’d seen in the club one on one, no problem, but if he was armed, we’d be in big trouble.

No cars appeared, though, and after a few moments Jamie finally seemed to relax. He let out a breath, then looked at me. “You wanna see something cool?”

I probably looked incredulous as I said, “What, right now?”

He nodded, pulling a key ring out of his pocket. “Yeah, right now. This seemed like the best place to hide. I didn’t want him to keep sight of my taillights and follow me home. This place…I come here a lot to think.”

I really couldn’t figure him out. It wasn’t for lack of trying. “Ok, wait. First, I want to know how a Marine Biology major got the keys to a planetarium that he sneaks into in the middle of the night to think and hide from creepy guys.”

Jamie smirked. “Because said Marine Biology major has a best friend whose major is Astronomy, and who loves him enough to know that sometimes he needs a place to get away from everyone and hide. She also knows that the place she works is the perfect place, and that he would never do anything to jeopardize her job.”

I nodded, and with a shrug said, “Ok. Let’s see something cool.”

He grinned and walked over to the main door, opening it and motioning me inside with a flourish. He followed me in, closing and locking the door behind us, then he hit something on the alarm panel on the wall that was beeping and had me in a panic. The beeping stopped, and he turned back to me still with that grin. I was a little relieved that there were windows, and we’d notice if anyone approached with headlights on.

The lobby we stood in was open, with a counter to the left and a door right in front of us that I assumed was the actual planetarium. There were stairs beside the door, and that’s where Jamie headed. I followed him up and into a large, open room with a domed glass ceiling. There was a huge telescope in the center of the room. There were framed posters on the walls, but in the dim light I couldn’t tell what was on them.

“Check it out,” Jamie said, walking over to the telescope and peering through it. He backed up a few seconds later and motioned for me to take a look. It was amazing. I was a little bummed that I was in my third year and had never been there. It wasn’t something I’d ever really thought about, but those little backyard telescopes I’d had growing up had nothing on the behemoth in front of me. The view was no less than awe-inspiring, and I could suddenly see how someone would want to be an astronomer.

“Wow,” I breathed out, still checking out the sky in close-up view. When I pulled back, I saw that Jamie was beaming at me.

“Cool, right?” he asked me almost hopefully.

“It’s amazing,” I agreed.

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