Page 30 of The Night I Lost Him

There were a few false leads that gave me hope that was short-lived and quickly dashed every time someone thought they saw Wally or Jamie. It was never actually them. The police dogs could not pick up Jamie’s scent. The people, including me, combing the woods came back empty-handed. The divers they sent into the lake found nothing. It seemed that Wally and Jamie had somehow disappeared off the face of the earth.

Two weeks later, Wally called his mother from a shitty motel outside of town. He didn’t have a car there, and he claimed he’d taken a bus. They couldn’t trace any bus tickets to him, though, and they weren’t convinced he was telling the truth. The hotel manager reported that Wally had been there for two days, and he didn’t know Wally had been on the news. Wally had paid cash for the room, given a fake name that wasn’t checked, and hid out as he obviously tried to figure out how to get back to his apartment to hide the evidence he didn’t know had already been found. There was no sign Jamie had ever been in the motel, and the manager reported he’d shown up alone. There was no DNA in the room that belonged to Jamie. Not even a hair or a fingerprint.

None of us had a clue where Wally had been before that. We didn’t know where he’d taken Jamie or how he’d really gotten there. He hadn’t used his own car unless he’d had Jamie somewhere nearby that wasn’t his apartment. The police were certain there would be at least minor damage to the vehicle that hit Jamie’s bike, though, and they couldn’t find any on Wally’s car. Wally was tight-lipped, refusing to say anything at all about where he’d been or what he’d done. All they had to go on was the phone call to his mother in which he’d said that Jamie had been cut, that he was gone, and that he was hidden in multiple places.

The police wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to explain that I didn’t think he’d actually kill Jamie. He was a stalker, and this was, to them, a case of, “If I can’t have you no one will.” He wanted Jamie so badly he’d rather see him dead than not have him. But I didn’t think so. He’d been nothing if not persistent. They were telling me he’d given up on Jamie after less than two weeks and killed him? He’d try harder than that, I was sure of it. Especially if he was having his way with Jamie like he seemed to claim in the phone call, even if Jamie was fighting him. He wouldn’t want to give up all of that.

But if they were wrong, then what had happened? That was the part I couldn’t figure out. I wasn’t sure it was any better than what the police thought had happened. Something had happened that made Wally give up and try to get back home. Something had upset him, made him leave wherever he was, and I knew that even if I was right, that something wasn’t good. I’d heard the phone call. I had to have hope, though, that maybe Wally was wrong somehow. That the something wasn’t simply that Wally had gotten angry enough to kill Jamie. That maybe whatever had happened was something Jamie had survived. That he was out there, waiting for me to find him. And I had to find him.

I looked up at Caitlin hopefully. “Find anything?” She looked at me sadly and shook her head. I glanced at the others, who shook their heads as well. I sighed. We all looked dull and miserable. We all were dull and miserable. I wasn’t sure how I would go on if we never found answers, never found Jamie. The brightest light in my life had gone out. And I didn’t want to live without him.

Chapter 13

October

Was this my real life? I hadn’t realized how horrible I’d made myself feel by repressing who I really was and trying to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be. I’d been miserable for years, but the weeks after I officially met Jamie had been nothing short of amazing.

We weren’t open about our relationship, but my friends and Jamie’s best friend Amber knew. Amber was the girl who’d sat next to him at the hockey game, and we’d introduced her to my friend group since Jamie and I were planning on spending a lot of time together. Amber and Caitlin had hit it off immediately, and even though they were nothing alike had become fast friends.

We went places as a group a lot, so it wouldn’t be too suspicious, but Jamie and I could still be together. We all went out to dinner, to the coffee shop, to bars. Sometimes Jamie and I went places alone, though. I couldn’t tell you how many times we went to the planetarium after hours. We hid in so many places on campus to make out, and even though it made me a little nervous every time, it was a good nervous. We got more and more creative with our hiding spots as time went on. It was a little surprising how many places there were to hide in plain sight on a college campus.

We went to the beach on his bike a few times. Sometimes we went out to dinner alone a couple towns over. We went to the movies too, but not the theater closest to campus because we seemed unable to avoid making out every time, no matter how badly we thought we wanted to actually watch the movie.

Everything we did felt like the most fun I’d ever had. I knew part of it was because I’d finally let the real Caden out of his box, even if only around the people closest to me. Forcing yourself to be something you weren’t kind of took the joy out of life. The other part though, the biggest part, was simply that I was with Jamie. He had such a zest for life that it was impossible not to have fun with him, not to mention the fact that I really liked him. More than I’d ever liked anyone.

We were at a water park with our friends in early October. We weren’t the only ones who had the idea that day, and there were a few groups I recognized, but we were steering clear of them. To my chagrin, I saw Renee there, and she saw me, too. She was eying our little group while she walked with her friends in her skimpy bikini. She seemed to be sizing up Caitlin and Amber. She knew how close Caitlin and I were and had never perceived her as a threat while we were dating, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t suspicious of it later. I couldn’t tell who she was watching closer, but I doubted she guessed that the person she should really be jealous of was standing right beside me in black swim trunks, laughing at something Jesse had just said.

We managed to avoid her for a long time, but Renee finally cornered us in line for one of the slides, getting into the queue behind us so we couldn’t just walk away from her, while her friends eyed me suspiciously. I just rolled my eyes and attempted to ignore all of them. She wasn’t having that, of course. “Hey, Caden,” she practically purred as she touched my arm.

She had Jamie’s attention at that point, but he said nothing. I sighed, pulling my arm away from her and taking a step back. “Renee,” I said, and it came out as curtly as I meant for it to. There was no reason for her to be acting the way she was. While I cut out early on a lot of one-night stands, since Renee and I had actually dated I hadn’t just left her hanging. I’d made it clear that it was over, for good. I told her that I didn’t want to see her anymore, that it wasn’t her, it was me. Because in our case, it truly was.

It seemed she thought since we’d gotten back together after breaking up in the past that it might happen again. “I tried to call you the other night. You never called me back.” That’s because I blocked your number.

“Oh.” I could see Jamie looking at me, but I wasn’t meeting anyone’s eye. In my peripheral I saw him look away from all of us as she continued to try to talk to me about the great game I’d played the previous weekend, and was I doing ok?

Jeff finally took pity on me. “Damn, this line is long. You guys want to go get on the one with the shorter line now and try this one later?” Jesse, Caitlin, and Amber all spoke up in agreement. Renee was watching all of us, her eyes calculating, trying to assess the real threat. Her gaze landed on Jamie, but I didn’t think she really suspected it. Most everyone knew who he was, and they all assumed he was gay, but they also knew Jesse was gay, and it was obvious that the two of them were friends. I was fairly certain Renee didn’t suspect that I was gay, too, but she did look at Jamie for a second too long. Though he wasn’t looking back at her, the look of annoyance on his face was just a tiny bit transparent.

Jeff pushed his way in between Renee and me. “Let’s bounce.” Jesse followed him, pulling me along past my ex, with Jamie and Amber right behind us as Caitlin fell in behind them. Caitlin gave Renee a withering look on the way out. She’d never liked Renee and had insisted she thought Renee was cheating on me the entire time we’d been together. I didn’t know if she was or wasn’t, and honestly, I didn’t care then let alone after we broke up. Caitlin was sure of it, though, and kept insisting that Renee was using me for my status. I was kind of doing the same thing, though, just in a different way, so could I really be mad about that?

Thankfully, Renee didn’t follow us as we left. We got in line for a different slide, Jamie and I surrounded by our friends. Jesse and Amber were joking around in front of us, with Caitlin and Jeff behind us, murmuring to each other and effectively guarding us in case clinger showed up after all.

“I’m sorry about her,” I said to Jamie softly, “I broke it off cleanly. I don’t know why she keeps trying to talk to me.”

He shrugged. “It’s not your fault she acts like that.”

“I blocked her number. That’s why I didn’t know she called. There’s nothing there. There never was, really. I guess I used to think there would be, eventually, but it was all for show, even though I didn’t mean to do that to her. I’m not heartless, but I didn’t let myself understand why I wasn’t getting the feelings I thought I should. I do now, though. I wish she’d just get the message and leave me alone.”

He finally looked over at me. “It’s ok, Caden, really. I’m not mad at you, or anything.”

He still seemed a little off, but we ended up managing to have fun the rest of the day at the water park. I got on a double tube with him, and our combined weight made us fly down the slide. Caitlin was waiting at the bottom with her phone out, since she and Amber had gone first and already knew what was about to go down. She got a picture as our tube tipped slightly at the bottom and Jamie fell right into the water. I was cracking up since I managed to stay on, which caused him to sweep a massive wave of water into my face. It almost started a water fight as I jumped off the tube to create my own wave for him, but a scolding look from the lifeguard had us trudging out of the pool with our tube like kids in trouble.

The rest of the group was laughing at us as we met them on the walkway. I spotted Renee nearby, apparently watching the entire thing. Fantastic. I turned away from her and walked on with my friends, determined to enjoy my day without her around, trusting Jeff to help me out like I knew he would. She didn’t try to talk to me anymore, and she was all but forgotten for the rest of the day.

???

Our friends and I surprised Jamie at the club. I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad surprise when your friends all showed up where you were dancing almost naked in a room full of people, but Jamie had never been shy, and he sure seemed happy to see me. We made it early enough to catch his actual strip tease, and it was one hundred percent directed at me. I was sure people noticed that his eyes never left mine as he took off his clothing teasingly during the entire length of a song, but I didn’t really care if they did. I wasn’t sure if I was glad or sad that I’d missed it on the first night. I really missed out, but I also probably would have had a panic attack at that point in time.

He already had me hot and bothered by the time I finally got the lap dance I’d so desperately wanted on that first night but hadn’t been comfortable accepting. Caitlin was having a great time watching us and she kept whooping and trying to push money at him that he kept sliding back across the table at her without ever taking his eyes off mine. I knew my friends were whispering and giggling at us, and I knew with them watching that my face was on fire. He didn’t go easy on me, and he didn’t seem fazed at all that our friends were right there. He smirked when I got hard, and I knew that had been his goal. I wasn’t sure why he thought that would be a tough goal to reach.

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