Page 1 of The Night I Lost Him

PROLOGUE

April

“We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life of our friend, our classmate, our family. While we mourn the loss of such a bright young soul, Jamie wouldn’t want us to cry. He would want us to rejoice in everything he accomplished and experienced. He loved life with a passion, and he wanted to live it. He would want those of us who loved him to do the same, to keep smiling and keep living. Jamie’s friends knew him for who he was and what he planned to accomplish in life. He had big dreams, and he was going to reach all of them, no matter what it took, because he never let anything hold him back. Jamie was a hard worker, and the most determined person I’ve ever met. He loved the path he’d chosen in life, the one he’d strived so hard for. He had so much care for the earth and people. He’d already done so much, he already changed the world, even if he didn’t know it. He changed his friends and the people who loved him. He dedicated himself fully to the things he cared about. He had such a zest for life, for helping, and for making this world a better place for all of us.”

Amber’s words were all true, of course. She’d known him better than most people. She’d been his friend longer than any of us. So, what she was saying was all correct, but the whole thing wasn’t right. How could we have a memorial for someone when we didn’t have a body? When we didn’t have proof of what had happened? It wasn’t fair that he wouldn’t be laid to rest properly, even if the worst was true. How could all those people, even Amber, just give up on someone like that? How could all the people who said they cared just accept it?

I looked around the room for any sign that someone, anyone, might agree with me, but came up empty. They were all somber and silent, even our friends. Most of the people in the room didn’t even care. They sat in their seats, staring at Amber because they had to, but most probably hadn’t even spoken one word to Jamie. They hadn’t given two shits about him when he was right there, so why would they care when he wasn’t? Some of them probably didn’t even know whose life we were celebrating. They may have known it was that flamboyant guy they saw walking through the quad or in class, the one who never seemed to care what anyone thought about him, but most of them didn’t truly know him.

“Jamie never cared about other people’s opinions of him, and he always did his own thing. I loved that about him. I loved how he walked to the beat of his own drum. I always wished I had the guts to be myself so fully and completely like he did. Jamie was never anything but true to himself. He didn’t have the time or energy to waste on caring about what other people were saying about him.”

I saw people nodding all around the room. Like they agreed with her. Like they had respected him like she had.

Liars. All of you. None of you had anything close to respect for him. You didn’t want to be like him. You wanted to tear him down every chance you got. You wanted to whisper, point and laugh, and sometimes say things loud enough for him to hear you. I know who his true friends were. All of them. They were few, but they were loyal. I know which of you were definitively not his friends, too. While you’re sitting at his memorial pretending that you care.

I did not want to be at the memorial service. Not that I wouldn’t want to pay my respects to him, because I had so much respect for him it literally overflowed. But I didn’t want to do what was being asked of me. I could not just accept it and move on. It was nearly impossible to sit there in a sea of classmates when all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to throw chairs against the wall; I wanted to tear the world apart. I could not just give up, it wasn’t possible.

I still wasn’t sure how I ended up at Jamie’s memorial service. I wasn’t sure how any of it had happened, how the events of the past year had landed me in a packed auditorium on campus with my heart ripped from my body and crushed on the floor. My entire world was shattered so far beyond repair, I didn’t think I could ever truly live again.

They all looked at me now, watching me, scrutinizing me, ever since Jamie had gone missing. It didn’t even bother me like it would have at the beginning of the year. Some of that devil-may-care attitude must have rubbed off on me in my time with him, because I wasn’t always like that. I had long ago placed myself into a neat little box that was never to be unwrapped. The outside was perfect, decorated like the person I was expected to be. I’d worked hard at it, painstakingly careful with every detail. I’d worked hard to accomplish all that I had, to be the person I thought I needed to be. The person they all wanted me to be. Never the person I truly was because that person was what was hiding in the box. The box had to stay sealed up. The person inside had to remain hidden, wrapped up neat, pretty, and perfect.

I kept myself captive in that box from the moment I’d so carefully crafted it back in high school until my third year of college. I never allowed anyone to see my true self. I was the opposite of Jamie- never really me. Never allowing myself to shine. I looked like everyone else, acted like everyone else, made sure they all thought I was just like them, so they’d never try to unwrap all of that pretty packaging. So they’d never discover the true me that I kept hidden.

Everyone knew who I was. They all loved me, rooted for me, but they didn’t really know me. To them, I was just the hot, star center of the hockey team. Sex on ice was one nickname given to me by more than a few admirers. I was popular, outgoing, and the life of every party. I was loud and laughed a lot. I dated the hottest girls on campus, usually not staying too long with one, making the rounds enough that everyone would notice. Probably leaving a trail of broken hearts in my wake. Girls still threw themselves at me, despite the reputation I had of being unable to tie down. I guess they all thought they could change me. But they couldn’t change what I was hiding. They couldn’t change the Caden who fit so perfectly and quietly into that box that no one even knew he existed. I had everyone fooled.

“He’s going to be so, so missed by his friends and family. If you didn’t know him well, you missed out on a truly amazing person. Jamie was loyal to a fault. He would never hurt anyone, even when they deserved it, because he knew what it was like to be hurt. He was empathetic and compassionate, and never hated anyone, even those who treated him like he didn’t have a right to exist. Jamie would have made such an impact. He would have done so much good for the world.”

Good. She said it. So many of the people in the auditorium deserved it, but there was never any hate in Jamie’s heart. Wariness, and maybe some distaste, but hate, no. No hate. He was the first to forgive someone who didn’t deserve it. He’d forgiven me, after all.

Jamie may not have harbored any hate for them, but that certainly didn’t mean I wasn’t holding any grudges. Why don’t all of you go ahead and jump in? Tell us what you thought of him. Talk about him at his memorial like you did when he was here. Let’s hear what you thought when he wore a skirt or platforms. Tell us what you thought of that pearl choker. The one they’d found on the side of the road. Broken. Again. Let’s hear what you thought about the make-up. And while you’re all at it, tell us how you feel about the way he worked to make a better life for himself and a better world for all of us. The way he put himself through college. He wasn’t ashamed of any of it. Come on, let’s hear it.

I was sure my inner thoughts were coming through loud and clear on my face during the service. I saw Jeff looking at me in my peripheral vision, but I refused to look over. I was not only heartbroken but also furious. Furious at all of them, even our friends. Everyone gave up so easily. They believed the words of a psychopath who now refused to acknowledge that he’d even said them. It had been three weeks. Was that really long enough to give up looking for someone you cared about? They all looked at me like I was crazy when I tried to explain what was going on in my head. Why wouldn’t they just listen?

They all thought it was just heartbreak, denial, or some stage of grief that I was in, but I just wanted them to hear me out. My own hope was dwindling because it had been so long and so many things had turned up, all the while everyone was telling me it was hopeless. I still clung to the naive hope I’d had the entire time, but I could feel that hopeful grip starting to slip. I was angry at them for that, too. It didn’t matter, though, because he needed to be here, no matter what his fate was. If they were all right, he needed to be at peace, where I could at least visit him, even if he could no longer talk back to me. It wasn’t fair.

I was aware that I was not doing well mentally. I knew that I probably needed to talk to a professional at some point, but I wasn’t going to until we found Jamie. You couldn’t just give up on someone like that. You couldn’t just leave them out there, alone, especially not when they’d been alone for most of their life. It wasn’t right. I needed my friends to listen to me more than I needed a therapist.

I glanced around the room as I let out a sigh, but I still refused to look at my friends. I was mad at them for giving up. I was furious with anyone who’d ever whispered about him, pointed at him, or went even further. I was murderous toward the person who took him, who’d destroyed all the plans we’d made, the life we’d only just started. I knew my thoughts weren’t healthy, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I’d never been so helpless in my entire life, and I didn’t want to…no, I would not accept that was how it ended. I would not accept the memorial as a finality. Because no matter what happened, if I didn’t see it, I would never fully accept that it was real. And even if it was, I would never accept some unknown, dark location as his final resting place. I may already be over the edge, and my friends seemed to think I was, but a love like we had, I just couldn’t. I could not let go.

The truth was already trying to come out, and when it did, everyone would wonder how a guy like me, Caden Connor- the guy who’d graduated high school with a hockey scholarship and had never known what it was like to not be popular, had ended up like I was. They would wonder how I had ended up with a soul shattered beyond repair at the loss of that wild, gender-bending, beautiful boy who most of them side-eyed. That story was a long one, but it was ours, and I loved our story. It was a story that was not over and would not be over until I had the truth. Even if it took the rest of my life, I would figure out what really happened to Jamie Bryant after he disappeared on that horrible, world-crushing night. I would never give up on him because I loved him. And I always would.

Chapter 1

The Previous September

“Hey, look. There he goes,” Brad Corbin jeered as the students spilled out onto the quad. I glanced up from my phone, preemptively annoyed, because frankly, I didn’t like Brad. He was the biggest jerk I knew, followed closely by his two best friends. He said he wasn’t racist or homophobic, but he was both to a strong degree. He was one of those guys who thought they were better than everyone, and he really needed to be taken down a peg or ten. The only reason I ever allowed him in my presence was because I was forced to, since we were both on the hockey team. I had no idea who he was talking about, but I could already tell that whatever he was about to say was going to be uncalled for. He had the attention of our whole group as we headed to practice, so I looked to where he was not-at-all-subtly pointing.

My heart dropped a little when I saw who he was pointing at, and I really hoped Brad wouldn’t cause any problems. I knew that guy. Well, kind of. He was in my calculus class, and I’d been seeing him around for the past three years. It was obvious he didn’t care if he attracted attention. He wore whatever he wanted on any given day. He didn’t care if something was labeled for a male or female, if he wanted to wear it, he did. He was pretty good with make-up, too, even though he didn’t always wear it. The way he dressed seemed to be dependent on his mood, or maybe it was all on a whim.

He was wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a white tank top that rode up enough as he moved to show a strip of skin above his waistline. He had on the pearl choker that he wore nearly every day. He was looking down at the ground, one hand on the backpack he’d slung over a shoulder, but he glanced up as though he could sense he was being watched. He eyed our little group with a look that wasn’t particularly friendly, then looked away again. He wouldn’t have just outright challenged us if he perceived us as a threat. He was greatly outnumbered by our group, and while he was bold, he wasn’t stupid, and I knew that just from watching him in the class we shared.

I’d seen him around in previous years, but not as much as I had my third year sharing a class with him. And yeah, ok, I’d watched him before. Something about him fascinated me. I’d never met anyone like him. I wasn’t like, staring or anything. I just couldn’t imagine being so bold about who I was, not caring about what anyone thought or said. There were things in my past I’d done nothing but try to tamp down and hide, to fit in the box with pretty wrapping that no one would ever dare unwrap. Things I never wanted anyone to find out.

“Shut up and stop pointing at people, Brad,” Jeff Morris spoke up beside me, looking about as annoyed as I felt. “Didn’t your mom ever teach you manners? Or that not everyone is like you, thank God.”

I nodded in agreement with Jeff. He was my best friend, well, one of them anyway. I had a few, and we were all close, our own little group. Jeff was definitely my best friend on the team, even though Brad and his cronies were the only ones I actually considered enemies. Jeff was a good guy, and one who would never judge anyone for the clothes they wore, the color of their skin, or who they loved. He was nothing like Brad, and that was one of the reasons we were friends.

Jeff rolled his eyes at Brad as the group kept walking, and he sidled up to me when we ended up behind all of them. “Hey, listen,” he said quietly, “I have an idea for Jesse’s birthday. I just found out about this place this morning. I’m not sure you’ll be fully on board, but I know Caitlin will, so I wanted to talk to you about it.”

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