Page 79 of Take My Hand

Scar nods.

“Honestly, I’m still feeling a bit numb about it all. And I think it’s something that I need to talk with Hayden about before I talk to anyone else. I just…” I hang my head back and look up at the ceiling. “I just need a little time.”

“I understand. Absolutely. There’s no pressure from me. But Carter.” She pauses, waiting for me to turn my attention to her. And when I do, her eyes shine with unshed tears and my heart tugs at the sight of them. Scar doesn’t cry. Even in the aftermath of all of her demons being dragged out of the closet and exposed for the world to see, I never saw her shed a single tear.

“I’m so sorry that he did that to you. And that you had to go through that to begin with. No one, no one, wants to have to do what you did. You don’t have to try to justify your decision to me or Hayden or anyone else. You did what was best for you. But just know that this changes nothing between us and our friendship. I love you, and I wish I would’ve known you last year so I could’ve supported you then. But I can support you now, so whatever you need, I’m here.”

Her face blurs as tears run down my cheeks. Before I know it, small arms are wrapping around my shoulders and her head is tucked into my shoulder, holding me while I cry for the first time since everything happened last night.

I cry for the humiliation I felt not only last night, but have carried with me in fear of anyone finding out and judging me over my choice.

I cry for the shame that has coated my skin like oil and can’t be scrubbed away, no matter how many times I reassure myself that I made the right decision.

I cry for the girl I was last year and how utterly alone I felt going through the most traumatic experience of my life.

I cry for the life that could’ve been, even if it wasn’t the one I wanted.

I cry remembering the pain that ripped through my body as I sat alone in my bathroom, swallowing the pill that would change me forever. And how a part of me felt like I deserved the debilitating pain that came with it, because I chose this.

I cry remembering how detached I felt from everyone and everything in the week it took for me to be able to get an appointment and go through with it.

I cry recalling the way Daniel refused to touch me for months afterward. He didn’t agree with my decision, but for the first time in our entire relationship, I dug my heels in. I thought he’d leave me before I had the chance to leave him, but after weeks of icing me out and a few shy of us getting ready to go on tour, he sat me down and told me he forgave me. That he knew it wasn’t the right time for us and that in a few years, we could try again.

And I cry for the sad, emotionally drained and utterly wrecked person I was that stayed with him in the aftermath because I was too lost to find my way on my own. And it was easier to follow someone I didn’t truly love, didn’t fully trust, than try to venture on my own after going through the worst experience of my life.

And while it was the right choice for me and I don’t regret it, I can still grieve over it. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and what could’ve been. But looking around at my life now, I know I did what was best for me. And that’s all that should matter at the end of the day.

27

CARTER

“So before everything went to shit last night, were you having a good time?” Scar tucks her feet underneath her as we settle onto my couch. “I’m sad I missed out on seeing Daniel finally get his shit rocked, but I wanted Walker to be able to have some time with the guys without me around.”

Scar never liked Daniel and while she tried to hide her disdain from me while the two of us were still together, all bets were off the moment we broke up.

I give her a scolding look but there’s humor behind it. Because I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to look up the photos that have leaked that show Reid decking him. Scar had complimented Reid’s form and I was surprised to hear something nice about him come out of her mouth.

“It was a fun night. A little overwhelming walking in with all the cameras,” I say, taking a sip of my now lukewarm coffee and cringing at the way it tastes with the remnants of lemonade still lingering on my tongue.

“It’s like anything else. You build up a tolerance. Or just get used to walking with your vision partially obscured by the flashes.”

“And have you built up your tolerance?” I ask her, knowing that her popularity only continues to rise.

She shrugs. “I guess. It’s still annoying as hell, but I’m still not at their level yet. It’s the worst when Walker and I are out together.”

“How’re things going between you two?”

“They’re great.” She smiles and her eyes soften in a way that only Walker brings out in her. “I actually broke my lease and moved into his place last month.”

“That’s so exciting! I’m happy for you two. You guys deserve it.” I rest a hand on her knee and squeeze, truly excited for them.

She waves a hand in front of her as if dismissing the topic of her relationship and turns the tables around on me. “So when were you going to tell me that you and Hayden were officially together? All of my intel has come from Walker but I’d like to hear it from the source directly.”

I roll my eyes. “Who knew he’s such a gossip?”

She cracks a smile. “Oh, he’s the worst.”

“Well, we’ve been spending a lot of time together over the summer. You know he offered me some space in his basement for a studio.”

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