Page 74 of Take My Hand

Carter’s voicemail greets me for the fourth time this morning and I throw my phone down with a curse. A dull pounding sits at the front of my skull, made worse by each pacing step I take across my living room.

After the club last night, Carter was silent the entire ride back to her apartment. I all but begged her to come home with me or let me stay with her, but she refused to listen to my pleas or meet my eyes. She kept her head hung low, hair partially obscuring her face.

The headache I have now is nothing compared to the ache that resides in my chest at the image of her walking up the sidewalk to the entrance of her building with her shoulders stooped and arms wrapped tightly around herself as if they were the only thing holding her together.

I tried to follow her up, tried to walk her to the door, but the only words she spoke to me rang loudly in the quiet, still air last night.

I just need some space. Please give me that.

Her voice had cracked when she said please and my heart cracked right along with it. But I stayed back and watched her walk inside, not allowing Arun to drive away until I watched her apartment window for a light to flick on to signal she got inside.

Everyone was quiet as Arun drove around to each of our houses, depositing us one after another. Walker tried to stay over at my place, concerned about leaving me alone, but if I couldn’t be with Carter last night, I just wanted to be by myself.

I didn’t even bother trying to sleep. Instead, I went downstairs to my gym and ran on the treadmill until my legs threatened to buckle. The burn was welcome and the fatigue settled deep, but neither could quell the rage that burned through my every vein.

Every time my heart started to calm and my body began to relax, Daniel’s smug face popped back into my head and my blood heated all over again.

He’s a fucking bastard.

He got off on it last night. Seeing Carter happy and then cutting her down. Throwing out private information that while yes, I would hope she would’ve told me one day, but wasn’t his to share. Especially not in a club in front of a crowd.

Luckily, with us being so close to the dance floor and the booming music, I don’t think anyone outside of our circle heard. But they definitely saw the fight that ensued after.

But I couldn’t bring myself to care if anyone witnessed Reid decking Daniel and Walker trying to pry the both of us off of him. He deserved everything he got and worse.

My entire life, I’ve never wished harm upon anyone. But now within the span of two years, there are two people that I would relish in seeing writhe in pain.

One of them is already dead, turning his gun on himself after he used it to wreck the lives of hundreds of others.

And the other one got a sick sense of satisfaction out of ripping open old wounds of the woman I love.

A bolt goes through my chest at the realization, and I rub over my shirt.

Love.

I love Carter.

I’m not sure when it happened, but as it sinks in, it feels right. That feeling of protectiveness and anger on her behalf last night and this morning isn’t just out of caring for her as a person or as a friend.

It’s out of love. The deep-seated, real kind of love that shakes you to your core and brings with a hint of fear because once you have it, you don’t want to lose it. Wouldn’t survive it.

I’ve shown Carter parts of myself that I haven’t to others and she’s accepted them with open arms and empathy. She never gives me a side eye when we’re out in public and my anxiety bubbles up for the thousandth time or tries to tell me to get over it like it’s that simple of a thing to do.

No. She just takes my hand, lends her ear, and allows me to find comfort in her presence.

With her, I know I’m safe. Safe to share my fears, show my struggles, and unleash my demons. And she accepts it all.

My phone buzzes against the floor, and I rush forward to answer it. But my heart sinks when I see it’s a group text from Arun.

Arun: Conference call in 5

I debate ignoring it and instead jumping in my car and driving over to Carter’s apartment. But all of my unanswered texts, calls, and her words to me last night give me pause.

In the entire time that I’ve known her, she’s never once asked me for anything. She didn’t ask for the camera, the studio space, my help with a photoshoot, or hell, even moving. All of those things, I volunteered for. I offered and she accepted.

But she never asked me for them.

The only thing she’s asked for is space, and even though every part of my being is screaming at me to grab my keys, get in my car, and go and sit outside her building throwing rocks at her window if that’s what it takes to get her to answer me, I can’t do it.

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