Page 64 of Take My Hand

Whether it’s the tension between us, usual stage jitters, or something darker, I’m not sure. Anxiety has never made sense and answers to no one, so no point in trying to figure out where it’s coming from this time.

It’s here. And now I have to deal with it.

My fingers start to tingle and my mouth goes dry. I should’ve grabbed a drink in the trailer.

The back of my neck grows hot under the strap of my bass and I run my fingers over the thick strings, not hard enough to make a noise but enough stimulation to give myself something to focus on.

Nikolai leads the charge onstage and the four of us step out, stage lights blaring at full luminosity and temporarily blinding me as I walk across to take my spot.

The opening count rings through my ears and even though my mind is distracted, my fingers know what to do. I begin playing my part, not only in the song but in this performance. Not even spotting Carter smiling up at me from the pit in front of the stage, her lips still swollen from my own, can calm my mind now.

21

CARTER

The seatbelt sign dings, and I reach under the seat for my backpack to grab my laptop and memory cards to get some work done on the flight home.

It’s a little over a six-hour flight from Newark to LA, so plenty of time to get the photos edited from last night's show, as well as the ones from Hayden’s shoot. It’s not that I’ve been putting off looking through them; more so that I didn’t want to look when we were in an odd limbo state after what happened that day.

But yesterday broke us out of that. My thighs clench together just thinking about it. I’ve never felt the things he made me feel. Not just my body but my mind too. He gave me such freedom by taking charge of everything and didn’t allow me a moment to get in my head about what I looked like or what I should do next or let any old insecurities creep up.

Seeing the way he felt the same peace was beautiful. And I want more.

I was hoping after last night’s show he would seek me out again, but he had shot me a text that he was going over to Walker’s room for a bit to hang out and that I shouldn’t wait up. I was a bit disappointed. It’s not just another round of incredible sex that I wanted, but also just to talk with him more. Get inside his head and learn everything there is to know about Hayden Coleman.

But honestly, the space last night was the reprieve I needed to really think things over without the temptation and clouded judgment of him sitting in front of me, distracting me with the cut of his shoulders and the smell of his hair.

Even though there’s not a single part of me that misses or still loves Daniel, I also needed to check in with myself and see if I’m really ready to dive headfirst into this with Hayden. The physical part we blew past yesterday and emotionally, we’re already getting there too.

But before any of the labels come out yet, I needed to take a moment to think. Because even if he’s already asked me if I’ve moved on and I answered yes, I needed to really think it through one last time. If I can trust him. If I’m truly ready.

And the answer is yes. He’s shown me that I can trust him with taking care of my body when we shed the physical layers between us. I’m his priority in those moments, tending to me, checking in with me, making it good for me because that’s what makes it good for him.

And emotionally, I can’t see him ever speaking to me the way that Daniel did. I don’t want to have any doubts about him, but it is something I have to think about because there was a point where I trusted Daniel. And at the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t think we would turn out how we did.

But anytime those doubts try to trickle into the forefront of my mind, I have to remind myself that Hayden is not him. Who he is and his actions are his own, and I don’t want the lens of my previous relationship to strain this new one.

And when I flip back in my mind, I know that Hayden is a good person. I’ve never seen him mistreat the staff at venues, hotels, or his friends. He’s always been willing to help me, even when I don’t ask for it. The gift of my camera equipment came with no strings attached like gifts have had in the past. All those months ago when we were on tour and he saw Daniel get up in my face, he didn’t hesitate in stepping in and getting him away from me. And then also staying after to comfort me.

He did all of those things before we were anything more than friends. Not out of obligation or manipulation. His good deeds didn’t come with hidden agendas.

So last night as I laid in bed, I realized that I want to be with him and I will not allow myself to sabotage this spiraling over potential ‘what-ifs’ or letting the fears of my past relationship get in the way of what I think can be a really great one. I want him to be mine in the way I’m his. After everything these years have thrown at me, he feels like that first ray of sun that pokes through after a storm for me.

I didn’t have time to tell him any of this before a car picked the five of us up and took us to the airport this morning. It was a quiet car ride, the vehicle tight with tension and exhaustion. We were all dreading the long flight ahead of us.

But when I checked in, I realized that my ticket had been upgraded to first class and was pleasantly surprised by my great luck.

However, when it was time to board and I stood shoulder to shoulder with Hayden as our tickets were scanned, I saw that my seat was now right next to his. I had shot him a questioning look, but he smiled and continued down the jetway.

So here we are, me by the window and him by the aisle for the flight together. Walker and Nikolai sit in the row next to us, while Reid sits by himself in the front row. The three of them are all knocked out, and Hayden is well on his way to be, too. I still want to talk to him, to tell him I’m in this, but now’s not the time.

His head is tilted back on the seat, eyes shut, throat on full display so I can sneakily admire the skull and butterfly tattoo I love so much. I think after seeing the entire expanse of his body, it’s safe to say that it’s my favorite one. Something about the way it cups his jaw so beautifully, highlighting and enhancing his sharp bone structure…

“I can feel you watching me, you know.” Hayden’s voice is soft as it cracks a bit, not being used since we boarded the flight. He doesn’t open his eyes but the corner of his mouth lifts in a knowing grin.

“I thought you were asleep,” I grumble, averting my eyes to my laptop in front of me, cheeks aflame.

The screen comes to life, and I plug in my memory card port so I can get the images uploaded. We’re soaring high above the clouds now and I watch them slowly pass as the photos load. I’ve always loved the window seat on planes. I didn’t fly much as a child as my dad wasn’t able to take us on a lot of vacations while running his company, but whenever we did, he always made sure I could look out the window.

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