Page 95 of Take My Hand

Besides telling us that he had to move because of his new foster family, he kept the rest of the story close to his chest. Whenever one of us would try to ask questions or bring up anything about his family, he would quickly change the subject and divert the attention.

It clearly made him uncomfortable, and not wanting to pick at any wounds, the three of us accepted him as he was and what he wanted to share. I figured that over the years, once we all earned more of his trust, he would open up about it.

But he never did.

And as he grinds his teeth together, eyes pinned to his plate, I know he’s regretting that he even gave us that little morsel. That he had enough people abandoning him as a child, and me shutting him out, even without ill intentions on my behalf, hurt him in a way that I never would have wanted.

“Reid, I’m sorry. I had no idea?—”

“Forget it.”

“No,” I say, swallowing the ball in my throat. “I’m not going to forget it. I never meant to hurt you or push you away. I was just so fucked up after it…I needed time to myself. And now I see that I should’ve been better at expressing that to you, instead of assuming you knew that it’s what I needed.”

It never crossed my mind before now that this was where Reid’s anger with me stemmed from. Because once I started to feel better and reach back out to people, Walker and Nikolai didn’t miss a beat. We fell back into our friendships easily and they never once questioned me on my silence.

But looking back, I rethink every interaction I had with Reid. I took his shortness with me, his glares and digs he threw at me as a sign that he was pissed that I canceled our tour that we were set to go shortly after my brother’s graduation. It was a bit of a mess announcing the cancellation; Arun having to deal with our label and buy us some time. We halted all work on any new music, pulled out of all interview requests and media engagements, and agreed to a hiatus while Nikolai and I reeled with what we experienced.

All this time, I thought that was the root of Reid’s anger toward me.

But he just used that as a cover to hide a deeper hurt. A deeper betrayal that I wasn’t even aware I had committed.

“I’m truly sorry, Reid,” I say and hope that my sincere words penetrate his jaded armor.

Carter takes my hand in hers and pulls them into her lap in a silent approval.

“Why haven’t you held it against Nikolai too, though?” Walker’s voice speaks up, and for the first time in our friendship, I wish he wasn’t trying to defend me. Even though the same question is poised on my tongue, I wasn’t going to voice it.

Everyone darts their eyes to Walker as he glares at Reid.

“Walker,” Jane mumbles, widening her eyes in a scolding manner before she peeks beneath her lashes at Nikolai, who now slumps slightly in his chair rubbing a hand across his jaw.

“Why haven’t I held what against Nikolai?” Reid’s tone is icy and sharp as he sweeps his attention to Walker. He cocks his head to the side, an excited glint crossing his face at the challenge he wanted but didn’t get from me.

But Walker doesn’t budge. Instead, he forges on. “Both Hayden and Nikolai called the hiatus and took their space from us. I didn’t hear from Nikolai for just about as long as I didn’t hear from Hayden. And I know when we all got back on tour, even Nikolai said he didn’t see you much over the break. So, I’m wondering why you’re holding Hayden to a different standard.”

Reid places his elbows on the table, leaning forward and pushing the dishes in front of him out of the way.

“You don’t know shit,” he says, words laced with venom.

Walker squares his shoulder to meet Reid head-on. Jane subtly scoots back, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire of these two.

“I think you’re a hypocrite and don’t want to own up to it.”

“It bothers you, doesn’t it? Not being in the know of everything. Not being the center of the four of us anymore. It drives you fucking mad not being the one that everyone looks to for every answer anymore, doesn’t it?”

Walker grits his teeth against Reid’s words and I wonder how much of it is hitting him too close to home.

When we first started Whisper Me Nothings back in high school, Walker was not only our drummer but also served as our manager until we got signed. He was the one hustling for gigs for us, signing the contracts, making the flyers, telling us all when and where we needed to be. And that continued even once we had actual management. He took charge in interviews, was always checking in to make sure everyone had their passports on international tours, and always was the one with half a mind when we were out the clubs to get everyone pulled together before we stumbled outside in front of cameras.

But that shifted after the hiatus. When we lost that cohesion as a group, he lost that sense of leadership, that role of caretaker for everyone. And I think part of the reason he was drawn to Scar was because he found that with her.

And Reid just picked at that wound.

“It’s just like you to turn this shit back around on me,” Walker says coolly. “I want to know why?—”

“It’s none of your fucking business,” Reid snaps, cutting him off.

“It is my business when this shit is affecting all of us!”

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