Page 32 of Catching My Dreams

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“You don’t need to apologize to me, Asher.”

“But I do,” Ella’s best friend replied, the frown he’d been wearing since they’d sat down at one of the tables at More Uncommon Grounds still firmly in place. “I never should have doubted you or your friendship.”

Ella swallowed and looked down at the mocha in front of her. When Asher had asked her after the game night if they could meet up, she’d known it would be about this, but she didn’t feel prepared for the conversation at all.

“You had every right to be angry with me,” she said.

“No, I didn’t,” he argued before letting out a heavy sigh. “I hate this, Ella. I feel like I’ve lost you.”

She looked up, her brows pulling together. “What do you mean?”

“You used to call me almost every night. You used to be the one who texted me to ask if I wanted to grab lunch or a coffee between classes. You used to reach out to me, and now it feels like you’re avoiding me.”

Ella bit the inside of her cheek. He wasn’t wrong. “You could have died,” she reminded him, careful to keep her voice down. “You should be furious with me. You should hate me.”

“No, Ella, I shouldn’t,” he said softly, his voice and eyes too kind after what she’d done. “I need you to understand that.”

She shook her head, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes. “I let you suffer inside that basement for weeks. I could have found you the moment I got the call to say you were missing. But I didn’t. I just left you there.”

But Asher didn’t look at her like he was angry. He looked at her like he felt guilty. “And what would Brett have done to you if you’d spiritwalked and come looking for me when you found out?”

His tone wasn’t harsh, but Ella flinched. “Does it matter?”

“Of course, it matters.” Now, he sounded angry. “You’re my best friend, Ella. I’d rather spend another year in that basement than see you get hurt.”

“That’s just it,” she said, choking on the words and her guilt. “You’d do that for me, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do the same for you.”

Everyone knew she had been selfish. Noah, most of all, hadn’t been shy about throwing her cowardly inaction in her face. So why was Asher insisting on pretending she hadn’t messed up?

“But you did,” he insisted. “You were the one who found me.”

“Asher, it took me five weeks too long.” She rubbed her hands over her face, wondering why he didn’t hate her as much as she hated herself. “You were a ghost for over a month because I let my fear outweigh our friendship. I’m not just the reason you were there to begin with. I’m the reason you were stuck there for so long.”

Asher made an impatient sound and covered her hand with his. “You’re blaming yourself for things that Brett did. He is the only one responsible. He is the one I’m angry at.”

Ella pulled her hand out from under his. “The only reason you’re not angry with me is because you pity me.”

Maybe she should have been relieved when he’d forgiven her in the hospital, but how could she be relieved when his forgiveness wasn’t real? When his anger had died simply because he felt sorry for her? That wasn’t true forgiveness. It was something that he’d felt forced into.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Asher asked.

“You forgave me because you felt bad for me after I told you what Brett did.”

“That’s bullshit,” he said. “I forgave you because I understand why you were too afraid to spiritwalk. I hate what Brett tried to do, and I wish you’d never had to go through that, but I didn’t forgive you because I feel sorry for you. I forgave you because I know you going back to the place where he could hurt you again was more difficult than anything I’ve ever had to face.”

“He kept you in his basement for over a month and used your blood to fuel the stasis spell he had you in,” Ella reminded him. “You thought you were dead and would never see your family again. Going through that was harder than me spiritwalking for a few minutes to find you.”

“Don’t do that,” he said firmly, his tone contrasting with the soft press of his green eyes. “Don’t diminish what you did. Even if you refuse to admit it, you did something incredibly brave. Five minutes or five weeks after I went missing, it doesn’t matter.”

“You could have died.” Ella blinked, and the tears gathering in her eyes fell, rolling down her cheeks.

Asher shook his head. “And if you’d acted sooner, you could have too.”

Ella didn’t think Brett would have killed her, but what he would have done would have been worse than death. She wouldn’t have survived his plans for her.

He would have broken her. And maybe it was that thought and the familiar fear that accompanied it that made her bend slightly to Asher’s point.

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